Was that a good decision?

So here is a fun story. It's also true so even better. It is about my precious, beautiful, dare devil daughter, who we used to say will do nothing short of conquering the world when she grows up. Her daddy always called Baby Girl. Her daddy was her hero and her eyes lite up every time he came home from work. She would run screaming with glee "daddy, daddy, daddy!" when she heard the front door open. He would scoop her up, kiss and hug her, and say "Hi baby Girl how was your day?" She almost always answered with a "daddy will you come play with me?" she always got a "yes as soon as I kiss mommy"

Here is the part you may have heard. One night when she was 7 1/2 years old  we put her to bed just like we've done every night of her life. We said our prayers, we sang our songs. I gave her a kiss and a hug and said "goodnight baby I will see you in the morning." Her daddy gave her a kiss and a hug and said "good night baby I will see you in the morning." He didn't know it at the time but he lied to her. he didn't see her the next morning. Instead I woke her up in the middle of the night and told her that daddy had died so he gets to go live in heaven with Jesus now. We won't see him again for a very very very long time. when she is an old old old grandma.

Almost two years later my Baby Girl was 9. The grief was swallowing her whole. Having your husband die is just about the worst pain one can go through but watching there child in pain doubles your own. Baby Girl had no clue how to handle grief, how could she? she was only 7. She stuffed it all inside and it was eating her. She lived in almost constant fear, she was afraid of everything. Car doors slamming would make her jump into the sky.  She was terrified of dogs. She came home from school and cried EVERY SINGLE DAY.  She slept with mommy because she was terrified to leave my side. She had panic attacks and anxiety attacks at least twice a week. She couldn't go on like this. I couldn't let my child suffer like this anymore.  With the recommendation from her therapist I made a hard derision and put my 9 year old on antidepressants. You can read more about that here; I put baby Girl on antidepressants

That was a year and a half ago. We went in for a check up a couple weeks ago with the psychiatrist.  "I think it's time...I think we can do this" We had been talking about it the last few visits and she didn't think it was time, but now it was. After all shes stable again. So we both asked her, after all she was sitting right there. "What do you think Baby Girl? Do you think we can stop taking your tummy medicine, your tummy hasn't been bothering you for awhile now?" I think she literally jumped "Yes yes yes! Lets stop taking it, I don't want to take it anymore." Above all in the wake of her massive grief Baby Girl just wanted to be normal again. She wanted to be like everyone else, she's a smart kid, she knew the 'tummy' medicine was because she didn't feel good after daddy died, she knew it was because she was afraid all the time. She may not have fully understood the word depressed but she knew thats what the medicine was for.

She also noticed like I did that she was feeling so much better these days. her tummy no longer hurt every single time we got in the car. She wasn't afraid of dogs anymore, in fact she loves dogs again.  She doesn't jump at the sound of slamming doors. She sleeps in her own bed again. I can even go to the bathroom by myself again. Most of the time she can stand to talk about daddy and sometimes even tells stories about him on her own.

I was far more anxious about it then she was I looked at the psychiatrist. "Ok your right, I agree with you butt uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what if? What if her tummy starts to hurt again? What if we start to get scared of things again" I was trying to tell the psychiatrist in the calmest way possible that I was pretty much scared shitless to try this little experiment. What I really wanted to say was I can't do it again, I can't deal with Baby Girls anxiety and panic and depression again it was too hard I don't know how I did it then but I know I can't do it again. She seemed to catch my drift because she said "if we see any signs we will put her back on it."  Ok, we went home with a plan to slowly decrease medication until she didn't take it anymore.

That was two weeks ago. Signs, look for signs. Well we do have a major hindrance when it comes to looking for signs, she is 11. She is in full blown tween attitude. She hates her mother almost everyday. She had a twenty minute cry fest because her bow was on crooked and we couldn't get it straight. She worries about friends liking her and what the other kids at school think. The hormones are coming, I can defiantly see signs of that. However I haven't seen signs of  her being terrified, she still likes dogs and she's still sleeping in her own bed. Her tummy isn't hurting every time we leave the house, although it has hurt a couple times. Her dad is still dead, that will unfortunately never change. What changes is how she is able to deal with it, right now shes dealing well. Right now she doesn't need the antidepressants, I hope she will never need them again, but she might and that will be ok. If your were to ask me if I regret putting my 9 year old on anti depressants I will tell you no, not for a second did I regret it. Her daddy died out of nowhere, in case you still don't know yes that counts as severe trauma. She needed help that I couldn't give her but I knew how to get it. Honestly I wish I would have done it sooner, I wish I would have helped her sooner, but I also wish I could take all her pain away, She's my Baby Girl and I love her with everything that I am but some things just hurt like hell and having your daddy die is one of those.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle