More Time




I haven't blogged in a long time. I feel like I have been saying that every time. It's true, I think I managed to blog about once a month all summer as opposed to 2-3 times a week. I just didn't have time. We had such a busy summer Baby Girl and I, I have so much I could blog about; How therapy is going for baby Girl there's stuff to talk about there. Our summer adventures, we had about a million, all with memories of Dan. The start to school for Baby Girl. Family. I am making a list. Dating.

Ahhhhhh that widow dating thing, it's a doozy. and our topic winner for today. If you didn't read my last post here is the link.  dating blog  In short it says that yes I have started dating. Fortunately  for me the first man I dated was amazing (you can read about his amazingness in the above blog.)  I think it just took time, it just took time for me to be ready to date, it took time to understand that I can still love Dan. It took time to understand that I can be happy despite the fact that Dan is dead. I am happy. It was a gut wrenching, terrible, hanging on the side of a cliff by my finger nails three and a half years. I do not wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy. I am excited about life again. I am excited to go out and do things, to have adventures, to get the Halloween decorations out.  I love hanging out with my boyfriend, John Smith, I wish I could think of a better word for him then amazing but it's been a few months now and I haven't been able to so I guess were stuck with it.

I miss Dan
I miss his voice
I miss his thoughts
I miss the way he smiled at me
I miss his eyes
I miss seeing him with our Baby Girl
I miss how he held me
I miss my husband

That will never ever go away. John Smith understands this. I was talking to John on the phone last night. We were discussing the rather coincidental events that brought us together.  We both agree that it wasn't really coincidence, it was fate, providence, God. We were put together for a reason. I truly believe that. John truly believes that.  It always gives me pause though. If we were put together for a reason then certain life events happened for a reason, or rather on purpose. I don't know if I can accept that. In the middle of a cute conversation about how we meet I start to cry, I try to hold it in but he can tell through the phone something is wrong.

"What is it Darlin? You can tell me"

"I know I can, I just can't say the words." I gulp, I try to breathe but my crying is getting in the way. "Do you...do you...Do you think God let Dan die so that I could meet you"  I burst into uncontrollable sobs.

"No, no I don't, of course I don't" 

I am sobbing, I knew thats what he would say but I had to hear it anyway, I had to let the thoughts in my head finally come out of my mouth. I can't catch my breath, I am crying so hard, I wish Dan were here "I miss Dan" I cry.

"I know you do, of course you do, how couldn't you"

I keep crying and sobbing trying to catch my breath, I can't calm down.

"Jen...Jenny...Jennifer...do you need me to come over"

"yes"

Just like that John Smith got up late at night and came over. He works early in the morning and he came over. I curled up into him and sobbed. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. "I'm so glad your here... I miss Dan... Thank you for coming over... why did Dan have to die... why couldn't he just keep breathing...I keep breathing, it's not fair." and he held me. He held me and let me cry, He held me while I missed my husband. He didn't say I needed to get it together, he didn't say I should be over Dan. He didn't ask me to stop talking about this, he isn't jealous of a dead guy. John Smith doesn't do that. He knows it's not a competition. He knows I still love Dan and tells me I have every right to, because I do.  He holds me and lets me cry. He makes it better, it makes the crying not so harsh when your being held. He somehow understands. He is amazing.

My new boyfriend likes my dead husband, they've never met. I imagine they will eventually. I imagine they will shake hands and hug. John Smith will say "Thank you Dan for taking such great care of my Jen" Dan will say "Thank you John Smith for taking such great care of my Jennifer"

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle


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