Therapists always think their right.
Awhile ago Baby Girl's therapist sorta gently suggested that maybe I was trying too hard to "push grief" on Baby Girl by constantly reminding her of her Dad. It was one of those things where I didn't realize I'd been doing it until someone pointed it out to me. I was constantly reminding her about her dad because I am constantly reminded of her dad and I just say it out loud.
"you roll your eyes just like your daddy" "you have the same eyes as daddy" "You like to collect things like daddy" "you sound just like daddy" "You can find things just as good as daddy (which by the way is very very badly)" "O we used to go to that store with daddy" "We used to go to that park with daddy, do you remember?"
See when you put it all together like that it does sound pushy. I was just saying out loud what I was thinking in my head. I don't know how to explain it so people can understand. I don't think it's something you notice until someones gone. My life, for most of my life involved Dan, he was in every single thought either consciously or subconsciously. Dan would like this, Dan wouldn't like that. Dan got me flowers like that once. I imagine if you are happily married you talk to your spouse regularly throughout the day, you text them or call them when they're at work to ask them to get milk or what should we have for dinner. Sometimes they even send you cute little hearts just because. At least thats what we did. The last text I got from Dan was about five little hearts, just random, just because. And then in an instant the luxury of having your best friend to shoot things you were thinking to is gone.
So now I just said them to Baby Girl or even the air. I just had to say what I was thinking about Dan and I think about Dan every second. So after a long talk with her therapist I decided to make a concentrated effort not "push" Dan on her. Not to ask her if she remembered doing such and such with daddy, not to ask her if she missed daddy. Just leave her be. This was about a month ago. It has been extremely hard for me to hold my tongue 500 times a day when she is acting just like her daddy. Sometimes it comes out anyway and thats ok, but the point was to lessen it.
Did I mention my daughters contrary? I'm pretty sure she gets it from her dad. I talked about Dan less, so she started talking about Dan more. Out of no where she would mention something about Dan. She will talk about things they used to do together. She told auntie all about the half written story she found of his (the blog with that story is here) and how she is going to finish it for him and read auntie the story. That was huge.
She is playing with her beloved teddy bear again. The extremely special one that was daddy's when he was a little boy and he gave to Baby Girl when she was two. The one that went everywhere with us. The one she cuddled every night in bed. The one that would jump and play and talk in silly voices. The one that daddy had made up numerous stories about for her. The one that she practically hasn't touched since Dan died. The one that I had to ask her if she was mad at because it never left her bed anymore. The one that was all about Daddy. That one. She has been playing with that one again.
Auntie gave her this old backpack of Dan's. I had given it to auntie after Dan died. Baby Girl found it and thought it was really cool. Auntie said "that used to be daddy's" "IT DID!" said an excited baby Girl. "Yes, you can have it if you want it, since it was daddy's its technically yours." Baby Girl took that back pack with us everywhere we went for three days. She told anyone that would listen all about it and how it used to be daddy's "It was daddy's, and now I get it."
I told my therapist this story and she said "It almost sounds like Baby Girl is proud of it. Proud that is was daddy's" "She is" I said. "Baby Girl is proud of her daddy, perhaps not sad like you, but proud" my therapist mused. Hmmmmmm. It has been about a month since we started this whole no pushing plan. In one month Bab Girl has talked more about her daddy then in the two years since he's died. Hmmmmm. Therapists Hmmmmm. Dan was a therapist, he always thought he was right too.
I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle
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