awake





It's 3:30 am. I am awake. Bay Girl went to bed at 10pm, I was so tired then I probably could have fallen asleep on the hardwood floor. I stumbled into bed and immediately went to sleep. Now it's 3:30am and I've been awake for an hour trying to will myself back to sleep. I guess this is anxiety. I guess this is grief. still.

I will admit I occasionally did this sort of thing before. It was ocasional, now it's regular. In the before it was usually because there was some big event the next day. A wedding or a party, I was thinking about, trying to order all the things I had to do to get ready. It was usually closer to midnight and I hadn't gone to sleep yet at all.

"Dan, Dan, I can't sleep Dan, talk to me" snore snore snore is what came from Dan.  Not deterred I would give him a little nudge "Dan, Dan, what are you doing I can't sleep, Dan"  mumble mumble mumble "go to sleep Jennifer, worry about it in the morning" mumble mumble mumble. Then I would give him a bigger nudge. "Dan tell me a story" This whole conversation was done while I would turn an fidget and otherwise express my uncomfortableness and how I could not possibly fall asleep.

When Dan had had enough of my shenanigans he would sit up on his side and let out a big huff. throwing his arm around my waist and grabbing my hip. He always told me God made his hand and my hip to fit perfectly together, one of the 1,000 some ways he knew we were meant to be together. Then he would pull me close next to him so I couldn't toss and turn anymore. Then I could hear his voice in my ear, slow, calm, quiet, peaceful. Dan's voice. It had this magic calming rhythm? tone? I'm not sure how to describe it. Always subtle, always calming. One of the 1,000 reasons he was so good at his counseling job, he was known for "talking people down" when they were panicked or agitated. He even did it way back in high school, he could always calm people down.  He would tell me stories mostly, stories about a magical land he made up, stories he wanted to turn into a series of children's chapter books, he would test them out on me. I would fall asleep listening to his voice.  He never finished his stories (ok it's possible I fell asleep first) He never got his books written, he died instead.

Sometimes I wonder how in the world I ever fall asleep at all without being able to hear his voice talking to me. I wonder when this grief thing will finally let me sleep normally again. Everything normal is gone, including sleep.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

Comments

  1. UnknownJune 15, 2017 at 7:15 AM

    Jenny, your writing really pulls me in. I love the way you describe each interaction and thought. I think you could write a book.

    ReplyDelete

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