I don't wanna talk





I don't wanna talk to you people. It's not that your not perfectly lovely people, I'm sure you are. It's just that right now I don't want to talk to you. Right now at this very second I just want to talk to Dan. I have so much I want to talk to him about. I've been wanting to talk to him all day, all week, all month, for the last two years and five months I have wanted to talk to Dan.

When he first died my therapist told me to start a journal where I wrote letters to him. Honestly, I thought it was kind of dumb, I mean whats the point in writing to him, he's not going to get any of the letters, he's not going to see anything I write, he's dead. Since I really didn't have any other options I started writing to him in a journal. Ya umm, I wrote stuff. I wasn't very consistent at it because I never really saw the point. Then I started blogging and that was better then writing to my dead husband I guess.

Sometimes I talk to him.  Mostly in my head, occasionally out loud, I know he can't hear me, just like he can't read the letters, but left with few options you improvise. It's usually something along the lines of "well Dan, what do we do now?" He never gives me a good answer.

Today neither of those are enough. Today I want to talk to him. Really talk to him. We spent the weekend with his whole family, it was great, I love them.  Dan was missing.  He was missing a lot. He didn't make snarky comments to his sister in law.  He didn't tease his mom about cooking too much.  He didn't have deep theological conversations with his brother he only sees once a year. He didn't com sit with the girls because the boys wouldn't stop talking about cars and computers (sooo not his thing) he didn't sit next to me at dinner.  He didn't run around and play with all his nieces and nephews (two of which he's never meet)

I wanted to talk to him about all that.  Talk to him about how his family was doing.  Talk to him about his crazy sister in law. Talk to him about his adorable niece who I think he would have liked immensely. I just wanted to talk to him and no one else will do.

We got hair cuts this weekend.  Baby girl cut her hair to her shoulders, something we have never done before. Apart from when she was a baby she has always had very long hair.  She asked me "do you think daddy would like my short hair" I told her of course he would, he would think it's adorable. I also cut my hair.  I have had short hair before, but not often.  Dan was always a 'do whatever you want wify, your always beautiful' kind of guy, but he loved my long hair. He has no comments about my hair this time.

You would think after two years and five months I would be used to not talking to him anymore but I'm not, not even close.  I still want to text him all day.  I still feel like everyday he is just going to come home from work and I will tell him about my day and he will tell me about his. I still think he will swing baby girl up in his arms and ask her how school was.  (Would he even be able to pick her up anymore? I can't, she's grown too much)

There's no resolution here. It doesn't end. I just want to talk to him. One of the very first things you learn as a child, how to talk. Baby Girl learned to talk at 9 months old.  I want to talk to Dan, it will be a very long time before I get to do that again.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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