Missing less




I went to Therapy (I start a lot of blogs like that). We talked for a long time my therapist and I, about an hour.  Generally I tell her how my week went and how it relates to grief.  Then we discuss it.  This week one of her comments was "Your fucking kidding! That actually happened!" Yes yes it did, but guess what internet readers, that is not what I am going to talk about right now, you will just have to use your imaginations.

All in all it was a pretty mellow week as far as grief was concerned. I was telling her how we had had a good week, how Baby girl had had a good week.  it's a bit um I don't know that this actually falls under the category of good news but it did. I told her about this evening we had. Baby Girl and I went out to a diner with some other family members, we ate kinda early so we were done kinda early. It was a nice sunny evening. Afterward Baby Girl asked if we could go look at the new library, it got remodeled about a year and a half ago and we still haven't seen it. I guess we were busy.  So we went to the library we looked at books, we read books, we checked one out.  Then we were driving home and Baby Girl said "Can we stop by aunties and say hi" ok sure we can do that I guess, so we stopped by aunties just to say hi, just to chat for about half an hour, just because we could.

Totally and utterly boring right! Nothing big, nothing special, not even remotely exciting. Why even bother telling my therapist about it. This is why. We did it, we went, we did something that was not scheduled.  We did something where I said "ya sure that sounds like fun" instead of me saying "no way I am too tired we are going straight home" I had energy to go to the library.  It's amazing, it's note worthy, I told my therapist about it.  I'm pretty positive its been over two years since I've had enough energy to do anything that we didn't have to do. Something random, unscheduled, unneeded.  I had energy to do something that wasn't required of me.  It was huge.

"Thats great" my therapist said, "lets try and do more of that" uh k, I guess. This lead to a conversation about being happy, and how I can be happy, Uh K, i'm not unhappy, I just miss my husband. I can't remember her exact words now of course but she said something to the effect of the more things we do that are like that evening at the library, the happier my brain will be and the less I will miss Dan and thats a good thing. "But why" I said "Why is missing Dan less a good thing" guess what she said? "Were out of time but I'd like you to go home and blog about that." O I will.

So why? Why is missing my husband, my soul mate, my prince charming, the love of my life, less a good thing? I don't fucking know and I'm not sold that it is. My therapist thinks it is. I can see her point from a therapists view. She wants me to see that there's still life out there. That I have a whole world to explore still. That the door is open. That I can be just as happy without Dan as I was with him. I don't know that I believe her. That I can find love again (HAHA). That my life wasn't over at 34. Clearly it wasn't because I'm now 37 and I'm still here.

I guess if I'm gonna be honest some days I do feel like my life was over at 34. The life I wanted definitely was. The life where I had a doting husband who loved me I think more than anyone in the world has ever been loved. The life where we had 4 kids together (because I had won the 3 vs 4 fight) The life where we lived in a big house (with a turret) out in the country, Dan always called it the Someday Farm because someday we would have it.  Some days I count how many years I have left until I am at an appropriate dying age and I can go be with Dan again. It's a lot of years.

Other days I don't. Other days I say I'd really like to go to Europe, I should plan a trip to Europe. Other days I have our summer so packed with fun I can't wait to get started. Other days I imagine how beautiful my yard will look in 10 years when the trees I'm going to plant have grown. Other days I imagine a grown up Baby Girl.

I still miss Dan, no matter what the day. I guess I wouldn't say I miss him less, I always miss him the same, it's just sometimes I can deal with it better than others. Like I said, I understand what my therapist is trying to get at, it's just that remembering how deeply I was loved is never a bad thing, and honestly I don't want to remember that less. Really I should want to remember it more. You know they say the best thing you can do for a child is have your eyes light up every time they walk into a room. I think thats true for adults too. Dan's eyes lit up every time he looked at me and it made my heart full, every time. I don't want to remember that less, I don't want to forget that, ever.

P.S. I've noticed I tend to end my blogs abruptly, I guess I should work on that.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here:  Carry on Castle

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