What nobody told you about widowhood: actual real everyday stuff

I meet a new widow friend the other day. She had the shitty luck of recently joining our club.  She mentioned how she had tried to go grocery shopping and had a panic attack, "totally didn't see that coming" she said. I commiserated with her "ya it happens."  Us widows talk about it all the time. I've even written a blog about it, you can read it HERE if you want.

So that got me to thinking about things that people don't know happens in this awesome new life of widowhood and I decided to make a list for all of you who are lucky enough to have no idea this was a thing and for all of you who are new in the club so when it does happen to you you can say o ya thats normal. This is a real list,  this isn't a ten things you didn't know but you actually did already know because you've heard it somewhere or other. This isn't grief comes in waves and you will always love them no matter what kinda stuff. This is the down and dirty, we have to face everyday  stuff that people don't know, unless of course you lived it.  Of course this may not be exactly you because everyone is different. In no particular order.

You will have a panic attack in the grocery store at least once but probably several times

You will cry when you replace your old mattress. in fact I wrote a blog about that too. You can read it HERE

Your body odor can change

You will keep all your windows closed tight, even if it's the height of summer because you are now scarred to leave them open even a crack, because what it somebody breaks in.

You will leave all the lights in your house on, even while sleeping, because all of a sudden your scared of the dark.

If your a women, you will despise your period even more, because now you will never have a chance to have a baby with him, even if you didn't want to before, even if you were done. Your period is just another thing screaming at you that he's dead.

Your hair can fall out or get grey strands, or both.

You have an ever-present feeling that everything is always going wrong, that you can’t ever seem to get a break from one bad thing happening after another.

Your brain will never work the way it did before, ever.

You will get mail addressed to your dead spouse, even 5 years later, even if you moved, most of them are pre-approvals for life insurance.

You won’t care about opening mail

Your food will no longer have any taste, this lasted about a year for me.

Your Grief feels like apathy, you just don't care about anything.

You can have PTSD. Yes it counts as severe trauma.

You will find it comforting to sit with their ashes, or sleep with them, or carry them around in your car.

You will loose your feeling of safety.

You will have to close/memorialize their social media accounts and it will feel like they are dying all over again.

You will constantly be afraid someone else will die and thus get really anxious when they don't text you back right away because your brain immediately jumps to they died.

You will flip off random happy couples

You will be jealous of old people

You will no longer have your local grocery store memorized, in fact you won't be able to find anything in any store.

You will have no regard for saving money, or buying the cheaper product, you just wont care anymore. you will stop caring how much the milk costs.

You will spoil your child even though you ask others not to, even though you know you shouldn't. You will do anything to get a smile on her face again, even if that means buying her a pony.

You will drive with your sun roof down in the rain, just to feel it, just to try and feel anything again. You don't care if your soaking wet in the process

Your feet will always get cold when you think about the night he died because they were cold than.

You will get a start of panic every time you hear a siren go down your road, until you can convince yourself its not here for you.

You'll pour over every single thing of his looking for that one thing, that one clue that would have let you know this was coming, you must have missed it, it must be somewhere.

You get much better at telling people to F off and simply doing what you want.

You will have to concentrate like you have never concentrated before just to walk, just to physically put one foot in front of the other.

You will live, you will breathe, no matter how much you thought you wouldn't or how much you don't want to anymore. No matter how hard it feels, you just keep breathing anyway.

I wrote a book about my grief, If you would like to read it you can buy it HERE