"Eh do it later"
Because I wanna do this now
Before Dan and I got married we took a premarital counseling class. I'm not really sure why, other then the small college we went to was really big on it. I remember exactly one thing from that class. In it we took the Myers Briggs personality test. It assigns letters to your personality and then those letters represent a characteristic or trait you have. You get four letters, If I thought long and hard I could remember what all four of Dan's and mine were but I don't wanna think that hard. What I do remember, what I have never forgotten from this class we took 22 years ago is that Dan was a P and I was a J. I don't remember what those letters stand for but I remember what they mean.
A J is a doer, a J gets shit done. A J gets shit done right now. That's me. I am a hard core J. I get shit done all the dam time. My friend who is also a J said to me once "wow you are a special kind of J aren't you." Meaning I was extreme even for the average J doer personality. I took it as a compliment.
A P is basically the exact opposite of that. A P takes its time and figures as long as it gets done eventually its all good. Dan was a P. Dan was an extreme P. Dan took the phrase "being perceived as lazy" as his P mantra. Dan wasn't lazy, I've never thought that about him, but he could definitely be perceived as lazy.
The best way I have to describe these personalities, I also got from that premarital counseling class. I as a J ask Dan to take the garbage out for me, my J brain expects that to happen sometime in the next five minutes although I would prefer the next 30 seconds. Dan as a P says "of course I will babe" However his P brain tells him as long as its done before the garbage man comes in two days your good to go. Cause the garbage got out. Since we went into our marriage knowing this about ourselves most of the time we could work with each other, but I can imagine it causes a lot of problems in other marriages.
Then Dan died.
Three and a half years later I meet my boyfriend. I'm certain Justin has never taken the Myers Briggs test. I'm also certain he is a J. Not only a J but a hard core J just like me. He might even put me a little to shame, I've never seen anybody get so much stuff done.
Justin likes to get stuff done, I really appreciate that and find it a very admirable trait. I like to get stuff done too. I also really like hanging out with my awesome amazing boyfriend. So I will call him and say "come hang out with me" Often he will say "I'd love to Jen but I gotta get some stuff done." Stuff is anything from folding laundry to mowing the lawn to redoing the whole backyard. I reply with "eh, do it later" This drives him nuts. He is a hard core J, he doesn't want to do it later he wants to do it now, he wants to get shit done. I sympathize, I do, I am a hard core J. If someone told me "eh do it later" it would drive me nuts. Yup I realize I am a walking contradiction here but I am what I am.
So Justin asks me "why do you say eh do it later, your just like me, you know I can't do it later." "I know" I tell him, "I just, I don't know, can't you do it later and come hang out with me now?" Lame answer I'm aware.
Justin and I have had a couple really busy weeks and we haven't got to spend much quality time together. Turns out I don't like that so much, so the other day when I said hey lets spend some time together, he said "I would love to babe but I gotta get stuff done" which was totally legit, and I understand, we've been very busy stuff needs to get done. I'm a J too. And I didn't like it one little bit.
I have discovered that I do this really weird widow thing, where I miss my boyfriend and that makes me miss my dead husband. Or I miss my dead husband and that makes me miss my boyfriend. They are not the same person, I know, after all Dan was a P and Justin is a J. But when the feeling of missing someone comes out, it all comes spilling out and spreads all over the floor and makes a giant mess, and you can't contain it and missing the living mixes with missing the dead and then your just all fucked up.
And thats where I had an epiphany. When Justin and I were finally able to spend some time together I told him I had a real answer to why I say "eh do it later" it's because Dan died. Dan died is the reason for almost everything I do. My life wouldn't be this way, I wouldn't feel this way or act this way if Dan hadn't died. It's all his fault.
Dan and I had a beautiful wonderful marriage. We kissed each other good night every night, we kissed each other goodbye every time we left. We still held hands all the time, you know like we were still in love or something. We snuggled on the couch every chance we got, we slept next to each other every night. We hugged each other constantly. We loved spending time together and going on adventures. We loved talking to each other.
Then Dan died. He just died. I don't say I'm glad he got the lawn mowed before he died, or I'm glad he got that project finished (ha right Dan was notorious for leaving unfinished projects, he was a P). What I say is, I wish we had spent more time together, I wish he would have held me more, I wish he would have kissed me more, I wish we would have had more time to talk. I wish we could have spent more nights in bed together. I wish we would have held hands more. We did all these things all the time and it wasn't enough. It will never be enough.
That is my problem, because when Justin dies tomorrow I'm not gonna say "I'm glad he got that pond finished" I'm gonna say "I wish we had more time together, I wish we would have held each other more, talked longer, kissed more, said I love you more." I tell him this as I start to cry, he says "don't cry baby, I'm not gonna die tomorrow, I'm not going anywhere." "I know" I say, I don't believe myself but I know thats what I'm supposed to say, I know thats what I'm supposed to believe, my brain just doesn't agree. "I know, your not gonna die tomorrow, but neither was Dan." That's my big hang up, my healthy young husband died, so whats gonna stop my healthy young boyfriend from dying. It is a huge giant fear I carry with me all the time.
I also came to another revelation, I'm not nearly as J as I was before Dan died. I don't care nearly as much about getting stuff done, I mean I'm still a J but I let things go for other things, I'll leave piles of laundry so I can hang out with my kid or my boyfriend, My house is constantly messy and I don't even care. It's possible thats the Prozac is chilling my J out. I do know I have way too many regrets of not spending enough time with Dan and I don't want to have that regret again.
Before Dan and I got married we took a premarital counseling class. I'm not really sure why, other then the small college we went to was really big on it. I remember exactly one thing from that class. In it we took the Myers Briggs personality test. It assigns letters to your personality and then those letters represent a characteristic or trait you have. You get four letters, If I thought long and hard I could remember what all four of Dan's and mine were but I don't wanna think that hard. What I do remember, what I have never forgotten from this class we took 22 years ago is that Dan was a P and I was a J. I don't remember what those letters stand for but I remember what they mean.
A J is a doer, a J gets shit done. A J gets shit done right now. That's me. I am a hard core J. I get shit done all the dam time. My friend who is also a J said to me once "wow you are a special kind of J aren't you." Meaning I was extreme even for the average J doer personality. I took it as a compliment.
A P is basically the exact opposite of that. A P takes its time and figures as long as it gets done eventually its all good. Dan was a P. Dan was an extreme P. Dan took the phrase "being perceived as lazy" as his P mantra. Dan wasn't lazy, I've never thought that about him, but he could definitely be perceived as lazy.
The best way I have to describe these personalities, I also got from that premarital counseling class. I as a J ask Dan to take the garbage out for me, my J brain expects that to happen sometime in the next five minutes although I would prefer the next 30 seconds. Dan as a P says "of course I will babe" However his P brain tells him as long as its done before the garbage man comes in two days your good to go. Cause the garbage got out. Since we went into our marriage knowing this about ourselves most of the time we could work with each other, but I can imagine it causes a lot of problems in other marriages.
Then Dan died.
Three and a half years later I meet my boyfriend. I'm certain Justin has never taken the Myers Briggs test. I'm also certain he is a J. Not only a J but a hard core J just like me. He might even put me a little to shame, I've never seen anybody get so much stuff done.
Justin likes to get stuff done, I really appreciate that and find it a very admirable trait. I like to get stuff done too. I also really like hanging out with my awesome amazing boyfriend. So I will call him and say "come hang out with me" Often he will say "I'd love to Jen but I gotta get some stuff done." Stuff is anything from folding laundry to mowing the lawn to redoing the whole backyard. I reply with "eh, do it later" This drives him nuts. He is a hard core J, he doesn't want to do it later he wants to do it now, he wants to get shit done. I sympathize, I do, I am a hard core J. If someone told me "eh do it later" it would drive me nuts. Yup I realize I am a walking contradiction here but I am what I am.
So Justin asks me "why do you say eh do it later, your just like me, you know I can't do it later." "I know" I tell him, "I just, I don't know, can't you do it later and come hang out with me now?" Lame answer I'm aware.
Justin and I have had a couple really busy weeks and we haven't got to spend much quality time together. Turns out I don't like that so much, so the other day when I said hey lets spend some time together, he said "I would love to babe but I gotta get stuff done" which was totally legit, and I understand, we've been very busy stuff needs to get done. I'm a J too. And I didn't like it one little bit.
I have discovered that I do this really weird widow thing, where I miss my boyfriend and that makes me miss my dead husband. Or I miss my dead husband and that makes me miss my boyfriend. They are not the same person, I know, after all Dan was a P and Justin is a J. But when the feeling of missing someone comes out, it all comes spilling out and spreads all over the floor and makes a giant mess, and you can't contain it and missing the living mixes with missing the dead and then your just all fucked up.
And thats where I had an epiphany. When Justin and I were finally able to spend some time together I told him I had a real answer to why I say "eh do it later" it's because Dan died. Dan died is the reason for almost everything I do. My life wouldn't be this way, I wouldn't feel this way or act this way if Dan hadn't died. It's all his fault.
Dan and I had a beautiful wonderful marriage. We kissed each other good night every night, we kissed each other goodbye every time we left. We still held hands all the time, you know like we were still in love or something. We snuggled on the couch every chance we got, we slept next to each other every night. We hugged each other constantly. We loved spending time together and going on adventures. We loved talking to each other.
Then Dan died. He just died. I don't say I'm glad he got the lawn mowed before he died, or I'm glad he got that project finished (ha right Dan was notorious for leaving unfinished projects, he was a P). What I say is, I wish we had spent more time together, I wish he would have held me more, I wish he would have kissed me more, I wish we would have had more time to talk. I wish we could have spent more nights in bed together. I wish we would have held hands more. We did all these things all the time and it wasn't enough. It will never be enough.
That is my problem, because when Justin dies tomorrow I'm not gonna say "I'm glad he got that pond finished" I'm gonna say "I wish we had more time together, I wish we would have held each other more, talked longer, kissed more, said I love you more." I tell him this as I start to cry, he says "don't cry baby, I'm not gonna die tomorrow, I'm not going anywhere." "I know" I say, I don't believe myself but I know thats what I'm supposed to say, I know thats what I'm supposed to believe, my brain just doesn't agree. "I know, your not gonna die tomorrow, but neither was Dan." That's my big hang up, my healthy young husband died, so whats gonna stop my healthy young boyfriend from dying. It is a huge giant fear I carry with me all the time.
I also came to another revelation, I'm not nearly as J as I was before Dan died. I don't care nearly as much about getting stuff done, I mean I'm still a J but I let things go for other things, I'll leave piles of laundry so I can hang out with my kid or my boyfriend, My house is constantly messy and I don't even care. It's possible thats the Prozac is chilling my J out. I do know I have way too many regrets of not spending enough time with Dan and I don't want to have that regret again.
I always love your writing, Jenny
ReplyDeleteI am a P on MBTI and Mike was a J
I think my new Medjool is a J
And I think both work wonders together, so long as you have had that conversation of "tomorrow might not come... it might, but it might not...."