The therapy of coloring
The summer after Dan died we were at our annual beach trip with his family. It was fathers day weekend and we were going to spread some of his ashes while we were there. I remember very little about that trip. I remember walking along the beach with my sandals dangling from my hand, so many tears in my eyes I could barley see the ocean, screaming and yelling at Dan and God, both equally. I still don't know who I'm madder at.
I remember one conversation I had with my sister in law, she said "So what are you doing there?" I thought it was pretty obvious but ok I'll tell her. "Coloring" I was coloring in one of those adult coloring books, I had been coloring in it all week, pretty non stop. "Well duh I can see your coloring, what I meant was I've never seen you do that before, I was wondering if it was something your therapist had told you to do or something." O I get it, Jenny's going crazy so she needs something to calm her mind down was probably what she was thinking. The thing was she was exactly right except my therapist didn't tell me to do it I came up with it on my own.
I then went into a conversation with my sister in law about how yes I have really gotten into coloring since Dan died. I mean I have always liked coloring, especially when I was a kid, but this was different. This was like a need to color. "Ya I like it because it takes concentration but not actual thinking." Dude that was a very smart thing for me to say just then because I was exactly right. You see I used to be an avid reader, but I couldn't read now, it took too much concentration, too much effort. How could I possibly read when I had images of my husband dying running through my head on a loop. I couldn't really hold conversations they also took way too much concentration and effort. Thinking, too much thinking. Coloring didn't take any thinking, but it did take concentration, something to focus on.
I have always had a creative mind, I love doing crafts, but that took way too much effort now, I didn't have energy even for things I loved. All I could think about was Dan dying and Dan being dead. But coloring I could do, Like I said it took concentration but not thinking. I could focus on something but it didn't take up mental energy that I just plain didn't have. Take five minutes to decide what shade of purple to use was totally acceptable, taking five minutes to answer a question wasn't. So I colored while thoughts of Dan went through my head. It was just enough distraction. Pages and pages of adult coloring books I have filled, way more then your average person that gets one for a Christmas present.
Coloring really took no effort from me, thats why I liked it. When Dan died I was encouraged to practice self care; you know go on walks, go hiking, meditate, exercise, eat healthy take time to yourself. Ya thats all great in theory, not a single person could comprehend how much work any of that was in actuality. I'll just be straight up honest with you, I've never been much for exercise so that just wasn't going to happen, you can't start something new when you can't even breathe. Eating healthy sounded good but it was just so much dam effort, pouring a bowl of cereal was so much dam effort I could barley do it, i couldn't fry an egg it took energy I didn't have, how am I supposed to chop carrots? Take time to myself; you people know I have a kid right? A kid who literally won't leave my hip because shes afraid I will die, how am I going to find time to myself? Walking and hiking sounded good, those were things I always loved, I tried it a couple times. It was indescribable how hard it was to make one foot go in front of the other, I had to concentrate, I had to tell myself 'one more step, move this one now the other one' I couldn't even remember what one was right and left. Meditating also sounded ok but it required a quite house and a clean piece of floor, neither of those I had or could acquire the energy to create.
Coloring I could do. Coloring I could do even if the house was a mess, all I needed was my lap, hell I didn't even need that, many times I could continue coloring with Baby Girl sitting in my lap. I could color as she had the t.v. blaring her favorite show for the 1,000th time, loud distracting noises didn't get in the way of coloring. I didn't have to walk to color, I didn't have to move to color. I didn't have to get dressed to color. I could even color while people came over to visit me, I didn't have to uphold a conversation, I could just nod my head while I colored. I could easily take my coloring wherever I went like family beach trips.
There are lots of study that art is a great form of therapy, you can google it I don't wanna. I wanna color, coloring is one of my forms of therapy. Yes I still color, it still calms my mind, resets my brain in a way. If I can color a little bit then I can take a deep breathe and think about whatever task needs to be done.
If all those other forms of self care people are telling you to do just seem way too daunting like they did for me, you might want to try coloring. You don't even need fancy coloring books, you can just steal one of your kids. You don't have to stay in the lines either, hell you might feel better if you don't, just scribble as hard as you can like toddlers do. Ya that actually sounds like a really good idea, I want to try that too.
I wrote a memoir about my grief. You can read it HERE
I remember one conversation I had with my sister in law, she said "So what are you doing there?" I thought it was pretty obvious but ok I'll tell her. "Coloring" I was coloring in one of those adult coloring books, I had been coloring in it all week, pretty non stop. "Well duh I can see your coloring, what I meant was I've never seen you do that before, I was wondering if it was something your therapist had told you to do or something." O I get it, Jenny's going crazy so she needs something to calm her mind down was probably what she was thinking. The thing was she was exactly right except my therapist didn't tell me to do it I came up with it on my own.
I then went into a conversation with my sister in law about how yes I have really gotten into coloring since Dan died. I mean I have always liked coloring, especially when I was a kid, but this was different. This was like a need to color. "Ya I like it because it takes concentration but not actual thinking." Dude that was a very smart thing for me to say just then because I was exactly right. You see I used to be an avid reader, but I couldn't read now, it took too much concentration, too much effort. How could I possibly read when I had images of my husband dying running through my head on a loop. I couldn't really hold conversations they also took way too much concentration and effort. Thinking, too much thinking. Coloring didn't take any thinking, but it did take concentration, something to focus on.
I have always had a creative mind, I love doing crafts, but that took way too much effort now, I didn't have energy even for things I loved. All I could think about was Dan dying and Dan being dead. But coloring I could do, Like I said it took concentration but not thinking. I could focus on something but it didn't take up mental energy that I just plain didn't have. Take five minutes to decide what shade of purple to use was totally acceptable, taking five minutes to answer a question wasn't. So I colored while thoughts of Dan went through my head. It was just enough distraction. Pages and pages of adult coloring books I have filled, way more then your average person that gets one for a Christmas present.
Coloring really took no effort from me, thats why I liked it. When Dan died I was encouraged to practice self care; you know go on walks, go hiking, meditate, exercise, eat healthy take time to yourself. Ya thats all great in theory, not a single person could comprehend how much work any of that was in actuality. I'll just be straight up honest with you, I've never been much for exercise so that just wasn't going to happen, you can't start something new when you can't even breathe. Eating healthy sounded good but it was just so much dam effort, pouring a bowl of cereal was so much dam effort I could barley do it, i couldn't fry an egg it took energy I didn't have, how am I supposed to chop carrots? Take time to myself; you people know I have a kid right? A kid who literally won't leave my hip because shes afraid I will die, how am I going to find time to myself? Walking and hiking sounded good, those were things I always loved, I tried it a couple times. It was indescribable how hard it was to make one foot go in front of the other, I had to concentrate, I had to tell myself 'one more step, move this one now the other one' I couldn't even remember what one was right and left. Meditating also sounded ok but it required a quite house and a clean piece of floor, neither of those I had or could acquire the energy to create.
Coloring I could do. Coloring I could do even if the house was a mess, all I needed was my lap, hell I didn't even need that, many times I could continue coloring with Baby Girl sitting in my lap. I could color as she had the t.v. blaring her favorite show for the 1,000th time, loud distracting noises didn't get in the way of coloring. I didn't have to walk to color, I didn't have to move to color. I didn't have to get dressed to color. I could even color while people came over to visit me, I didn't have to uphold a conversation, I could just nod my head while I colored. I could easily take my coloring wherever I went like family beach trips.
There are lots of study that art is a great form of therapy, you can google it I don't wanna. I wanna color, coloring is one of my forms of therapy. Yes I still color, it still calms my mind, resets my brain in a way. If I can color a little bit then I can take a deep breathe and think about whatever task needs to be done.
If all those other forms of self care people are telling you to do just seem way too daunting like they did for me, you might want to try coloring. You don't even need fancy coloring books, you can just steal one of your kids. You don't have to stay in the lines either, hell you might feel better if you don't, just scribble as hard as you can like toddlers do. Ya that actually sounds like a really good idea, I want to try that too.
I wrote a memoir about my grief. You can read it HERE
When my husband became dependent on a wheelchair the last 6 years, he became bored and a little depressed. I bought adult quality coloring books and tons of colored pencils. He seemed to always be coloring while watching TV. Now he's gone and left behind many coloring books filled with his beautiful artwork. They are my treasures.
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