Dear Baby Girl, today is going to be a good day and here's why

I bought tickets to the play "Dear Evan Hansen" a few months ago, I had heard great things about it and was really excited to go. "Whats it about?" someone asked "Well its about this kid that commits suicide and how his friends deal with it" I know sounds fantastic right. But if I've done anything in the last five years it's been embrace everything grief related, so I was excited to see Dear Evan Hansen.

When I originally bought the tickets I asked Baby Girl if she wanted to come along she said "Nope looks boring, whats it even about?" She wasn't enthralled by the explanation I had, so I didn't get her a ticket. My mother in law went with some of her friends a few days before me. She called me after seeing it. "Jennifer every single high school and middle school child in America needs to see this play" "It was that good huh" "Yes it is that good" My boyfriend Justin and I went to the play. Within the first five minutes I had wished I made Baby Girl go to this play. By intermission I was kicking myself, 'I really want Baby Girl to see this play, I wish I would have taken Baby Girl to see this play.' By the time the play ended I was calculating how I could get my hands on another set of tickets so I could take Baby Girl to this play. She NEEDS to see it. When I got home I posted on Facebook, 'I just got home from Dear Evan Hansen, if you have a teen or tween child you need to take them to this play." The next day I got tickets for Baby Girl, two of her friends, and myself to go see the play.

I saw my dad who also had tickets for a few days later. "It was really that good huh?" He asked after my glowing review of how he was gonna love it. "Ya Dad it was so good I turned around and bought more tickets so I can take Baby Girl." "You think she'll like it that much?" "I don't know, but I think she needs to see it that much" He also had a vague idea about what it was about, a high school kid who commits suicide. "Jen you don't think it will be too much for her?" "Well Dad, her dad's dead so I think shes pretty familiar with the concept." He said he supposed I was right.

Turns out my above description is not exactly what its about. Evan Hansen is a high school kid who could be described as socially awkward, a nerd or as he said himself "Well I was gonna say loser but ya nerd works." Conner Murphy could be described as a druggy, a loser, or because I'm a nineties girl I would describe him as Grunge. Connor and Evan are not friends. One day Connor and Evan have lets say an interaction. By coincidence that same day Connor dies by suicide.  From the evidence of their previous interaction and some mistakes that are made everyone thinks that Evan and Conner were best friends. The play is then about how Evan, who doesn't have any friends, deals with having a dead fake best friend. And it gets really deep and profound, hidden of course by songs and laughter. I'm not sure what happened more during the play me laughing or me being sad. I did walk out of it at a complete loss for words as I think most people did.

I am a play person, I think everyone should see every play, every chance they get, I think live theater is amazing. I've seen Wicked 4 times because I think it's amazing. I tell everyone to go to Wicked. Wicked is not like this play, Wicked you go see for fun and you get a little moral and you get a little depth. Dear Evan Hansen NEEDS to be seen. It has this way of weaving grief, loneliness, parenting, teen angst, anxiety, and social media into an amazing musical. I think the average person leaves this play thinking "wow, I had no idea it (grief, anxiety, etc) was like that" I left this play going "Ya it's exactly like that"  

My Baby Girl who is 12 years old, has a dead dad, has tons of anxiety, and doesn't feel like she quite fits in saw the play with her two best friends (thank you God that she has friends, sometimes she feels like she doesn't). Those three girls were on the edge of their seats the entire time, they were laughing and gasping at parts. It was incredible to see them so immersed in it. As we were walking to the car I asked Baby Girl what she thought about the play. "Oh it was ok I guess" I guess thats the best answer I could hope for from a middle schooler.

I talked to my dad after he saw the play. "ya Jen the play was amazing but I'm still surprised you wanted Baby Girl to see it so bad. What about all the cussing and sex jokes and all that other stuff" Ya theirs some cussing and there a few sex jokes, but it's not like she lives in a cave. The other stuff he's referring to is grief, pain, loneliness, feeling all alone, like nobody understands you, wishing desperately that somebody would. "That other stuff is EXACTLY what I wanted her to see dad" 

You see in this play is a letter, a sad sad letter. Evan wrote it just to get his feelings out, just to put them somewhere (at least that's what I believe). Conner found Evans letter and stuffed it in his pocket. Then Connor killed himself. His parents found the letter and believed Connor wrote it, a suicide note, his last words. Because the letter could have easily been construed that way. Evan and Connor are a lot alike. There both lonely, have no friends, wish things were different, wish they mattered. It could have been a suicide letter for either one of them. Evan felt the same way about life as Connor did, and yet Connor killed himself and Evan didn't, even if he might have wanted to.

Why is that I wonder? What let Connor go and what kept Even here? How do you sort it out. And how in God's name do you keep that from being your own child, because that is my greatest fear. After talking to my dad I talked to my boyfriend Justin. "Do you know why I wanted Baby Girl to see that play so bad?"  "Ya I do, or at least I think I do." He stopped talking cause he could see in my eyes that he was right. "Ya honey I get it, But thats not your Baby Girl, she would never do that, she would never be like that." "How do you know?" I asked. Because deep down inside where I don't wanna talk about it and I don't want to think it and I don't want to write about it, it is my very very biggest darkest fear; that this trauma of loosing her daddy will ruin her. ( I don't wanna talk about it so lets put it in a public blog, ya that makes all kinds of sense Jenny)

Now don't misunderstand me, I have no reason to believe Baby Girl would ever do such a thing, But Evans mom didn't think that either. She was raising him on her own working her ass off to take care of him. She made him go to therapy because she was worried about him, she asked him everyday if he had taken his medication and it really annoyed him. She knew he had a huge problem with anxiety and yet couldn't fix it for him. Maybe that's why I wanted Baby Girl to see this play so bad I saw a lot of her in Evan. Because I can see how alone she feels sometimes. I can see how she thinks she doesn't fit in. God help me I can see how she might let go of a tree branch.

In the play Evan sings:

Have you ever felt like nobody was there?
Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?
Have you ever felt like you could disappear?
Like you could fall, and no one would hear?

Evan has defiantly felt that way. Has baby Girl?

In another song he sings

Even if you've always been that barely-in-the-background kind of guy
You still matter

And even if you're somebody who can't escape the feeling
That the world's passed you by
You still matter

If you never get around to doing some remarkable thing
That doesn't mean that you're not worth remembering

Even if Evan didn't necessarily believe it himself he wanted to believe in it, He then went on a campaign, half to remember Connor, half to help others like Connor and like himself know that they are not alone:

Well, let that lonely feeling wash away
Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be okay
'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand
You can reach, reach out your hand

And oh, someone will coming running
And I know, they'll take you home

Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
And when you're broken on the ground
You will be found

And that is exactly what I wanted my Baby Girl to know.

I wrote a book about my grief. If you would like to read it you can get it HERE