Pick up the phone

Do you wanna now something that would always annoy me about Dan? Really it annoys me when anyone does it, but it would especially annoy me with Dan. He would never answer his phone. I could be texting him and he would be immediately texting me back but then if I decided to just call him instead he wouldn't answer his phone. What was that about? Clearly you saw I was calling you, your phone is right in your hand, just answer it. It would drive me nuts.

I've had several dreams about Dan this week. It rarely happens that I dream at all and it is even rarer that I dream about Dan.  In the February that won't seem to end (thank goodness it's finally March 1st) I am having the same recurring dream about Dan:

I call him and he won't pick up the phone. I know he's there just holding it in his hand, but he won't answer my phone call. I am frustrated at him, just like I was in real life, "grrrrrrrrrrrr Dan why won't you answer your phone?" I say in an annoyed voice. My friends and family are standing around me, they all say something to the effect of "Well it's fine I just talked to him five minutes ago" This makes me even madder, why do they all get to talk to him and I don't? I'm his wife, he should answer the phone for his wife.

But he doesn't, because he's dead. He's been dead four years and two and a half months. He won't answer his phone, he won't talk to me. I have so much I want to talk to him about.  'Hey Dan I have a boyfriend. What do you think of him?' 'Hey Dan Baby Girl is going to outdoor school next month, I wrote on her forms she has anxiety and takes antidepressants'  'she is such a tween, its driving me crazy' 'she is exactly like you' 'hey Dan can you pick up some milk on your way home? Do you need directions? you've never been here'

I think mostly I wanna just here his voice answer the phone 'yes Jennifer' in a sweet calm voice or 'gaaaaaaaaaa what' in a busy voice. I want to here a sniffle from his allergies come through the receiver. I want to hear him tell me he talked to his mom today. I want him to say 'Ya were not doing that' to some outlandish plan I have, which isn't outlandish to me, only to him because he's an introvert and it involves people. I want him to say something crazy like he needs to go to Mexico and help stop human trafficking.

I want him to hang up the phone with a 'I'll be home soon' and I want it to be true. First though he has to pick it up and thats not going to happen.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on castle

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