And I cried some more.

I do this thing with my new boyfriend where I cry over my dead husband. I used to think a man like that did not exist. To quote myself "Someone who would want to kiss me one minute and hold me while I cry over my dead husband the next minute does not exist."  I may have found the only guy out there who gets it without having actually gone through it.

Thus the other night we were talking on the phone, we were talking about him, not me, he said something and I don't even remember what it was but I replied "sometimes you and Dan are very much alike" he asked me in what way.

You both work so hard, because you both care about your family so much. When Baby Gril was born I went back to work, all three of us hated it. It was Dan that said 'Enough, we will find another way to make income, stay home' that other way was babysitting kids at my house, I did that for a year or so, all three of us hated it. It was Dan that said 'Enough, this is too much for you, we will find another way.' Dan worked harder so I could work less.

Thus came the crying. Dan worked so hard for us. Dan worked and went to school and did his internship all while I stayed home with Baby Girl.

"I think I took Dan for granted" as I sobbed into the phone.

"No you didn't honey, you appreciated him, I know how much you loved him." Justin says

"It was always Dan. Dan always took care of me, when I was pregnant and I didn't have the strength to do anything Dan said 'So, thats not important, you are growing our baby, thats all that matters.' After Baby Girl was born and I had some post partom depression it was Dan that said 'Enough Jennifer, lets get you some help.' When breastfeeding wasn't working and I laid on the floor and cried for being an inadequate mother it was Dan that said 'Enough Jennifer, we are not doing this to you anymore, she will be fine on formula.'

By now I'm sobbing into the phone, I can't catch my breath. I can hear Justin on the phone

"Just breathe Jen, Just breathe, take a deep breath."

"I can't, I can't. It hurts. It hurts." I say in short breaths

"I'm coming over Jen" Just like that he was there ten minutes latter (yes he does live that close, it is very convenient.)

He held me, he held me while I cried because I missed Dan, because I was feeling like I had taken Dan for granted. He  held me because I was crying so hard over Dan I couldn't breathe. He held me because thats all he could do, and thats all I needed from him.

After I calmed down I asked Justin if he would like to watch some videos of Dan with me. He said of course he would. I showed him a couple of Dan teaching Baby Girl to ride a bike, I showed him one of Baby Girl chasing her daddy when she was just barely able to walk.

"He was such a great dad" Justin says, "I can see the confidence he is instilling in her. I wish I could have meet him."

Not the first time we've spent the evening with him holding me while I talk about Dan and I'm sure it won't be the last. Someone told Justin when we first started dating that I should have been over my dead husband in the first 6 months-1 year. Even in the beginning of our relationship Justin could see that was absurd. It's been four years since Dan died, I'm not over him, I never will be, I am learning how to live without him. It is a miracle that I have a boyfriend who understands that. Like I said in the beginning of this post, sometimes he is a lot like Dan.


I wrote a book about my grief, you can buy it here Carry on Castle