concussion


Baby Girl came home from school last Wednesday, "Mommy guess what happened in Gym! I got hit in the head with a hockey stick."

"Oh Baby Girl are you ok? Did it hurt?"

"It didn't hurt bad enough to make me cry but I went to the office and got a bag of ice."

Oh ok, I guess your fine. Thats all I thought about it, she was fine. The next day after school she said her head hurt. I replied with "well ya you got hit in the head with a hockey stick, it's probably bruised and going to hurt for a few days."

The next day she said her head hurt. "Huh, it still hurts, you must have gotten hit pretty good, you really didn't cry?"

The next day. "Mommy my head really hurts" huh thats so weird I would have thought it would be feeling better by now not worse. All weekend long she complained that her head hurt. By Sunday night it was hurting so bad she was crying. Monday morning it hurt so bad she didn't want to go to school. "I don't even want to watch TV mommy my head hurts too bad." Ok, thats not normal. So instead of going to school we went to the Dr.

The Dr. diagnosed her with a 'fairly big concussion' she also commented about 20 times how head injuries can get very serious and shes so glad I brought her in.  The dr said to bring her back in a week for a check up and in the meantime 0 screens, no gym class, and try not to get hit in the head. What does one do with an 11 year old whose not allowed to have any screen time for a week?

We got home and we went over to the neighbors house where one of her best friends lives "Guess what guys! I have a concussion." I sat on the couch feeling like a failure of a mother and told the parents the story. This turned into a conversation about how serious head injuries can be and how I need to keep a really good eye on her.  Ya ya I know head injuries can be serious, believe me I know.

This lead into a conversation about kids and sports and how so many athletes these days have some very serious injuries. Ya ya I know. I know this story. Do they know this story? They know how Dan died of course we have discussed it many times.

"You know thats how we think Dan got his seizures."

"What from sports?" the dad asked.

"Ya from wrestling. We can't prove it of course but we suspect Dan got his seizures from being knocked in the head so much for the 6 ish years he did wrestling." I wonder if his mom knows how many concussions he got? The conversation continued for awhile and I went home. I didn't think much about it.

That evening I went out to dinner with Justin

"Are you ok sweetie" he asked me.

 "ya I'm fine why?"

"you seem distracted, distant, like somethings bothering you."

"Ya I guess I'm worried about Baby Girl. Poor thing she really hurt her head."

Most of the time I'm really bad at being able to recognize whats bothering me in the moment. I didn't sleep well at all that night. I was worried about Baby Girl. I kept thinking about Dan dying. they kept intermixing.

The next day I was telling Justin about how I didn't sleep well. I was telling him about how I kept thinking about Baby girls head and Dan dying while I was trying to sleep. Then it hit me, then I realized what was really bothering me. As I tend to do I started crying on the phone to Justin.

"O thats it. Dan got seizures from being hit in the head. Baby Girl got hit in the head."

"I was wondering if you were connecting those two" Justin said. Ummmmm, I guess I was, I didn't know I was. My subconscious was. That was why I was so bothered. You see when you have a trauma like watching your husband die of a siezure, it really screws up the way you think. Even if you know it's irrational you still think it.

My brain went like this:

Baby Girl hurt her head playing sports
Dan got seizures by hurting his head playing sports
What if Baby Girl got seizures
Dan died of a siezure
What if Baby Girl dies from a siezure.

O God, O God, O God......what if Baby Girl dies... O God, O God, O God. I can't, I can't, I can't.

It's completely irrational
it doesn't make any sense
It's not going to happen

I believe I said all those things about Dan too, and it did happen. So whether in my subconscious or not thats where my brain goes. That is where anxiety and panic attacks come from. that is how I live now.

To hear more of my story read my book  Carry on Castle

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