Ya that movie was not for us.

Baby Girl and I went to see 'A wrinkle in time' with some friends tonight. They invited us and I thought oh ya I read that book in Jr High, it was pretty good this will be fun.  Uh ya apparently I don't remember what it was actually about, more likely I didn't pick up on the massive grief theme when I read it because hey I was in jr high and both my parents were alive and well. If I had remembered this I don't think I would have taken Baby Girl to see it. Or maybe we're over sensitive to that kind of stuff these days.

Now I am going to spoil the movie so if you don't want to know what happens you may want to stop reading. The movie opens with a beautiful little girl who is about seven or eight playing with her daddy. You can see the light and the sparkle in her eyes, her daddy is everything to her. She helps him work and he teaches her that love is all around them. They spin around the room and they are both so happy. It even shows how in love the mom and dad are with each other, they are soul mates. They even talk about the baby they are about to adopt (no joke). I could tell in the first five minutes this movie was going to be harsh, I even thought about leaving but we were with friends and I didn't want to overreact.

Then one night the dad disappears. Just disappears into thin air. Just leaves his baby girl he loved so much, his wife he adored, and in this case the baby boy they just adopted. He is never seen again. Some people think he had an affair and left his family. His family knows something awful must have happened to him for him to ever leave. A lot of people say he's dead.

Four years pass. The little girl is now in Jr. high (man I don't even wanna go there) she doesn't really have any friends. The sparkle and life are gone from her eyes (just like Baby Girl) The kids all make fun of her for not having a dad. The teachers talk about her to each other, about how she used to be a great student, how she used to be so exuberant, and now she is the opposite and they just can't understand what her deal is. She gets in a fight with a classmate (who is always making fun of her for having a dead dad) and gets sent to the principal's office. The principal reiterates what the other teachers have said but then adds "It's been four years you can't use your dad being gone as an excuse anymore, what would happen if he were standing right here, right now."  she responds "the world would make sense again."

I have said those exact words before, if Dan were here the world would make sense again. Thankfully for us Baby Girl's teachers and principal are not anywhere near that stupid and they all have a great deal of understanding and grace for us.  But it's still hard, Dan has been dead for three years and the pain is every bit as real. I have to deal with it everyday when I talk to other people. Baby Girl has to deal with it everyday when she goes to school. We live in a world that doesn't make any sense.

Back to the movie: Some crazy mystical beings come and tell the little girl that her father is actually alive and they literally go searching the entire universe for him. This is where it stabs us both in the heart. She finds him, she finds her dad, he is alive, they haven't seen each other for four years, he hugs and kisses her and tells her how much he loves her. She cries and holds him as tight as possible and says "I've missed you so much daddy."  I look over at Baby girl and tears are running down her face, she holds me as tight as she can. I can tell she wishes she weren't crying but she can't make it stop.

How utterly fucking unfair. Why does her dad get to be alive? Where are our mystical beings to take us across the universe? We would go happily if we could find Dan at the end of it. Baby Girl would go to the ends of the universe to get her daddy back, that is way easier then making him come back from the dead.

The movie ends of course happily with the family being reunited. The dad hugging his children and telling them how much he loves them. Him kissing his wife as tears of joy run down her cheeks. Hooray for them. Baby Girl and I walk out of the auditorium holding each other. So sad we can feel it on each other. Our story doesn't end that way.

Our friends say 'wasn't that a good movie did you like it' neither of us respond. We use the bathroom, I actually have to take deep breaths and concentrate to keep myself from crying. Baby Girl tells me she wants to go home. We are supposed to go out to dinner with our friends. I'm asked again if I liked it. I grimace "I thought it was really sad"

We bough out of dinner and start driving home, Baby Girl is trying to hold back tears again. I say over my shoulder "I didn't really like that movie." "Me neither" says Baby Girl. "why didn't you like it mommy?"  hmmmmmmmm how do I say this. "well honestly I didn't think it was fair that they got to rescue their daddy and we didn't. We would go across the universe to rescue daddy wouldn't we!"  "yaaaaaaa" Baby Girl says through tears. I continue "It made me really sad, it made me really miss daddy" All pretense was gone, Baby Girl burst into tears "MEEEEEEEEEE TOOOOOOOO"

Wait what? Baby Girl who never talks about her emotions is crying and telling me she's crying because that sad movie made her miss daddy. Uhhhhh I don't know what to do with this, for a moment I wished she would go back to having a tantrum. Wait no, this is better. I say "O Baby Girl do you want mommy to pull over so I can snuggle you?" she answers quietly through tears, no screaming, no raging. "No, mommy I just want to go home" we go home and make slime (her new favorite pastime) and eat icecream for dinner.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle