Happy Birthday to me
I was 34 when Dan died. Four months later I was turning 35. I didn't want to, I didn't want to have a birthday without Dan, after all he had been with me to do something special for my birthday ever since I turned 17. I also knew my family who loves me fiercely would realize this and try to overcompensate for my now lack of a husband and I didn't want them to. What I wanted to do was run away, distract myself. So I did. Baby Girl, my sister and myself went to Disneyland for my 35th birthday. It was a pretty good distraction although you can never really run away from grief.
The next year I turned 36. I was in the same spot, I didn't want to acknowledge my birthday without Dan. In fact the only good thing about my birthday is that it brought me one year closer to seeing Dan. So again we ran away. This year we went to the RedWoods. They were amazing, I loved them, Dan would have loved them. It was an amazing trip, I still missed Dan but I avoided my birthday mostly.
When I turned 37 I had family obligations and I couldn't run away. I didn't want a birthday either though. I settled for dinner with my family to celebrate my birthday. It was probably the lowest key birthday I ever had. Another year down to seeing Dan.
Yesterday I turned 38. I wanted to run away this year but I did not have the funding for that. A couple weeks ago I was in therapy, (everyone go to therapy). I mentioned maybe I would have a bbq for my birthday and invite a bunch of friends over. "That's a great idea" my therapist said. Uh I don't know, it's a lot of people and what if I wake up that morning and all I want to do is stay in bed and cry all day. What if I have 30 people in my house and I can't get out of bed. "so what!" my therapist said. Then she told me without telling me because shes big on not telling me what I should do, that I should have a Birthday party. The next day I went to my psychologist (cause she give me the pretty medication) I was telling her about my considering a party and about my reservations. She seems to have no problem telling me what to do and she said "Well, thats when you just have to pull up your big girl panties and get out of bed anyway" I groaned "ugggggggggggg but I do that all the time" "I know." she said "That's why I know you can do it this time" ugggggggggg did I just tell you all to go to therapy? Maybe that was too hasty of me.
I went home and made a facebook event before I could change my mind. I called it 'My therapist told me to have a birthday party' That way if it was a disaster we would all know who to blame. A few days before my birthday I ran into a friend at Baby Girls school. I didn't know her real well but I did like her. she asked us about our plan for the weekend and Baby Girl invited her to my birthday party. I kind of mumbled something about I was having a party I guess because I was still unsure that I wouldn't be hiding under my bed. She took it the wrong way and said "O don't feel obligated to invite me" "no no it's not that, I would love for you to come" which was true. It didn't seem like the right time to explain that I have been running away from my birthday ever since my husband died and I may end up hiding under my bed this time. So I just let it be awkward.
Saturday. Party day, I did not hide under my bed and I only hid in my room with my besties for a little while. Baby Girl did not hide in her room either, which she also threatened. We had a party, a lot of people came, we had fun. I missed Dan but thats nothing new. We had cake and presents. Baby Girl got me a beautiful gift that made me think perhaps I'm not totally screwing her up after all. It was a really good day. As one of my friends was leaving she said "you would have never had a party like this if Dan were here, he was too much of an introvert" "Your totally right" I said "But I wouldn't have wanted to either because he would have been here. he would have got me presents and taken me out to dinner and a movie, heck I probably could have gotten a weekend at the beach because he totally owes me"
Monday was my actual birthday, I wasn't even worried about it because we had already had a party and that went great. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. I slept terribly Sunday night, tossing and turning, and waking up several times. I think perhaps Baby girl didn't sleep well either because when I woke up she was still asleep and that never happens. I felt awful. I must have caught a cold on Saturday, my throat hurt and my ears were all plugged up. I looked at the clock, it was 8:30. Hmm the bus comes at 8:30, school starts at 9. Crap we gotta move. I went into baby girls room and woke her up. "Come on Baby Girl we gotta get going we slept in late mommy is going to have to drive you" she moaned, then she remembered "happy birthday mommy." Then the very next words out of her mouth were "my tummy hurts, and my head hurts, I wanna stay home with mommy" No no no we are not doing this today, it's my birthday I do not want to deal with anxiety today, plus I have to fix my taxes today (we will get to that in the next paragraph). "Come on baby girl lets have some breakfast and see if you feel better" "no mommy I don't want breakfast, I don't feel good, I want to stay home with mommy." she starts taking fast short breaths, you know the kind that doesn't let oxygen get to your brain and doesn't let you think. no no no we have to calm down, no anxiety on my birthday. "ok Baby lets go snuggle and rockabye and we will be a few minutes late for school." We snuggle we rockabye, she still won't calm down, she still says her tummy hurts. "I want to stay with you mommy, I need to stay home with you today." well mommy isn't staying home, mommy has to go to aunties and work on her taxes, I guess you can go with me and we can go to school at lunch. That worked, that calmed her down, breathing back to normal. Why is she doing this today, why is my birthday giving her anxiety? I have no clue.
We went to my sister in laws house. She has done my taxes for years, even when Dan was alive she did my taxes, we did them a couple weeks ago, no problem. Friday I got an email, that my taxes have been rejected. Uh what, thats never happened to me before in my life. The IRS isn't open on Saturday and Sunday, so on Monday after my sister in law went through my taxes again to try and find the problem (which she didn't find) we called the IRS. That's a fun thing to do on your birthday I tell you what. They are not at liberty to say what the exact problem is so I have an appointment in May to go sort it out. Awesome.
Back home I was supposed to volunteer at school that afternoon. I texted the other volunteers 'Baby Girl and I are sick can someone fill in for me?" I texted my mother in law, they were going o take me out to dinner for my birthday. 'I'm sick and feel like crap, Baby Girl had anxiety and didn't go to school, can we reschedule dinner' By this time it's 1:00 in the afternoon. Baby Girl is feeling fine and wants to watch Youtube. I told her no. she wasn't amused. it ended in her saying "well I might as well go to school then" ok. so I drove her to school at 1:30 in the afternoon. Only two hours of the school day left. It still counts as a whole absence. We pull into the parking lot and I say "are you sure you feel good enough for school, your tummy doesn't hurt anymore?" she answers with "No mommy it still hurts but it always hurts so what's it matter?" and she got out of the car. I hate that sentence, she always hurts, she always has anxiety, this is not how I want my Baby Girl to grow up, in a constant state of fear and panic.
I went home and laid on the couch and rested. I guess the answer is next year we will have a big party the weekend before but on the actual day we will find the deepest hole we can and hide out there.
I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle
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