Confidence and fear
I proceeded to tell my therapist about how fantastic she is doing. We had school conferences and everything is great, she is doing great at school. She is playing with friends, she is talking to people. She is being a normal kid. Except that last Monday she didn't go to school at all because she had a giant anxiety attack about leaving mommy. Except last night when I walked out the back door to unplug our fountain. Before I even got to the plug approximately two feet away I heard screaming from in the living room where a moment before she was peacefully watching t.v. "MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY." I came back in, I was outside in our back yard with the back door still open for literally one minute. "Baby Girl what on earth is wrong!" I perhaps used an annoyed tone. "Mommy I heard a loud noise and you weren't in here and I didn't know where you were and I was so scarred. Where were you mommy?" I was in the backyard for one minute, I didn't tell her I was going because it was one minute. She looked up and didn't see me and panicked. See fantastic and completely screwed up.
My therapist countered "That doesn't mean she's completely screwed up that means she has some real fears" ya real fears she didn't have before Dan died, she wasn't afraid of anything before Dan died. "well it's something to work on." This isn't what we wanted for her. We wanted our child to be fearless and confident. We wanted her to think she could conquer the world. This is how we were raisig her. Some days I can still see it in her. She came home from school the other day eyes shining, she told me about this project she had been working on at school and how she had done a great job on it. (I can't tell you what the project is, it's a surprise) When she started the project weeks ago she was confident in her ability to do it well, so when she came back and told me how great she did it was with an air of confidence, like she knew all along it would be great, she never doubted herself.
A little over a year ago I couldn't see the old Baby Girl at all. The fearless confident girl who could conquer the world was hiding in a deep dark pit of fear, anxiety, and panic. I had to get her out, I just had to. I made the hard decision to put my then 9 year on antidepressants. You can read about that here if you want to there-is-no-good-title-for-this It worked, it worked better then I was hoping for and all that trepidation I had about doing it melted away. I could tell by how she changed that I had made the right decision. She used those anti depressants as a ladder to climb out of the pit. It's working but shes not out yet.
Last month we had an appointment with her psychologist, we both agreed that she was climbing out of the pit so well that we could spread her ladder further apart. Meaning we decided she was doing great and we could lessen her dosage of antidepressants. I'm unsure if that was the right thing now. In the last month shes had a couple of panic attacks and a few bouts with anxiety. Then again she does that every month. So it's no worse and no better. Of course I knew lessening the antidepressants wouldn't make it better but I was aiming for not worse, which I suppose we achieved.
As always I don't know what to do now. I want my Baby Girl to be happy. I want her daddy not to be dead. I don't know if we can ever be fully happy without him, I don't know if we will ever feel complete again without him. I do know we are trying. O man we are trying so hard. Professionals tell me that this fear and anxiety thing gets less and less, I guess I believe them, it has gotten better over the last three years. She does great until I step out the back door without telling her and shes afraid something happened to me, perhaps I died too, she doesn't know.
In the before we would tuck her into bed and give her a kiss and say "I'll see you in the morning" Then one night without meaning to her daddy lied to her, he didn't see her in the morning, he didn't see her ever again. I haven't told her that since, I don't say "I'll see you in the morning" I want to see her in the morning but I can no longer promise I will, it doesn't sit right anymore, we both know it might not happen. We never talked about not saying it anymore we just both knew that phrase no longer fit us. Last night when I was tucking her into bed (going on 2 months now sleeping in her own bed, that is definitely a record, see shes doing great) I think we were both feeling pretty good because I forgot, I forgot for a second that I was unsure of keeping that promise and I said "good night I'll see you in the morning." I stopped, I realized what I had said and I immediately regretted it but it was too late. She realized what I had said too. She gave me a strange look like 'what are you doing mommy, we don't do that anymore'. I gave her a kiss and said "I love you more then anything" a phrase we also used to say with daddy, a phrase that will always be true weather I see her in the morning or not.
I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle
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