The shitty friend






A few weeks ago one of my besties asked if I could help her with a little project. An older lady she knew was moving and needed help packing. Sure I said, no big deal, I'm actually pretty good at that kind of stuff and I might even enjoy it a little. I have helped lots of friends pack for moving,  a couple of them I just kind of said "just go sit down and i'll take care of it for you." It's the kind of thing I do, random organizing projects and helping people out. The day came to help and I texted my friend "is it ok if I bail on you? I am exhausted today. I'm sorry" She said it was fine and not to worry about it,  I believe her exact words were "don't give it another thought" she understood. Well at least one of us understood but it wasn't me. I gave it another thought anyway, I felt like a shitty friend. I don't bail on people, thats not who I am, it's not in my character.

That's not who I WAS.  All those things abut me that  I just described in the first paragraph are all things I was three years ago. It is not who I am now. I had this big life altering thing happen where my soul mate died right in front of me. Apparently that changes people. It seems to have sucked all the physical energy out of me. I just can't do it anymore. I used to make fun of my friend because while I was zooming around town doing 4 different things a day she had a very strict one activity a day rule. It seems like know we have traded positions. All I can handle is one thing a day, more then that flattens me. If it is a big activity I can not do anything the next day. I'm just too tired.

When we moved out of our old house and into our new one, it was pretty traumatic, It was just over a year after Dan died and I didn't even feel like I had enough energy to get out of bed. It was extremely hard for me to pack everything up by myself. So I didn't, friend after friend came over and helped me. They just showed up out of the woodwork.  The day of the actual move I didn't lift a single box. My friend strapped her infant to me and said my only job was to hold the baby all day. So thats what I did. I didn't have it in me to do anything else.

One of my besties has a child exactly nine months younger then Baby Girl. I like to tease them that they came to the hospital to meet Baby Girl and she was so perfect they wanted one of their own. (your welcome guys, I did that for you!) This child's entire life I was the go to baby sitter, I watched him almost everyday. He has some special needs and takes more work then your average child but I was up for it.  I haven't babysat him in three years. she hasn't asked, she knows I'm not up to it. I don't have the energy anymore, I can't do stuff like that anymore. Dan died and three years later I still can't do the things I used to.

I went to therapy today and told my therapist I felt like a shitty friend, she highly disagreed so I told her my reasons why, the same reasons I just listed. "I didn't used to be this way, I used to be a good friend, it's been three years and I'm still not back to how I used to be." Then she told me something that I know is true and have probably known all along but the stubbornness in me won't accept it. "your never going to be" she said "You are never going to be the person you were, there is no way, your husband died, you had severe trauma, of course it's changed you." Yes I agree I am changed, I am not the same, but that makes me a shitty friend. I used to be a really good friend, I used to help people all the time but I just can't do it anymore because Dan died. How is that related? Everything is related to grief, it affects everything.

"Where does all your energy go then?" my therapist continued; I think she was trying to make a point. "all my energy goes to keeping Baby Girl and I going. It takes every single drop I have" she made her point, that is what I should be doing with my energy. It's ok she said, I help people in different ways now. So I don't have the physical energy to babysit and pack houses, but I write, I never used to do that before. My writing has helped people. "Ya" I said "But it doesn't help my friend who needs a babysitter for her special needs child" My therapist told me to go home and blog about it.

 I came home and I texted my bestie 'I'm sorry I'm a shitty friend' she basically said what the hell are you talking about crazy. So I told her about my conversation in therapy.  This was her reply "I know you don't have the same energy. "That" is not your life anymore. I don't hold that against you. That would be dumb." Man she is like the best friend ever, she summed it up perfectly. Then we decided that we could blame Dan for it, that made us all feel better.

 My whole life of "after" as in after Dan died is different then the life I had in the "before" It will never be the same. It reminds me of those lines from the musical wicked Glinda is trying to tell Elphaba that she can still get her dream. Elphaba replies "But I don't want it -NO- I can't want it anymore."

I wrote a book about my grief, You can read it here: Carry on Castle

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