Pissed off at God (still)




I was in therapy a couple weeks ago (last week got cancelled due to snow) We got on the topic of God; which I have been ignoring but not avoiding and she hadn't brought up in quite some time. "We haven't talked about that in quite awhile" she said. "I got nothing new to say" I told her. So then we talked about that. Then she told me maybe I should blog about it. That is often her answer when there is no real answer. Blog about it. I can't discuss it with my husband because he's dead so instead I blog about it.

In case you haven't read my other blogs I will summarize for you. I am royally pissed off at God that Dan died. This bothers me because I don't want to be pissed off at God. God and I have had a really good relationship my whole life. Dan and I both went to Bible College, Dan went on to go to Seminary.  He wanted a masters in counseling and a masters of divinity (thats a fancy word that basically means religion) His dream job was to be a half time counselor half time pastor.  Most of our lives we were the people that were at church early setting up and leaving late. I tell you this because I want you to understand that we were all in. God was our thing.

Then Dan died. Just died. There are no answers, there is one extremely lame explanation; a siezure. People don't die of seizures. People don't die of seizures when they've only had a handful of them in their entire lives. People don't die of seizures when they are so small like this one was. People don't die of seizures when their medication is 99.9% effective. .1%, why did Dan have to be the .1%? Why did he have to be the reason they make the warning labels?

I think that is the number one reason I am pissed at God. That Dan had a siezure at all. I have more reasons though; the paramedics were there, they were doing CPR, they were shocking his heart. There's no reason why it shouldn't have worked, I don't understand why God didn't just let it work. I prayed, I prayed harder then I ever have in my entire life. It didn't work either.

 I had a really long talk with a fellow widower last night. I had a really important question; How are you not totally pissed off at God that your spouse died? Because he's not and I just don't understand. We talked a lot of theology, which I really haven't done since Dan died. It made me really miss him. He made a lot of really good points. God didn't want Dan to die either, but there is all this important stuff like free will, the fall, we live in a broken and corrupt world and death is a pat of that. God didn't want Jesus to die either but again with the free will, and fall, and broken and corrupt world. I know all this. My brain knows all this. I know that God doesn't always answer prayer the way we want or think. I know bad things happen to good people (case in point). I just didn't want them to happen to me.

I read somewhere after Dan died that it takes the average widow three years to go back to church, to not be mad at God anymore. Ok I'll wait it out I thought. I can wait it out. Dan always said I was stubborn. It's been three years, nothings changed. I think I had in my head much like I did at the one year anniversary of Dan's death. If I can wait it out one year, I will feel better, everything will magically be better. That, in case you didn't know is a ginormous lie. It doesn't work like that. Still I thought the same with God, I gave Him three years, it doesn't work like that with Him either.

So now what? God and I are at an impasse I guess. I'm still pissed off at God for letting Dan die. I'm still pissed off at Dan for dying. Dan didn't want to die, I know that, I know that with every fiber of my being, given the choice he would have chose us. I'm pissed off at him anyway. The heart and the brain do not agree as much as we like to think they do. It's the same with God, I know in my brain the theology, I know I'm just a tiny human being and I can't see the big picture. I know about free will and the fall and the broken and corrupt world we live in. I know I need to have faith and trust. My brain knows, my heart just misses my husband with every beat it takes and that is so hard to compete with logic.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

Comments

  1. tmmvolMarch 1, 2018 at 1:47 PM

    Ohhhh, Jenny. I feel this way, so much. And it hurts so much to continually scream at God -- WHY?????? Why him? Your whole last paragraph, I just need to change Dan/husband, to Mitchell/son, but you have summed up how I feel, daily, for 2 1/2 years now. Thank you for your honesty. Please know you are not alone.

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