pre mature labor
This is a little off the grief topic today, but it is still about Dan and I and of course Baby Girl. When I was 30 weeks pregnant with Baby Girl I went into pre term labor. It was terrifing, in fact the second most terrifing thing I have ever encounterd in my life. I was going through Dan's writings today and I came across the days we were in the hospital trying very hard to NOT have a baby. I was on so much medication that I don't remember most of it. Dan however, wrote it all down. Thats what he did, we were a partnership, when I was too weak to remember he did it for me. I wanted to share with you some of his writings from that time. Some of them he wrote from the perspective of the Baby wich he liked to call Fudgie before we settled on a name for her.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
I made up for the non-kicking the other day; i kicked so hard that i literally made mom sit up and take notice. I wish dad had been looking, he would have actually seen the kick (I love doing that, they get such a 'kick' out of it). I practiced looking around some more yesterday-having unfused eyelids is great. I like looking around right now, there's no judgement, no self-consciesness (which is good cause i'm lying around naked), all those things will come though I guess. how long do you think I have until I have to deal with that? 11 years? 13 years tops. I think i'll make it though--mom and dad believe very strongly in helping me become my own person, secure in myself and what not. I need to practice more kicks now, see you all in 2 and a half months!
Monday, March 12, 2007
so around 11:30 pm last sunday mom had a stomache ache, or so she thought. turns out I was on my way out! dad woke up around 2:00 am because he could hear her crying downstairs (she had gone down there to watch t.v. cause she couldn't sleep). he called the advice nurse and she said to get in to the hospital because I was gonna pop out. they gave both of us some drugs (mine were designed to pump me up if I did pop out, mom's were to slow her down so I wouldn't. Then we got a ride to another hospital via ambulance cause they are better able to handle naughty premies like me. as of right now though, the womb is my only view and the uterus won't leave me alone (which means the docs won;t leave mom alone. what a night.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
We're past most of the shaking and puking part and into the full blown depression part. the mag continues to be the only thing that works. we're at a full 32 weeks today, so it looks like two more weeks of hospitals beds, luke warm food, midnight vitals, and various needles here and there. plus some of us have to drive the dreaded highway 26. I stopped letting fudgie post on here because I don't want her to see the type of words i'm tempted to use.
I may have already posted this, but then again it may have been one of those posts that just end in an error message. one of the maxims I have for life is that people can deal with just about any "what" if they have a good "why." now life has decided to challenge me on my little maxim. I don't think any of this has a purpose, per say; I mean, I don't think God decided to throw us this challenge as a teaching moment. I do think there are things to learn from it though. perhaps we are getting our first taste of what it means to sacrifice for your child. I know I am being taught how to be a better husband. what does this mean for fudgie? I think in years to come, when she is feeling weak, I can remind her of how strong she was; so strong that her mom's body thought she could leave early. I think we are also getting a lesson in faith. to put it simply, I don't know what we are going to do. there is no way that I can relay on my own wisdom or that of any human in this, human wisdom won't tell me how to deal with this. I have no choice but to turn to YHWH in this. how amazing that the Lord of Hosts (that means He rules massive armies) is also the God of comfort. For those of you that pray, please pray for Jenny. she needs encouragement so very badly. Pray for her courage and her resolve to see this through. she is dealing with feelings of guilt, first because she thought she caused this and second because she wants it to end so bad and just get it over with. pray that God will block these lies from her mind and heart. we give thanks that our daughter seems to be doing really well tucked inside that uterus. her heart rate is good and her movements are regular. she grows about an ounce a day. pray for me, for clarity and wisdom to deal with the rest of life. money, insurance, school, work, internship; everything is effected.
the doctor presented some decisions to us today--hard, hard decisions. my God, what do I do? this is too much. my wife has carried such a burden for so long and I haven't been able to save her from it. now my daughter, my first, my beautiful, my tiny, fragile daughter will be asked to carry a burden that I cannot rescue her from. in my first moments of fatherhood I will be rendered helpless. what do I do?
Friday, March 16, 2007
fudgie shall be feeling less drugged soon, because the drugs are loosing their potency. Jenny will go back on a drug they tried earlier, hopefully this time it will take, though I don't really think it will. so, everyone ready? here comes fudgie. we spent hours researching last night, and talked to several doctors and a nurse practitioner about what was coming, the various decisions we would be facing. now we have faced some of them.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
we spent hours, i should say that again to emphasize just how many, we spent hours researching, discussing with doctors and nurses, discussing with each other, contemplating, so on and so on what the future holds for us and for our daughter. we got second opinions, we even got a third opinion but it wasn't helpful. what it all comes down to is that mom is off the magneseum. she is taking tributiline (that's probably spelled wrong) in place of the magneseum. it's not as strong, and if the contractions break through it then we will let fudgie make her way into the breathing world. yesterday was hard, today seems to be better. Jenny remains in the hospital for now. maybe tomorrow i'll let fudgie post again tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
jenny is finally home (which means that I am finally home too, not that that matters so much). and Fudgie is still tucked safely inside the womb. she is still on bed rest, which I fear is gradually driving her insane. there is no shortage of people who want to babysit her all day, which is all well and good until a babysitter decides she knows how things should be better than we do and my poor invalid wife is too bedridden to stop it, but enough of that. she hasn't really felt any contractions for awhile, this new medication seems to be working. meanwhile, in the life of fudgie, her lungs continue to develop and she continues to grow about an ounce a day. she kicks all the bloody time; her heart rate is a little fast with this med, but she seems to be doing ok. chances are she is actually a little more developed than most babies her age because the contractions forced her development along (not to mention a bit of steriods from the doc). it's good to be home.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
fudgie's head is too big. don't panic, I don't mean that as a medical problem, i just mean that right now her head is disproportionate to her body because at this stage her brain is growing rapidly and the skull bones are not fused so it can just keep pushing out. that's good, i want a smart baby. i have real influence over her smarts you know. mirrors and mobiles and reading to her every night, even at this age, and touch-it will be her most senstive, um, sense, when she is born. all of those things influnce her ability to learn.
she was being naughty last night. mom couldn't sleep at all because of the kicks; this seems to be a recurring theme. Fudgie grew about an inch in the last four days, making her about a foot long and almost four pounds. simply growing is the biggest task ahead of her right now. hopefully lung development is almost done, but it's hard to say. tomorrow begins week 34; while we are considerably more at peace about giving birth to a kid at this point then we were a few weeks ago, this is still pretty early, and she would have to spend a significant amount of time in the NICU. bed rest is driving mommy a little mad, so we went for a drive the other day and then I put her right back to bed. she hasn't felt any contractions (except maybe once) since we've been home, the tributiline seems to be doing its job; fudgie gets a little high on it though and goes into kicking fits sometimes.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
we saw the doc yesterday. as luck would have it, jenny's doctor is the same one that happened to be on duty at 3:00am that infamous day not so long ago. she was very surprised to see us, actually, she was banking that we would have had the kid by now. but as the good (but oh so humorless) docs at providence told us, jenny is just one of those special people that can handle the magneseum really well and two weeks on it seemed to do the job. Today is the completion of 34 weeks, a major milestone as far as lung development as well as some of those lesser known organs, like the liver. one major problem at this point should she pop out would be her inability to regulate her body temperature; that's right, right now my daughter is cold blooded, like a lizard. it's funny how people talk about her like she's a pet or something. i mean, people like to look at my cats and say "she was thinking...." or "he's just saying...." and the whole time i'm thinking 'of course he's not, he's a cat.' well, it's kinda the same thing with this kid. "she's saying 'keep me in there a little longer mommy.'" of course she's not saying that. if anything she's probably saying "why the hell am i upside down?" not that my kid talks like that. i don't know really why it bugs me so much--it feels like people are trying to take away her individuality and attach theirs to her. (inevitably she always "speaks" exactly the same way the person telling us about it speaks). i'm very sensitive about that, people trying to put their words, or for that matter their opinions and their methods on us and her. i don't mind observations and personal opinion, but she's not your (that's the universal 'your') kid. alright, enough ranting.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
poor mommy, she isn't sleeping that good these days. up about once an hour.....if only she wouldn't stand on the bladder. plus, a lot of things hurt, things you didn't think could hurt like that, things you didn't even know you had; or at least that's what it looks like to me. you know someone is getting kicked hard when you can see the blankets on top of her move. sometimes it's good to be a guy. of course, I end up being awake quite a bit too, which makes my tolerance/therapy skills somewhat poor at work. it's hard to be empathic with only a few hours of sleep.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
fudgie is growing big these days. she's big enough that she's getting rather squished in there and doesn't have enough room to kick quite as much. it's a welcome reprive before things get all icky again (head dropping lower, squished bladders, and so on). so right now she's busy trying to get fat, it's the fat layers that help her regulate her body temperature. she's also working on getting that central nervous system in gear. tonight we go on a tour of the hospital (cause gee wiz we don't know what it's like to be in one of those); friday is a big day, after friday we most likely are out of NICU territory and can deliver at kaiser (a mixed blessing i guess).
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
I was talking to Fudgie last night. she can most assuredly hear me, her sense of hearing is fully developed now. I told my daughter I loved her, and she heard me say it. wow. everybody sit back and share this moment with me ..................................
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..............sniff..........................................................................
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GROWING KIDS GOD'S WAY
ok, so I know that some of you like that book, the 'growing kids god's way' one, but I think it's a little presumptuous to boldly proclaim that you have discovered THE way that God wants you to raise kids. besides, the book isn't that good. it assumes that the highest goal is obedience, and it certainly is not. if i wanted my daughter to be an obedient conformist then there you go, this is the way to do it; of course i'll have to alienate her and make her afraid of me and God in the process. but if i want her to grow up respecting me and God, knowing us, and appreciating HIS grace (i don't actually equate myself with God, in case it was sounding like that) then i will raise her as an individual, not according to an instruction manual. children must become individuals, they MUST reject certain parts of what we teach them or they will never truly grasp or believe anything---i can not carry my children to heaven, i can not make them good people. the best i can do is teach them how to think and model the behavior i hope they show. i can show Christianity for what it is, a relationship with Christ, not behaviorist manifesto. pursue, love, and enjoy your kids. MODEL FOR THEM! be consistent. let them be who they will be. if they don't choose it for themselves than they have never really chosen it. that came out way harsher than i thought it would. guess i really don't like that book.
Friday, April 06, 2007
in the mean time, life becomes more difficult for mom, or more specifically mobility and overal pain are becoming bigger factors. she's on bedrest anyway, but what little movement she is allowed to do is difficult. this is of course normal at this stage, except that it's exacerbated by this whole high risk thing (she hurts more than she should). I have to say, with all that she's been through, with how well she has taken it and kept on going, with all that she has had to put up with emotionally and physically, mommy kicks ass. big time.
Monday, April 09, 2007
it's weird loving someone who isn't even born yet. we use that "love" word so often. what does it mean to love someone? I think I have figured it out when it comes to loving someone the way I love jenny, that is, I know what it means to love her. I haven't had so much practice loving my daughter. how do i do it? so i was thinking about that love passage in first corinthians 13. people usually use it at weddings, which i think would amuse Paul (the dude that wrote it) to no end. i think it applies here too. Love is patient (it lets her try and try again, until she can do it on her own, it knows that because she is little, it takes longer) Love is kind. (it treats her as an individual, with needs and desires all her own, it treats her with respect) Love is not jealous (it keeps the parents from trying to live through her, it is genuinely proud when she can do better than then) or boastful or proud or rude (it doesn't hold over her head that the parents can do more than she can or are better at things than she is) It does not demand its own way. (it gives her choices and honors those choices, it is not so insecure that it can not be democratic) It is not irritable, (it doesn't take out a bad day on her) and it keeps no record of being wronged. (when mistakes are taken care of, it doesn't bring them up again, it avoids the phrase 'you always') It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. (it i is always on her side, no matter who she is up against) Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (she is always my daughter, no matter happens, it always expects her to do well and believes in who she is, it always pursues and enjoys her).
I was just thinking about that.
Friday, April 20, 2007
We've been married for eight flipping years, together for 10 and known each other for 11. it's good. We have come to know each other in different ways and in different stages of life. I remember when we first got married, thinking of how people say that they love someone more and more every year; I really didn't understand how that was possible. how do you love someone more, when you already love them with all of your being? but it happened. every year we love each other more and more and I still don't fully get how it's possible (dry your eyes you saps). now, I don't understand how it will be possible to love two people like that. how can I do that? I feel sometimes as if the very idea will tear me apart, but I am not afraid of it. I believe than it can happen, that it will happen. how does one love someone that is not even born yet? does it make sense to laugh with, talk to, and cry over someone you really haven't even met? but that has happened to. I hate being an adult; I really, really do. but you have to be one to be a good parent, and I love (and fear) the idea of being a parent.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
jenny went for her regular weekly check up yesterday. nothing has really changed with Fudgie, though things seem to be getting a little whacky with Jenny. her blood pressure was elevated plus there was some stuff in her system that shouldn't be there, so the doc was worried about preeclampsia, so we spent a good part of the day hanging out at the hospital. well, i hung out, jenny got monitored.....again. plus a blood draw and, well, how many cups can you expect a person to pee in? jenny has naturally very low blood pressure, so her having elevated blood pressure represents a pretty dramatic shift. luckily this is all happening now as opposed to when we first went in to the hospital. the end result of all the waiting and testing was to send us home and check again next week to see if things got any worse. i suppose there is a chance that, if she makes it to next week, they might induce her then, if her blood pressure continues to go up.
Friday, April 27, 2007
ok, so there's 4 months of morning sickness that lasts 24/7, preterm labor, 2 weeks of magneseum, multiple scary moments, high blood pressure, and missing insurance information...what can top it all off? nothing. that's what's happening: nothing. mommy had over 24 hours of regular, fairly close together, pretty hard contractions awhile back and now....nothing. nothing has happened for days. ugg. well, i suppose (hope) we can assume that the 'nothing' doesn't effect everything, and that Fudgie is still developing. she knows jenny's voice by now, and hopefully mine too though she doesn't get to hear it as often; we do make a point of chatting every night for awhile though. her body is putting on the 'finishing touches' now, little things that are pretty well developed make little tweaks here and there.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
how is it that there can be weeks and weeks of craziness cause your kid keeps wanting to come out at the wrong time and there seems to be no way to stop it and then, when the right time finally comes, she doesn't go anywhere? mommy keeps having contractions, for hours at a time, and they are getting harder and harder. yesterday's were intense. let me say that again just to make the point. INTENSE. new things started hurting and old things started hurting in new ways. Fudgie needs to come out. she keeps getting bigger, though not very fast. from the last ultrasound we know (and I think i've said this before) that she has hair on her head; she should be losing that last of the lunago (the downy hair that babies have all over their bodies in the womb). she might still have some when she comes out, but probably not. her skin is pretty well smoothed out by now too. oh, and i think she actually did a whole sumersault in the womb yesterday. kidding. i think.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
well, it was stormy so much, but it was dark. all these last weeks, ever since every medical person has said it could happen at any time, the time I least wanted it to happen was on a wednesday night. wednesdays I go to work, and then I go to internship, so it's around a 15 hour day when all is said and done, and rather tiring too. so anyway, last wednesday I got home from internship and was doing all the "get ready for bed" types of things. around 9:30 I heard jenny call for me. now, when you have been married for nearly 8 years you begin to understand certain tones in a person's voice. this tone said "come here because something interesting/scary/awesome just happened." it was not a scared tone, but it was of such a manner that I responded quickly. the tone was appropriate, because as it turns out her sac of waters had broken. it was one of many things that made me thankful to be a guy as of late; what a mess. the phone nurse told her to lie down for half an hour and see if anything happened when she got up. something happened. we came in. there were only a few, 'normal' contractions after her water broke; it was not what we were expecting. we saw the midwife at around 12:45 am. her advice, well, her command really, was that we go to sleep and we get the show started in the morning since she wasn't having contractions. the show got started ahead of time. around 2:00 am jenny started having whopper contractions, the 'who the hell just shot me the stomach?' type of contractions. so we were awake. the contractions were coming with a fury. the nurse suggested that jenny sit in the tub so we went to do that. the tub, however, is not designed for women as far a long as she was. no one had checked to see how far along she was at this point, they were just going with what is true for most women. but then jenny has never been like most women. she sat in the tub for maybe ten minutes. she had a massive contraction in the tub (i almost climbed in with her, that would have been messy) and needed to get out. as soon as we got her out she had another one that almost made her fall down, but I caught her (she helped catch herself by skillfully using her fingernails in my back too). we made our way back to the room and told the nurse it was time for some pain meds. it took her three tries to get the i.v. in, and then jenny got a dose of something or other in the i.v. which frankly didn't seem to help much, which I was thinking at the time too but I kept telling her how much it would help and that it was going through her right then and all that jazz (Iwas going for a placebo effect). the medication would last her about an hour. we asked them to get the epidural ready as well. we were (well, I was) hoping that she would be able to walk around a little bit more the help get Baby Girl into position better, but it just wasn't gonna happen. the midwife came and checked jenny. she was at 8cm, which she got to amazingly fast. that's the good news. the bad news is that "even if we gave you the epidural it wouldn't catch up with you before you had the baby." so no epidural for mommy. around 4:30 or so she began pushing. hard, painful pushes. my job was to keep her focused, and in between contractions try and keep her from passing out. didn't I mention that this was painful? but, luckily, this part went fast too and by 5:00 Baby Girl was born. she was sticky.
there's this drug called pitosin that some of you have probably heard of. they use it to induce labor. how mean it to give it to a woman after labor? but that's what they did. they here having trouble getting her uterus to go back down and thus she was bleeding more than she should. now, when I say bleeding, I mean lots and lots of blood. think slasher movie blood. yeah. had I not already read up on that part I think I would have freaked.
the next couple of days we spent in the hospital. Baby Girl has my blood type instead of mommy's, which means (this is very summarized here) that she was more prone to high levels of billyrubin and thus nasty jaundice. because of this, after the first night they wouldn't let her stay with us, she had to stay in the nursery and get light therapy and had to have her blood drawn about twice a day.
May 7, 2007
Much to my parents dismay i have become more cranky as of late. I know why but i won't be telling them. I think its better to just let them figure it out on there own, which is very frustrating to them. I like to cry more now then when i was first born because I don't sleep as much so what else is there to do but cry. I think my parents worry about me a lot i can here them talking about me when they think i'm asleep. They say things like how they want to be good parents, and they want me to be happy and pursue my dreams. they wonder if there taking care of me right and what they can do better. My poor parents they worry to much. I'm just fine, perhaps when I learn how to talk i'll tell them so. But then it might be funner to make them wait until i'm forty or so to let them know I turned out all right.
THOUGHTS ON BEING A DAD
Ok, so I finally have a chance to write something here. I have been a dad for three weeks today. Actually, I feel like I have been a dad for
much longer, at least since Jenny went into the hospital at 30 weeks and we
were making decisions affecting Baby Girl; and in some cases I could see how those
decisions were effecting her. At any
rate, I am beginning to adopt a new mindset about things. Every thing I do, even everything I think is
now shaped by the fact that I have a child; I am in so many ways truly living
for her. I love her so much, and yet she
frustrates me a lot of the time. What is
particularly frustrating is when I am doing what she needs to have done, and
she complains about it (ie I'm cleaning poop off of her and it makes her mad so
she cries and cries). Luckily though she
is easily consolable. When I pick her up
and hold her close to my chest and speak quietly to her, she often calms down
right away.
There are so many correlations between my life as a dad and
God's life as our Father. How many times
do we cry and cry when God is doing what is good for us (cleaning the spiritual
poop off of us cause we don't know how)?
Likewise, when God holds us close and whispers in our ear, we are easily
comforted. There are so many things we
don't understand about God, and that can be frustrating for us, indeed we can
get downright angry with God when things in our lives gets confusing. But here's the thing, God is not so small as
to be able to be understood by us. He
has given us so much about Him that we can understand, but our brains just
can't take it all in. I think, as hard
as that is, it's a good thing. Do we
really want a God who we can fully explain and understand? A God like that is too small for me.
I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle
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