Sentimental and practical ash talk

Ashes sit in my house. My 36 year old husbands ashes, in a beautiful hand made urn, on a shelf in the china cabinet he bought me one Christmas. I always have the urge to point them out to people when they come over, "say hi to Dan he's right there"  "and thats Dan, you can yell at him if you want to, I do it all the time"  It serves a purpose, lets people know I'm ok talking about him, lets them know yes that pretty jar is a dead person's remains so they don't have to wonder about it. Most importantly it lets them know that I am indeed a crazy widow.

Next to it in a smaller hand made urn are more of his ashes. This urn was made specifically with Baby Girl in mind. It is filled with her daddy's ashes so when she's older she can do whatever she wants with them. Take them with her to college, put them on the mantel of her new house, bury them in a cemetery and put up a head stone, peacefully spread them in her favorite place, or throw it against the cement in a rage of anger so the urn breaks into a million pieces and his ashes fly everywhere. She can do that if she wants, she can do whatever she wants.

At my in-laws house is another handmade urn with some of his ashes in it. They can do whatever they want with it as well. It appears they like it on their living room shelf. When they made a memorial garden for him in their backyard we sprinkled some ashes around the flowers. Then we placed another very small jar in the garden.

I gave some small jars of ashes to other family members. They can likewise do what they want.

On the anniversary of our first date I sprinkled some ashes in the park we had said date at. On the very rock I stood on as we had our first kiss.

I sprinkled ashes at the church camp where we meet when I was just 16. On the very spot I remember first seeing him.

I keep a small jar of ashes in my car. They ride around with me all the time, he still doesn't like my driving but he doesn't complain anymore.

At his family's annual beach trip we made a small sail boat out of paper, we put a small box of ashes in it, set it on fire a sailed it down the little river an into the sea. He always wanted a viking funeral.

When his work dedicated a fountain to him we spread some ashes there so he will always be at work now. 

I spread some ashes in the back yard of our old house before we moved.

I spread some ashes in the back yard of our new house when we moved.

I spread them around our old college.

I spread them off a mountain top overlooking the city where we lived during college.

I spread them along the beach and watched the wind carry them away.

We took ashes to his grandparents house in Minnesota. We spread them over his grandmothers grave. We spread them around the park he played at with Baby Girl. We spread them at the lake and in his grandparents front yard. 

I carried a small jar of ashes around with me at my sisters wedding.  He had to be there. My sister and her new husband spread some into the creek there. Then they took him on their honeymoon with them. I bet he felt uncomfortable.

When we had family pictures done I held his ashes.

I have a few more spots I want to spread his ashes, just haven't gotten there yet.

There was too much of him to keep in one spot, in one jar. He would have hated it. His life meant too much to too many people for me to keep him all to myself.  I had to spread him around, it was the only thing to do.

Some practical advice to those spreading ashes:

There is a lot of it, it is heavy, and there is plenty to go around.

There may be pieces of bone fragment with the ash. Be sure to tell your best friend who is helping you seperate them this information. Be blunt, phrasing it as "there may be bits" apparently isn't clear enough.

When pouring them into your hand and then spreading them bring something to wipe the leftover ash off with. Some people might think wiping it on your jeans is tacky, plus it tends to smear. The ever useful baby wipes work great for clean up.

If there is a rise in elevation, such as going up a mountain, the ashes will compact together, bring something like a knife to break them up. Your finger doesn't work very well, plus then you will definitely need a baby wipe.

Stand up wind, so it doesn't blow into your face. More importantly make sure others with you such as your small child are standing up wind. If you happen to not pay attention and ashes do get in their face you can easily cover with something like "O look daddy's giving you kisses" just saying.

If you drive through a coffee shop on a spreading day, when they ask you what your doing and you are brave enough to say something like "we are going to the beach to spread my dead husband's ashes" it is likely they will give you free coffee

Be sure to let the dead one know if you are leaving ashes in their not so favorite place that it is out of love and not as a form of punishment. Unless it is a form of punishment and hey it could be both.

Keeping a jar in your purse or car is pretty handy in case you have a spur of the moment sprinkling idea. 

They float on top of water for a few minutes, it's kinda pretty. 

For me at least, it brings a weird sense of peace to have them around. Don't let the grieving person know it kinda freaks you out.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle