Carry on Castle: Living with Grief

A few weeks ago one of my besties asked if I could help her with a little project. An older lady she knew was moving and needed help packing. Sure I said, no big deal, I'm actually pretty good at that kind of stuff and I might even enjoy it a little. I have helped lots of friends pack for moving,  a couple of them I just kind of said "just go sit down and i'll take care of it for you." It's the kind of thing I do, random organizing projects and helping people out. The day came to help and I texted my friend "is it ok if I bail on you? I am exhausted today. I'm sorry" She said it was fine and not to worry about it,  I believe her exact words were "don't give it another thought" she understood. Well at least one of us understood but it wasn't me. I gave it another thought anyway, I felt like a shitty friend. I don't bail on people, thats not who I am, it's not in my character. That's not who I WAS.  All those things abut...

I was in therapy a couple weeks ago (last week got cancelled due to snow) We got on the topic of God; which I have been ignoring but not avoiding and she hadn't brought up in quite some time. "We haven't talked about that in quite awhile" she said. "I got nothing new to say" I told her. So then we talked about that. Then she told me maybe I should blog about it. That is often her answer when there is no real answer. Blog about it. I can't discuss it with my husband because he's dead so instead I blog about it. In case you haven't read my other blogs I will summarize for you. I am royally pissed off at God that Dan died. This bothers me because I don't want to be pissed off at God. God and I have had a really good relationship my whole life. Dan and I both went to Bible College, Dan went on to go to Seminary.  He wanted a masters in counseling and a masters of divinity (thats a fancy word that basically means religion) His dream job was to b...

Ashes sit in my house. My 36 year old husbands ashes, in a beautiful hand made urn, on a shelf in the china cabinet he bought me one Christmas. I always have the urge to point them out to people when they come over, "say hi to Dan he's right there"  "and thats Dan, you can yell at him if you want to, I do it all the time"  It serves a purpose, lets people know I'm ok talking about him, lets them know yes that pretty jar is a dead person's remains so they don't have to wonder about it. Most importantly it lets them know that I am indeed a crazy widow. Next to it in a smaller hand made urn are more of his ashes. This urn was made specifically with Baby Girl in mind. It is filled with her daddy's ashes so when she's older she can do whatever she wants with them. Take them with her to college, put them on the mantel of her new house, bury them in a cemetery and put up a head stone, peacefully spread them in her favorite place, or throw it aga...

It snowed today. Well really tonight. Snow in our part of the world is pretty rare, maybe once a year do we get snow. Very very rarely do we get it this late in the season, my daffodils have already started blooming. At 8 pm our neighbor banged on the door "Come play in the snow with us" I looked at the gargantuan amount of snow (like two inches) and decided we could not let this opportunity pass. Thus instead of getting ready for bed, which we normally do at this time we got bundled up and went to play in the snow. Standing in the snow freezing, watching all the neighborhood kids play, it occured to me for the 12th million time that I'm not supposed to be here. A neighborhood dad was helping his kid roll a giant snowball. Where was Dan? Midnight (or 8pm) snow romps fall under the category of his job. I'm positive he and Baby Girl would have already been out there, the neighbor wouldn't have had to come get us. I would have helped them get all bundled up, give...

Well we are in the middle of the last Harry Potter book. That is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Harry and his friends have just discovered what the Deathly Hallows are.  They are three 'gifts' so to speak given to three brothers by death himself. One is an invisibility cloak, that Can hide you from anything. Two is an unbeatable wand. Three is a resurrection stone; a stone that can bring back the dead.  Harry, Ron, and Hermione (I appreciate that Hermione is a word in spell check) are trying to decide if these artifacts really do exist and which one is the best. Hermione says obviously the best one is the invisibility cloak. Ron says the best one is the unbeatable wand. Harry says the best one is the resurrection stone. I tend to agree with Harry. A stone that could bring back the dead, I get it Harry what you wouldn't give to see your parents again. What I wouldn't give to see Dan again. Yup I would take that resurrection stone. Hermione is being very Hermione...

This is a little off the grief topic today, but it is still about Dan and I and of course Baby Girl.  When I was 30 weeks pregnant with Baby Girl I went into pre term labor. It was terrifing, in fact the second most terrifing thing I have ever encounterd in my life. I was going through Dan's writings today and I came across the days we were in the hospital trying very hard to NOT have a baby. I was on so much medication that I don't remember most of it. Dan however, wrote it all down. Thats what he did, we were a partnership, when I was too weak to remember he did it for me. I wanted to share with you some of his writings from that time. Some of them he wrote from the perspective of the Baby wich he liked to call Fudgie before we settled on a name for her. Sunday, March 04, 2007  I made up for the non-kicking the other day; i kicked so hard that i literally made mom sit up and take notice.  I wish dad had been looking, he would have actually seen the kick (I love ...

When peace like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say It is well, it is well, with my soul Honestly I think it depends on the river. Not all rivers are peaceful. When I was 15 the river in my town flooded worse than it had in 100 years. Businesses and houses were completely underwater. They cancelled school so all the high schoolers could go help fill sand bags. That river was raging, there was nothing peaceful about it. Everyone was scared and frightened. Your heart raced when you looked at it because you didn't know how bad it was going to get.  I have been to that same river on nice summer days, it looks so calm you think you could swim across it, Dan even tried once. I've stood on the banks and fed the ducks while the water gently lapped at my toes. It was a peaceful river. I was in Therapy the other day, (yup I still go to therapy, I also still have a dead husband) We were talking about the night D...

Uh soooooooooooo were getting into bed on Sunday night.  Baby Girl spent the night at her friends house on Friday and played with her all day Saturday. Sunday we stayed home from church and she played all day with the neighborhood kids. It was a pretty good weekend. Shes climbing into bed and she stops and says “mommy you know the night daddy died”  "ya?" I say warely. Only one other time in the last three years has she started a conversation with 'you know the night daddy died.' On that occurrence she told me she could here the workers (paramedics) talking, one of them sounded like her Uncle. She knew Daddy had died, she just knew. “Were me and daddy arguing?” she asks. Uhhhhhhhh well thats a tricky question. The problem being I don't remember, at all, in the slightest. It's like I blacked out between 5pm and 11pm that day. I have no recollection at all of what happened. However they rarely argued with each other, Baby Girl and I argue all the time s...