This is us
I was organizing stuff today. Specifically my dead husbands stuff. I'm not sure what I mean by organizing. I'm trying to collect it all in one spot, as opposed to a box here and a box there. I'm not sure why I'm even doing that. It was decently organized beforehand. Actually I think I know why, in my professional therapist opinion (meaning I am not a professional therapist in any way shape or form and I just say whatever random stuff pops into my head.)
I wanted a table that goes behind my couch. You know a long skinny one, to put nic nacs and plants on. (My sister in law said can't get any plants because I will just kill them. It's like she knows me.) what I ended up getting instead of a table was a book shelf. So now I have all this shelf space, except it's behind a couch so it's not very easily accessible. Then it came to me, 'o you know what would be cute, I could get some of those cute boxes at the craft store and I could put "Dan's stuff" in them and put them on the shelves.' Then it's like a hidden secret, it's there, I can get to it, but it's not there, so I don't have to look at it if I don't want to. I really have no idea what that says about my grieving process but it is what it is.
"Dan's stuff" is a myriad of random, un random things. All the cards from the funeral. Pictures from the funeral. His wallet and keys. The gloves to his punching bag. Coffee mugs that remind me of him. His old hair ties. The boy scout uniform from when he was a kid. The giant roll of butcher paper that ran the hallway of his work after he died so everyone could write messages about him (thats actually too big to go on the shelf it will have to go somewhere else) Old cards we have given each other. Also in this collection of "Dan's stuff" is wedding paraphernalia. My vacuumed sealed wedding dress (also too big for the shelf) the notebook I kept all our plans and receipts in. Cards from the wedding. I don't know why I think our wedding stuff and his funeral stuff need to go together but I do. The beginning and the end I guess, makes sense to me.
I didn't get very far in this reorganizing endeavor when I came across some old photos. They were photos of our wedding and the events leading up to it. They were photos that didn't make it into the official wedding album because we were looking sideways or otherwise goofing around. I was told this week that I can tend to be a black and white thinker, as in I'm an all or nothing kinda girl. As in I would have thrown those useless photos away, because if there not good enough to be in the album why keep them at all. I kept them because Dan would't let me get rid of them. In a lot of ways we thought quite differently. He wanted to keep those useless pictures, so I shoved them in a box, hauled them with us whenever we moved and haven't looked at them in 18 1/2 years. You know since we got them back after the wedding, in the good old days before digital cameras and computers that stored all your photos.
So today I am moving these pictures from one box to another and I decided look through them. Every single one made me smile. Every dumb look on his face, every one where my eyes are closed. They are all so precious now. priceless. We were next to each other in every photo. Happiness radiated off our faces even when you couldn't see them directly. Many of them were of us goofing off. Sticking his tongue out at me, me jumping into his arms.
The one I posted here he's covering my face with his hand. I have no idea what we were doing. I was probably saying something smart assy (what me? no?). I love this picture, I didn't know we had this picture. I look at this picture and I say "This is us" Happy, fun, goofing off smart assess. This was us in the beginning and this was us in the end. Sure we can clean up nice for things like actual wedding photos, but at our essence, this was us. One or both of us may have gained a little weight over our 15 year marriage but in essence we never changed. He is just as likely to put his hand over my face now when I'm being a smart ass as he was then. I am just as likely to lick that hand with as much slobber as I can muster, which I am almost certain happened directly after this picture was taken.
Except we don't do that now. We haven't goofed around like that in three years. It's highly likely we goofed around like that the day he died but I can't remember a specific instance. That day is only remembered in pieces.
Dan is going to love this next sentence it goes something like this "ok, ok Dan you might have been right about that one" But guess what, he's not here so he doesn't know I just said he was right. He doesn't know he won this fight. Ha that will show him.
I wanted a table that goes behind my couch. You know a long skinny one, to put nic nacs and plants on. (My sister in law said can't get any plants because I will just kill them. It's like she knows me.) what I ended up getting instead of a table was a book shelf. So now I have all this shelf space, except it's behind a couch so it's not very easily accessible. Then it came to me, 'o you know what would be cute, I could get some of those cute boxes at the craft store and I could put "Dan's stuff" in them and put them on the shelves.' Then it's like a hidden secret, it's there, I can get to it, but it's not there, so I don't have to look at it if I don't want to. I really have no idea what that says about my grieving process but it is what it is.
"Dan's stuff" is a myriad of random, un random things. All the cards from the funeral. Pictures from the funeral. His wallet and keys. The gloves to his punching bag. Coffee mugs that remind me of him. His old hair ties. The boy scout uniform from when he was a kid. The giant roll of butcher paper that ran the hallway of his work after he died so everyone could write messages about him (thats actually too big to go on the shelf it will have to go somewhere else) Old cards we have given each other. Also in this collection of "Dan's stuff" is wedding paraphernalia. My vacuumed sealed wedding dress (also too big for the shelf) the notebook I kept all our plans and receipts in. Cards from the wedding. I don't know why I think our wedding stuff and his funeral stuff need to go together but I do. The beginning and the end I guess, makes sense to me.
I didn't get very far in this reorganizing endeavor when I came across some old photos. They were photos of our wedding and the events leading up to it. They were photos that didn't make it into the official wedding album because we were looking sideways or otherwise goofing around. I was told this week that I can tend to be a black and white thinker, as in I'm an all or nothing kinda girl. As in I would have thrown those useless photos away, because if there not good enough to be in the album why keep them at all. I kept them because Dan would't let me get rid of them. In a lot of ways we thought quite differently. He wanted to keep those useless pictures, so I shoved them in a box, hauled them with us whenever we moved and haven't looked at them in 18 1/2 years. You know since we got them back after the wedding, in the good old days before digital cameras and computers that stored all your photos.
So today I am moving these pictures from one box to another and I decided look through them. Every single one made me smile. Every dumb look on his face, every one where my eyes are closed. They are all so precious now. priceless. We were next to each other in every photo. Happiness radiated off our faces even when you couldn't see them directly. Many of them were of us goofing off. Sticking his tongue out at me, me jumping into his arms.
The one I posted here he's covering my face with his hand. I have no idea what we were doing. I was probably saying something smart assy (what me? no?). I love this picture, I didn't know we had this picture. I look at this picture and I say "This is us" Happy, fun, goofing off smart assess. This was us in the beginning and this was us in the end. Sure we can clean up nice for things like actual wedding photos, but at our essence, this was us. One or both of us may have gained a little weight over our 15 year marriage but in essence we never changed. He is just as likely to put his hand over my face now when I'm being a smart ass as he was then. I am just as likely to lick that hand with as much slobber as I can muster, which I am almost certain happened directly after this picture was taken.
Except we don't do that now. We haven't goofed around like that in three years. It's highly likely we goofed around like that the day he died but I can't remember a specific instance. That day is only remembered in pieces.
Dan is going to love this next sentence it goes something like this "ok, ok Dan you might have been right about that one" But guess what, he's not here so he doesn't know I just said he was right. He doesn't know he won this fight. Ha that will show him.
So glad you listened to him and hauled that box around with you! So sweet to find those memories. Thank you for sharing them
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