Spoiler alert: Dumbledore dies

It is possible that my ten year old was the only person in the world that didn't know Dumbledore dies. Even if you have never read the books or seen the movies you know Dumbledore dies. News like that can't be contained. Even my dad who never reads or watches movies knew that Dumbledore dies.  Baby Girl didn't know, I didn't want her to know, I knew it was coming and I didn't tell her. Not sure what that says about me; I didn't want to ruin a great story, I couldn't bear to tell her one more thing she loved had died, either way she didn't know.

So we've been reading Harry Potter; one because its one of the greatest stories ever written, two because there are dead people everywhere and my kid can relate to that kind of intense grief. It sucks that she can but she can. 

Like all of us she fell in love with Sirius when he entered the scene in the third book. I knew he was going to die too and I didn't tell her.  When he did die in the fifth book, it went about how I expected, maybe even a little easier then I expected. After all Sirius was the only father type figure Harry knew and he was just gone like that.  I thought she would relate.  "Nooooooooooooooooooo" she screamed as Sirius fell through the veil. Shock and disbelief "no mommy Sirius can't be dead no." But he was and we kept reading, she wanted to know what happened next.

One small book later and Dumbledore is dead too. I knew it was going to be bad, I mean it's Dumbledore. It did not help any that we happened to get to that seen only a day or two after the anniversary of Dan's death.  Avada kedavra. That's all it took. Two little words to kill the greatest wizard of all time.  Immediate screams came out of Baby Girls lips, groans of pain, tears streaming down her face.  "aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh no no no not Dumbledore. nooooooooo"  I stopped reading. It was time to take a break.  "Gimmie the book, mommy, give me the book"  she throws the book across the room and slams herself on to the bed, crying uncontrollably. Full of rage she starts throwing all the stuffed animals around her. Still sobbing she can't stop.  This is deep deep grief, this is what it looks like.

The awful night three years ago when I woke a seven year old up in the middle of the night. I sat her on my lap on the couch, aunties and grandparents surrounded us. I don't remember how I started but I ended with "Daddy died." I think I said something about him going to heaven and how when she was an old old grandma she could go to heaven and see him but that we wouldn't get to see him until then. There were no screams, no yells of no, no raging, no throwing things. That would all come later. I can tell you what pure and utter shock looks like on a seven year old, it's etched in my mind. Her bright blue eyes full of life went blank and one single solitary tear fell out of her left eye onto he cheek.

She went to school the day after Dumbledore died and told her teacher what had happened. Crushed she was looking for someone who understood. I wasn't there but I imagine her teacher said something like 'oh Dumbledore, isn't that just the worst'"  I'm pretty sure Baby Girl has never told this teacher that her daddy died.

We went to Therapy and told MTD that Dumbledore died.  "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, man, that hurts, isn't that just awful when Dumbledore dies" Baby girl agreed and actually talked for awhile about how it was so unfair and how Dumbledore was so good. How he had been with Harry since the beginning and what was Harry going to do now.  We talked a lot about the pain of losing Dumbledore that day. We didn't talk about daddy, or did we?

Everyone she has seen in the last week she has been compelled to tell them that Dumbledore dies. It's a good thing they all already know or she would be spoiling a great story. She wants to talk about it, she wants to process it. She wants to try and understand.  She can't do it with daddy but maybe she can do it with Dumbledore.

We had to take a break from reading Harry Potter. Dumbledore's death was too much. When we picked it back up a few days later we still had The days after his death and the funeral to get through.  Harry had to tell almost everyone that Dumbledore was dead. I can relate It was agonizing. I stopped in the middle of reading and said "I don't know if I can keep reading tonight Baby Girl this is so hard"  If you ever want a incredibly accurate description of grief  read the last few chapters of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.  Baby Girl replied "I know mommy but keep reading" ok

We just started book seven. In case you don't know this one another beloved character, Hedwig, dies at the very beginning. It too is harsh and random and unfair. We pause for a moment and take a breath but then we keep reading.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle