Happy and Sad
Home. We are home. Baby Girl was so happy to see her kitties that she actually cried. We were only gone four days, really it was more like three. We were in one of favorite spots in the world the beach, but we are still glad to be home.
We went to the beach to run away. It is our new tradition now, we run away to the beach on the days surrounding January 12. Because if you have to remember the worst day of your life, it's better to do it at the beach then at home. That's the theory anyway. It seems to be working. Baby Girl, myself, and Dan's parents went to the beach. The weather was perfect, especially for January, it was unusually warm and felt much more like late spring. We didn't even use our coats. We had a nice time? Yes thats a question. It was nice, I'm glad we went, we went to remember the day Dan, my soul mate, Baby Girls daddy, his parents beloved son died. Can you have a nice time doing that?
We played on the beach, We stared at the ocean from our hotel room, we went shopping, we swam in the hotel pool, we went out to eat, we tried to relax. Tried is the key word here. Tried to relax when there's tension in the air because you know it's been three years to the day that you've been missing him. Trying to relax as your laughing and giggling but at the same time knowing that at any moment you are going to burst into tears.
Baby Girl was not relaxed. Baby Girl has had some really high anxiety the last couple weeks. Her body knows, her brain knows, they don't always know how to deal with it though. She generally deals with it in extreme clinginess. It's not that she won't leave my side, it's more like she can't leave my side. She's afraid to. She had grandma and grandpa and aunties and uncles all weekend, arguably her favorite people in the world, the ones she feels safest with. Still she couldn't let mommy out of her sight, she just couldn't. I get it, the last time she let daddy out of her sight he died. Shes not about to let mommy do that too.
The days surrounding the 12 could also be known as spoil Baby Girl rotten days. Maybe we should rename it that instead of it having no name deathaversery not something you bring up in polite company, much better to say you spoil your child rotten. That's what we do, thats what I do. I think it is a combination of I just don't care (as in I don't care about making sound decisions with money this time of year) and I also have extreme guilt that her daddy died and will do just about anything to make her smile for even 5 seconds. Especially on the 12th of January. Thus this year at the beach we bought one of those fancy wooden doll houses. Then we spent the weekend putting in 'wallpaper' hanging curtains and building furniture. She really liked it. I got way more than 5 seconds of smiles. It was worth it. Now her dollies have a home. (and a bathtub in the backyard because the bathroom wasn't big enough.)
As we were leaving Dan's mom asked me if this was a good idea still. The whole going to one of your favorite places to remember your least favorite day. I get what she means, are you happy because you are at the beach or are you sad because Dan died. You don't know what to be, but then I feel like that most days now. I am happy because I am loved so well, all in all I have a really good life. I am beyond sad every day that my soul mate is no longer here to share it with me. "We can be both" I told his mom as we were leaving. I wish I could take credit as that being an original thought but I can't. Much wiser people than I have been trying to get me to understand that for three years now. Happy and Sad; we can be both at the same time.
We went to the beach to run away. It is our new tradition now, we run away to the beach on the days surrounding January 12. Because if you have to remember the worst day of your life, it's better to do it at the beach then at home. That's the theory anyway. It seems to be working. Baby Girl, myself, and Dan's parents went to the beach. The weather was perfect, especially for January, it was unusually warm and felt much more like late spring. We didn't even use our coats. We had a nice time? Yes thats a question. It was nice, I'm glad we went, we went to remember the day Dan, my soul mate, Baby Girls daddy, his parents beloved son died. Can you have a nice time doing that?
We played on the beach, We stared at the ocean from our hotel room, we went shopping, we swam in the hotel pool, we went out to eat, we tried to relax. Tried is the key word here. Tried to relax when there's tension in the air because you know it's been three years to the day that you've been missing him. Trying to relax as your laughing and giggling but at the same time knowing that at any moment you are going to burst into tears.
Baby Girl was not relaxed. Baby Girl has had some really high anxiety the last couple weeks. Her body knows, her brain knows, they don't always know how to deal with it though. She generally deals with it in extreme clinginess. It's not that she won't leave my side, it's more like she can't leave my side. She's afraid to. She had grandma and grandpa and aunties and uncles all weekend, arguably her favorite people in the world, the ones she feels safest with. Still she couldn't let mommy out of her sight, she just couldn't. I get it, the last time she let daddy out of her sight he died. Shes not about to let mommy do that too.
The days surrounding the 12 could also be known as spoil Baby Girl rotten days. Maybe we should rename it that instead of it having no name deathaversery not something you bring up in polite company, much better to say you spoil your child rotten. That's what we do, thats what I do. I think it is a combination of I just don't care (as in I don't care about making sound decisions with money this time of year) and I also have extreme guilt that her daddy died and will do just about anything to make her smile for even 5 seconds. Especially on the 12th of January. Thus this year at the beach we bought one of those fancy wooden doll houses. Then we spent the weekend putting in 'wallpaper' hanging curtains and building furniture. She really liked it. I got way more than 5 seconds of smiles. It was worth it. Now her dollies have a home. (and a bathtub in the backyard because the bathroom wasn't big enough.)
As we were leaving Dan's mom asked me if this was a good idea still. The whole going to one of your favorite places to remember your least favorite day. I get what she means, are you happy because you are at the beach or are you sad because Dan died. You don't know what to be, but then I feel like that most days now. I am happy because I am loved so well, all in all I have a really good life. I am beyond sad every day that my soul mate is no longer here to share it with me. "We can be both" I told his mom as we were leaving. I wish I could take credit as that being an original thought but I can't. Much wiser people than I have been trying to get me to understand that for three years now. Happy and Sad; we can be both at the same time.
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