Carry on Castle: Living with Grief

I was organizing stuff today.  Specifically my dead husbands stuff.  I'm not sure what I mean by organizing. I'm trying to collect it all in one spot, as opposed to a box here and a box there. I'm not sure why I'm even doing that. It was decently organized beforehand.  Actually I think I know why, in my professional therapist opinion (meaning I am not a professional therapist in any way shape or form and I just say whatever random stuff pops into my head.)  I wanted a table that goes behind my couch. You know a long skinny one, to put nic nacs and plants on. (My sister in law said  can't get any plants because I will just kill them. It's like she knows me.) what I ended up getting instead of a table was a book shelf.  So now I have all this shelf space, except it's behind a couch so it's not very easily accessible.  Then it came to me, 'o you know what would be cute, I could get some of those cute boxes at the craft store and I could put "Dan...

It is possible that my ten year old was the only person in the world that didn't know Dumbledore dies. Even if you have never read the books or seen the movies you know Dumbledore dies. News like that can't be contained. Even my dad who never reads or watches movies knew that Dumbledore dies.  Baby Girl didn't know, I didn't want her to know, I knew it was coming and I didn't tell her. Not sure what that says about me; I didn't want to ruin a great story, I couldn't bear to tell her one more thing she loved had died, either way she didn't know. So we've been reading Harry Potter; one because its one of the greatest stories ever written, two because there are dead people everywhere and my kid can relate to that kind of intense grief. It sucks that she can but she can.  Like all of us she fell in love with Sirius when he entered the scene in the third book. I knew he was going to die too and I didn't tell her.  When he did die in the fifth book...

Our first home together was an apartment.  The first place we lived as Man and Wife. Newlywed bliss seeped through the walls of that home. The sun shone through the windows so brightly.  Hope was everywhere. Young love, so cute it was sickening. We made that tiny space a beautiful home. Barely old enough to be married, our whole lives were just beginning in that home. Love bloomed in that home. Then our home was a run down trailer in a run down trailer park.  That home was a pit. We hated living there, we loved being together. We turned the pit into a home, we spent lots of time studding in that home, writing papers, preparing for our careers. The walls were so thin the heat never stayed in, it was ok though, it meant more cuddling together.  Love survived in that home We moved out of the pit and into a real apartment.  It felt huge in comparison. Great times with friends abounded in that home. We laughed and laughed at each other in that home. We both gradu...

Home. We are home. Baby Girl was so happy to see her kitties that she actually cried. We were only gone four days, really it was more like three. We were in one of favorite spots in the world the beach, but we are still glad to be home. We went to the beach to run away. It is our new tradition now, we run away to the beach on the days surrounding January 12. Because if you have to remember the worst day of your life, it's better to do it at the beach then at home. That's the theory anyway. It seems to be working. Baby Girl, myself, and Dan's parents went to the beach.  The weather was perfect, especially for January, it was unusually warm and felt much more like late spring. We didn't even use our coats.  We had a nice time? Yes thats a question. It was nice, I'm glad we went, we went to remember the day Dan, my soul mate, Baby Girls daddy, his parents beloved son died. Can you have a nice time doing that? We played on the beach, We stared at the ocean from our ...

The Holidays are over. Everyone is supposed to be relieved, especially widows. We made it. Got through one more holiday season without our loves. The new year is here. Start fresh. I guess I'm glad the holidays are over. All things considered they were the best holidays we've had so far without Dan. They were still without Dan though. We still missed him with every breath.  We had a great time with friends and family, we missed Dan, we do both every day. I took down all our Christmas decorations. We have a ton and it's about half of what we used to have. I cut it back trying to make it easier on myself. It was all boxed up and put away by new years day.  My friend came over and was impressed that I got it down so quickly.  You see I used to be that person. The crazy holiday person, I would insist that all decorations stay up through New Years and I wasn't really in a hurry to take them down even after that. Enjoy them as long as possible.  Dan and I would sit on ...

We've reached January. January is the worst month of all the months, I pretty much hate it. I had hopes that I wouldn't hate it this soon but that appears to not be the case.  Baby Girl has been sleeping light and restlessly that last week or so which is unlike her. In fact my typing woke her up so I moved out to the living room. I wouldn't say that Baby Girl could sleep through anything but she is a pretty heavy sleeper. She slept through her Dad dying after all.  It's a good thing he didn't die this week I guess, she would have totally woken up. She also has had a hard time falling asleep the last couple days. Last night she told me something was wrong but she didn't know what, something didn't feel right.  The last few mornings she has woken up and said her tummy hurts.  I know this, unfortunately we have played this game before, her anxiety is getting the better of her. Yesterday, (was it yesterday? seems like longer then that)  was January 1st, 2018...