Weak
I didn't realize it but this has been a tough week. I think I spent so much energy telling myself it was ok that I didn't make any room for it not being ok. I guess really it started with last week.
Last week: I am going to be happy about Christmas damit. I am going to like Christmas again damit. I am going to put up my decorations damit. I am going to buy all the presents damit. I am going to wrap them damit. I am going to have fun doing all these things damit. I am going to make this work damit. I am going to be happy damit. I did it. I got all those things done. Some of them I did actually enjoy. Some of them I forced myself to do while I was cursing my dead husband under my breath.
Monday:
Dan's birthday. He would have been 39 if he were still alive. I don't know what it makes him since he's not. We went out to dinner with a bunch of family members. It was fine, just fine. We ate, it was almost normal, like perhaps we could just eat dinner together for fun and not because it was my dead husbands birthday. We barely even talked about him, except for comments I make which I do daily. Then we went back to his parents house, his mom got his favorite ice cream cake, Baby Girl put candles on it and we sung happy birthday and she blew them out. I don't know what she wished for, if she made wish for daddy or for herself. Then we set off fireworks, which we have done on his birthday ever since he died. The neighbor wasn't happy and yelled at us to "shut it down" Dan's six year old niece yelled back "I'll shut you down" I spit out my dink it was so funny.
Tuesday:
I went to therapy where we talked about deep stuff i'm not going to share with you. But it was deep.
Deep is always draining. I want to take a nap but I don't have time for that.
Baby Girl came home from school and said she had gotten a nose bleed. Not a big deal she has terrible terrible allergies she inherited from her dad and she tends to sniffle a lot making her nose bleed. It's the middle of December and her allergies are awful, thats frustrating.
That night I got a much needed girls night out with my besties. That was fun.
One of the besties has some pretty stressful life stuff right now. that wears on all our hearts.
Wednesday:
Baby Girl didn't get to see me the night before and is now anxious to leave me for school. She doesn't want to go. She says she doesn't feel good. We have played this game many many times since her daddy died. Anxiety likes to eat at her. I have to be the mean mom and make her go anyway.
Baby Girl gets another nose bleed after school. She has also put on her cranky pants and is making me want to rip my hair out.
We went to a family birthday party for my niece. Dan would have been so bored. I miss Dan.
Found out a family friend has stage 3 cancer. I love her. Not happy.
Found out another family friend has had two heart attacks lately. Not cool.
Thursday:
3am baby girl wakes up with another nose bleed. takes over an hour for her to fall back asleep. Hence she sleeps in, hence she misses the bus, hence I drive her to school.
Enough with these allergies already, this is ridiculous. I call the pediatrician and make an appointment for Friday morning. Maybe there's an allergy medication we haven't tried yet.
Pick Baby Girl up from school. she's had another nose bleed.
Take Baby Girl to grief therapy. She is doing really well handling her grief these days, she even talks about her daddy regularly. Make an appointment to have a parent meeting with her therapist, we will discuss lessening her therapy. This is a good thing, this is the ultimate goal, this is scary as hell on so many levels. (probably enough for another whole blog)
Friday:
Sometime in the middle of the night she gets another nose bleed.
Friday morning 20 minutes before the Dr appointment she gets another nose bleed.
Go to the Dr. Baby Girl asks the nurse if it's possible to cut off her nose. Poor Baby Girl is miserable with these allergies. The Dr. looks her over and says "well I will refer you to a specialist for the allergies but we really should take care of the ear infection AND sinus infection she has" uh what. ya lets fix that please. she's never sick. I didn't even know if shes allergic to antibiotics because she has never needed them before. Shes walking around with two infections and I didn't even notice. That makes me feel great about my parenting skills. It makes me pissed at my husband, they are his allergies. If he were here he could have said 'you know my allergies aren't that bad maybe something else is going on with her'
That was my week and I feel weak. I'm tired. I miss Dan. I hate parenting our Baby Girl all by myself. without backup, without him. People like to tell widows their strong. Let me just tell you right now I have never come across a widow who likes being called strong, including myself. Because we don't feel strong, we don't feel like we can move another step, we don't feel like we are going to make it through this miry pit of grief. It seems impossible. As I sit here right now I can not for the life of me tell you how I made it through the last two years, ten months, and three weeks. I simply don't know. It just happened in spite of everything. That in itself makes me feel weak, I don't know, I have no quotes or memes that got me through it. I don't know how I even got through this week. As I like to say and I've heard other widows say "I wasn't given a choice" That has nothing to do with strength. Whats that old saying "Some are born for greatness, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them" I think a more fitting statement is 'some are born strong, some achieve strength, and some just have grief thrust upon them."
I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle
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