Christmas ramblings






"Mommy tell me a story, a daddy story"

 "I always tell you stoires, you tell me a daddy story. Tell me a story about you and daddy going Christmas shopping for mommy"

"No I don't remember"

"Well I bet it was fun, you got to spend the whole day with daddy"  I hear sniffling in the back seat.  "I bet you went to lots of stores, and out to lunch, can you remember? Tell me about it"

"NO" she throws her toy against the seat "I don't remember ok, I don't remember Christmas shopping with Daddy I only remember Christmas shopping for you with auntie"

 Shes sobbing in the back seat as I'm driving.  It's two days before Christmas. She hasn't had a grief attack like this since summer. I just blogged about how well she is doing. 

"Talk about something else mommy"

"ok Baby Girl, ok."

Baby Girl and daddy always went Christmas shopping for me. They did it for my birthday too. It was a special daddy daughter day. I'm certian they did more playing then actual shopping but they had a great time.  She doesn't remember, or she says she doesn't remember. I hope it's hidden in there somewhere. My worst fear is that she will forget her daddy.

I made her a book for Christmas. Each page is a picture of her and daddy with a little paragraph telling the story of that picture. I hope she likes it. I hope her little heart is ready for it. I thought it was but now I'm having doubts.


We get home and get ready for bed, she cuddles up to me as close as she can get and says nothing. After a few minutes I say, "I really miss daddy" she doesn't scream, she doesn't say well I don't, she doesnt change the subject, she just sits there with it.

I miss him too.

I made her a book for Christmas. Each page is a picture of her and daddy with a little paragraph telling the story of that picture. I hope she likes it. I hope her little heart is ready for it. I thought it was but now I'm having doubts.  I just came across another picture that would have been perfect in the story book.  I think I have enough stories to make her a book like this every year.  It's not enough, they all stop when she is seven.  what will the last one be. the last picture of her and daddy together?

Today is Christmas eve. Bad weather kept us from going to church. We are seeing all our family tomorrow.  We did nothing all day. I actually did laundry, thats how exciting this Christmas eve was. For years I always made a special dinner for Christmas eve, usually chinese food.  We would eat early then go to a candlelight service at church. The last Christmas Dan was alive somehow making dinner had slipped my mind. I had nothing prepared and we ended up eating chicken nuggets and french fries really fast before church.  I remember thinking next year I will make something really awesome.  I didn't end up doing that.

Santa just came by. Being Santa by yourself sucks. I'm paranoid she will wake up. I'm certain this is the last year for Santa. I almost told her today when she was asking me some difficult questions, but I couldn't make myself do it. This is one of those things that is totally and completely Dan's job.  This is what Dan was best at, breaking hard news in a good way, a way that made you not feel bad, a way that kept the magic alive. Dan could use words so well, it was a true gift. I don't want to tell my kid one more thing thats going to rip her heart out, I can't do it. Shes going to have to go to college believing in Santa. I will break into her dorm room in the dead of night. her roommate will call the cops on me and when she comes to bail me out of jail I will say "sorry, but this is all your dad's fault."

Tomorrow is Christmas. This will be the 3rd Christmas without him. I have no idea how that happened. I have no idea how we survived this two other times.  I'm torn between being excited to see Baby Girl open her presents and not getting out of bed all day.  I'm excited for our first Christmas in this house, I want it to be a great one. I feel numb and empty and am contemplating how early I can drink. I want to see our families, I missed them today. But that involves that whole getting out of bed thing that right now seems impossible.  Likely when I have a 10 year old jumping and screaming at me to get up so we can open presents I will be more motivated.

Always always always I wish Dan were here. I miss him. I wonder what he would have got me for Christmas this year? He was excellent at finding me presents.  I wish he were in bed beside me right now instead of a stupid computer.  I wish he would have laid around with us all day and watched tv. I wish I could have made him dinner for Christmas eve.  I wish Santa would bring him back, but Santa can't do that.


I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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