If only I could reach my hand out
I called my sister in law today, I had something very important to say, "You tell your husband that he is a giant asshole" I think she was taken aback by this, I don't generally call her husband (Dan's brother) an asshole, he's a pretty decent guy. Nevertheless I was pretty pissed off at him. I think she could tell by my voice something was up. When I called her I was standing in the middle of my bathroom, still dripping from just taking a shower, and sobbing my head off. "Whats going on?" she said.
My brother in law got a 3-d printer about a month ago (he's a nerd like that). So he decided he would make Christmas presents with it. He made his parents and I each an image of Dan's face. It looked rough and was cut out of plastic, flat like an ornament you would hang on a tree. Honestly not much to look at. He said you hang it in the widow and the light shines through and it's an image of Dan. Ok thanks. Dan's mom went and hung hers in the kitchen window, said it looked just like him. I wasn't paying much attention. I walked past that window several times that day, it's the kitchen window after all, it contains all things food, I didn't notice it. Not at all.
I brought my ornament home and sat it in the pile of all our other Christmas gifts. I don't know how many days after Christmas it is, two, three, four, something like that. But I just got around to sorting that pile of Christmas gifts out and putting things away where they go. I came across my ornament and the first thought that came to me was 'well we get really good light in the bathroom' so I hung it in the bathroom window, just to see what it looked like. Before I could even take a look at it I was distracted by Baby Girl or cats or something. I forgot all about it.
Then I took a shower. I got out of the shower and put my robe on, then out of the corner of my eye I noticed someone looking at me. I jumped, I was so startled. I turned around and it was Dan. My dead husband was staring at me from my bathroom window. I stared back. I was completely stunned. I started to cry. It looked just like him. Exactly like him. Now I have lots of pictures of Dan, they line my walls and I love them. This, this is so much more then a picture. It's like in Harry Potter when he gets the photo album of his parents and they are moving and smiling, just like they were real. I swear if I just squinted a little the image of Dan would move, he would raise an eyebrow at me, reach out his hand and touch me. I swear if I just reached out my hand my could touch his cheek, feel it, brush his hair behind his ear (he hated it when I did that). Fix his kalewhompus eyebrows (he hated it when I did that too but I've never seen such unruly eyebrows.) I could see the wrinkles on the side of his eyes and the veins in his forehead.
It's been almost three years since I've seen Dan, almost three years since I touched his face. If I would have just reached out my hand I'm certain I could have touched him. I didn't reach out my hand, I knew it wasn't really real. I knew it was just his image. I just starred at it. I just stood there, in my bathroom, dripping wet, crying and starring at Dan, too paralyzed to do anything else. The night he died I just stood there, crying and starring at Dan, too paralyzed with fear to do anything else.
I composed myself, ok sort of, no not really, and did the most logical thing I could think of. I called my sister in law to tell her her husband was an asshole. She didn't take it personally, she just listened to me cry as I told her how I swear I could just reach out and touch him. Then I said "I guess I should move him out of the bathroom" That surprised her so I had to explain to her that he was in our bathroom window, which had us both laughing, me in between sobs. This provoked the attention of Baby Girl who came to see what was going on. I told her nothing I was just talking to auntie on the phone, she didn't buy it, shes too smart for my own good. then I said "look Baby Girl, look at the picture of daddy doesn't it look just like him" "uh no" and "why is it in the bathroom?" where her responses. I told her I was going to move it out of the bathroom, she said I could just leave it there I said "no because then daddy would be watching everyone go potty and that would be a little weird don't you think?" she rolled her eyes at me in a 'I can't believe your actually my mother' kind of way and walked away.
I continued to talk to my sister in law and we decided that the library would be a much better place for the image of Dan to reside. Before we hung up I reminded her to tell her husband that I said he's a giant asshole for getting me that Christmas present. She said she would.
O Dan you were so real today. Sometimes you feel like a dream, or a fairy tale I read in a book. Like I only imagined you. It seems like our life together is drifting further and further away and I hate it. I hate that it has been almost three years since I touched your face. And then today you were staring at me when I got out of the shower.
My brother in law got a 3-d printer about a month ago (he's a nerd like that). So he decided he would make Christmas presents with it. He made his parents and I each an image of Dan's face. It looked rough and was cut out of plastic, flat like an ornament you would hang on a tree. Honestly not much to look at. He said you hang it in the widow and the light shines through and it's an image of Dan. Ok thanks. Dan's mom went and hung hers in the kitchen window, said it looked just like him. I wasn't paying much attention. I walked past that window several times that day, it's the kitchen window after all, it contains all things food, I didn't notice it. Not at all.
I brought my ornament home and sat it in the pile of all our other Christmas gifts. I don't know how many days after Christmas it is, two, three, four, something like that. But I just got around to sorting that pile of Christmas gifts out and putting things away where they go. I came across my ornament and the first thought that came to me was 'well we get really good light in the bathroom' so I hung it in the bathroom window, just to see what it looked like. Before I could even take a look at it I was distracted by Baby Girl or cats or something. I forgot all about it.
Then I took a shower. I got out of the shower and put my robe on, then out of the corner of my eye I noticed someone looking at me. I jumped, I was so startled. I turned around and it was Dan. My dead husband was staring at me from my bathroom window. I stared back. I was completely stunned. I started to cry. It looked just like him. Exactly like him. Now I have lots of pictures of Dan, they line my walls and I love them. This, this is so much more then a picture. It's like in Harry Potter when he gets the photo album of his parents and they are moving and smiling, just like they were real. I swear if I just squinted a little the image of Dan would move, he would raise an eyebrow at me, reach out his hand and touch me. I swear if I just reached out my hand my could touch his cheek, feel it, brush his hair behind his ear (he hated it when I did that). Fix his kalewhompus eyebrows (he hated it when I did that too but I've never seen such unruly eyebrows.) I could see the wrinkles on the side of his eyes and the veins in his forehead.
It's been almost three years since I've seen Dan, almost three years since I touched his face. If I would have just reached out my hand I'm certain I could have touched him. I didn't reach out my hand, I knew it wasn't really real. I knew it was just his image. I just starred at it. I just stood there, in my bathroom, dripping wet, crying and starring at Dan, too paralyzed to do anything else. The night he died I just stood there, crying and starring at Dan, too paralyzed with fear to do anything else.
I composed myself, ok sort of, no not really, and did the most logical thing I could think of. I called my sister in law to tell her her husband was an asshole. She didn't take it personally, she just listened to me cry as I told her how I swear I could just reach out and touch him. Then I said "I guess I should move him out of the bathroom" That surprised her so I had to explain to her that he was in our bathroom window, which had us both laughing, me in between sobs. This provoked the attention of Baby Girl who came to see what was going on. I told her nothing I was just talking to auntie on the phone, she didn't buy it, shes too smart for my own good. then I said "look Baby Girl, look at the picture of daddy doesn't it look just like him" "uh no" and "why is it in the bathroom?" where her responses. I told her I was going to move it out of the bathroom, she said I could just leave it there I said "no because then daddy would be watching everyone go potty and that would be a little weird don't you think?" she rolled her eyes at me in a 'I can't believe your actually my mother' kind of way and walked away.
I continued to talk to my sister in law and we decided that the library would be a much better place for the image of Dan to reside. Before we hung up I reminded her to tell her husband that I said he's a giant asshole for getting me that Christmas present. She said she would.
O Dan you were so real today. Sometimes you feel like a dream, or a fairy tale I read in a book. Like I only imagined you. It seems like our life together is drifting further and further away and I hate it. I hate that it has been almost three years since I touched your face. And then today you were staring at me when I got out of the shower.
💕
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