My last will and testament (why do they call it that?)





"Hey Dad are you busy? I need you to be a witness to signing my will. You know, then it will be ok if I die prematurely."   "Jennifer"  thats his way of saying he's not amused, calling me by my full name. he drags it out "Jennnnnnnniiiifffffeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr" He doesn't always appreciate the young widow humor.  Like he doesn't want his daughter to die. He didn't want his son in law to die either (he was after all his favorite son in law) but look what happened there.

I finally got around to writing a will. It doesn't say much, please don't pawn our wedding rings. My sister gets custody of Baby Girl.  Baby Girl of course is why I wrote it.  It has been on my to do list ever since Dan died.  "Holy crap what if something happens to me? What if there's a car accident?what if I get cancer? What if I just up and die out of nowhere? Who will take care of Baby Girl?"  In a way it's a ridiculous question, I can think of 100 people right off the top of my head that would take care of Baby Girl in a heart beat, that would love her and cherish her. But I didn't want those 100 people to all have to go to court and fight over her so it's best if I just make it all legal now.

Dan and I never had a will, cause why would we. We were young and healthy, we had no money for anyone to fight over. It is one of those things you do later, you know when your old, when you have something to leave to your grown up children and their families. We weren't worried about custody of Baby Girl because nothing was going to happen to us. Certainly not both of us. The odds of that happening are astronomical. Then the odds got drastically cut in half. Then reality got real.  Then there was just me, one person. The odds of something happening to just one person are much much higher. Dan was just one person. The chances of Dan dying were astronomical.  He died anyway.

I don't think it was more than a day after Dan died that the thought occurred to me that I need to make a will. I need to have a plan for Baby Girl.  What the heck was wrong with me? I am a planner by nature, I always have things figured out. I guess in my head I did have a plan for Baby Girl. A simple yet effective plan, don't die. Just don't die. I'm pretty certain Dan was on board with this plan too.  Huh, ok I guess I need another plan. 

It took almost three years to do it. I knew that it had to be done. I knew the reality that bad things do happen to good people. I was a first hand witness to it. If Dan can die, Dan who at the age of three jumped off the back of the couch (much to his mothers protest of him getting hurt) shouting "Nothing can hurt me".  Dan jumped off an 80 foot cliff in college, into the lake below, you know just because. Dan rode his bicycle off the high dive of the swimming pool. When I asked him why he said "why not?" Dan was disappointed that bungee jumping off a bridge was illegal in out state and he had to settle for doing it in a controlled environment. Dan continued that ideal of nothing can hurt him I imagine up until the second he died.  As I was calling 911 I had images of Dan telling me the next day, "you didn't need to call them, I was fine, I'm fine" Yes he had the 'nothing can hurt me' mentality his whole life.

I also texted my other sister, "I need you to be a witness for signing my will. That way when I die prematurely you won't have to take Baby Girl"  she thought it was funnier then my dad did.  Yay, so it's all arranged, premature death signing here we come. Should we have a party? how about cake? I've been craving cheesecake.  Wine? Yes we are definitely going to do this with wine. 

Baby Girl and I went to my Dad's house to meet up with all the necessary party members. She was running around chasing the cats. I was making fun of the situation "here's to premature death" "O come on Dan got to do it"  "See this way you won't have to be responsible for Baby Girl"  "I leave Baby Girl my vast millions" "give my Cayman island to my brother"  "The yacht can go to dad"  my siblings were laughing, though sometimes I think my brother doesn't find it the funniest joke in the world.  Sign some papers, have a glass of wine, good times.

"Ok Baby Girl lets go home"  We get into the car.  She climbs into my lap, which is awkward what with a steering wheel in front of me and her being 10 years old.  She hugs me as tight as she can. "I love you momma" she hugs tighter.  "Did you here us talking about mommy's will"  "NO" I'm pretty sure she's lying.  "you know it's a just in case, just in case something ever happens to mommy it say Auntie will take care of you,"   "And uncle too" yes and uncle too.  "And then if they have a baby I would get to share a room with a baby, that would be pretty fun"  yup yup auntie does have the Baby thing going for her to make it fun.  I think I will stick to my first plan. The first plan is always the best plan. JUST DON"T DIE. Yup I like that plan.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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