Three years ago today he didn't die. I didn't think he was going to either.




I remember what I was doing at this time three years ago. Ok maybe not down to the minute but it was the Monday night before Thanksgiving 2014. I wasn't making pies, or cleaning my house, I wasn't double checking what I had gotten at the store earlier that day to make sure I had everything I needed.  I was sitting in a chair next to the hospital bed in the ER. I had just watched my husband have the biggest siezure I have ever seen in my life.

I guess really it all started the night before that. He had a siezure while we were sleeping, it woke me up. It was a "typical" one for him, although typical is a strange word because this was only about the fourth one he had had in our fifteen year marriage. Typical: uh how to describe them, even typical ones are scary, but I have seen worse, the one he had before that which was at least seven years before this because Baby Girl wasn't even born, he bit through part of his tongue.  Honestly it was very similar to the one that killed him less then two months later. It was short, less then 30 seconds, Then he rolled over and started snoring.  I watched him for awhile and then I too went back to sleep.  When I woke up the next morning he was in the bathtub. I walked in there, "uh babe you remember you had a siezure last night"  He actually looked at me like he didn't believe me, like I was trying to mess with him. "No I didn't" "Uh ya you did, I think you should stay home from work today and rest."  "nope, can't, have a busy day, I feel fine, are you sure I had a siezure?" "yup I'm sure, we should at least call the Dr." Our morning went on like this as he got ready for work. We won and went off, possibly appeasing me by saying he would call the Dr. later that day.

At work he had a "small" siezure, he didn't tell me about it because it was "no big deal" I do know his definition of small and mine are very different.  I probably would have made him do something ridiculous like go to the Dr.  That evening I went out to dinner with all the females in his family, The males went to a hamburger place down the road with the kids.  He texted me during dinner "opps I did it again" through texts I figured out what he was talking about and that he had had one at work.  Thats it! I am coming to get you and we are going to the ER.

ER I remember thinking  "Thank God we were already at the hospital, I would have had to call 911 for that one." He was now snoring loudly. I don't now if my tact has come back or if it's my own fear but I'm not going to write about what that siezure looked like. Rest assured I do remember. I texted his mom to tell her what had just happened and that we would indeed be spending the night in the hospital.

Eventually we got moved from the ER to an actual hospital room. A groggy Dan kept trying to convince the nurses to let him go home, he even tried to hire one, I had to explain to her that it was ok, he ran a mental health facility and he was always looking for good nurses. I got promoted to a bigger uncomfortable chair.  Dan tried to convince me to go home and get some sleep, he was fine, and I wouldn't get any rest in that chair.  He did have nerve that guy, but seeing as he had just had a siezure and was on tons of medication I won that one. 

I slept with my shoes on (I have this thing about needing new socks after taking shoes off and I didn't have new socks on me so I just left the shoes on) Jeans and a sweatshirt, not the most comfortable clothes, not the most comfortable chair. But it was fine, it was just for one night, This was by far the worst of it, I bet  he will have them even less now with this new medication. Thats where I was at three years ago today.

He died January 12, 2015 from a 'typical' siezure.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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