Dan, the intellectual




My husband Dan is what one would call an intellectual. He was NOT what one would call a handy man.  If you knew him at all you are laughing right now because you know how truly right I am. I say was and knew because hes dead. He's been dead ever since I started blogging. I started blogging because he was dead. I wonder what Dan would think of my blogs? I wouldn't call myself a handy woman because most of the time I just pretend I know what I'm doing, but I do like doing house projects and compared to Dan I might as well be Tim Allen. 

I was talking to my friend the other day, sobbing because I was missing Dan, I think she was maybe trying to cheer me up because she said "you know what he wasn't as great as you remember, you are seeing everything through rose colored glasses. I remember one time you wanted his help packing up a garage sale you had just had and he was working on some random project in the back yard and you were super annoyed that he was working on that dumb project and not helping you."  Ya that was funny, maybe I wasn't amused then but it amuses me now.  I know Dan wasn't perfect, I'm not perfect either.

Sometimes he really annoyed me. Like when I asked him to take the garbage out and he waited a couple hours to do it instead of getting up and doing it right away.  Like the fact that he was the biggest procrastinator I have ever meet in my life and I hate procrastinating.  Like that one time when I was being released from the hospital and he was TWO HOURS late picking me up.  Or that one time he promised he would help me clean the house for Baby Girls birthday party and then he ran to the store and was gone forever.  How it took him forever to get ready in the morning.  How he was the biggest bathroom hog (BTW that is super inconvenient when your potty training your toddler and your house only has one bathroom. Those are my biggest complaints about Dan. Yup he was awful.

I was working on a yard project today. A project I had intended to get done this summer and didn't. A project I thought I could squeeze in in the fall before the weather got really bad.  A project that is now 2/3 done and I ave no choice to finish it before winter which started like last week.  I bribed my sister in law to come help me because I needed several loads of gravel and she has a truck.  So were in my back yard shoveling gravel and she goes "ok tell me the truth, do you actually think Dan would be out here shoveling gravel." we both laughed at the absurdity, not that Dan couldn't shovel gravel or wouldn't if I asked him to help me, but that he strongly preferred not to.  He was not a project guy. He was an intellectual.

I responded "of course he wouldn't be thats ridiculous. But here's what he would be doing; he would be taking care of our kids so I could be out here shoveling. He would be making dinner so I didn't have to do that too after I went inside. He would go pick baby girl up from her friends house so I didn't have to stop what I was doing. He would bring me a glass of water. I could say hey I cant get the back of the truck to unlatch and he would gladly come help me.  He would say 'sit down with me for 10 minutes and take a break.' when I would protest he would say something like 'hey I'm the husband and I said my wife is working too hard and she needs a break." then I would give in and we would sit and I would tell him about all the progress I made on the project, and he would marvel and say I was amazing.  He would tell me it was time to quit for the day and make me come inside. Then he would say 'go take your dirty clothes off there is a bath all ready for you.'  If Dan were here I would have had time to finish this project before it started raining. If Dan were here I would have had this project done this summer like I wanted.

You see he wasn't the typical husband, he raised the bar really high.  It's sorta like grades (I guess for lack of a better analogy)  If you have one kid that generally gets C's but they are trying you are proud of them and their C's. You are even prouder when the get a B in something.  If you have another kid who gets straight A's you come to expect that from them. So when they get a C on something or a D or an F you are shocked and surprised and wonder what happened.  My standards are high. I had an A husband and I came to expect that every day.  Then out of no where my A husband stated getting F's really though it was even worse then that, he was getting the worst grade possible in being a husband, he was getting Z's. It was like he was all of a sudden non existent, this is largely due to the fact that he was dead. See going from A's to Z's is a giant leap. I am used to an A husband, I'm not ok with going from A's to Z's, My expected standard is A.

No Dan probably wouldn't have helped me shovel roock today, I wouldn't have expected him to either, but all the things he would have done are even better. 


I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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