Pre-Thanksgiving anxiety





You know what popped up on my facebook memories today.  The blog post I wrote 1 year.  In it I describe everything that happened the night Dan died. I wrote about him dying. I decided not to reshare that one today.

 I don't know if I would have written that out now, or rather I probably would have written it just not shared it with the whole entire world.  Apearently one of the side effects of grief is that your tack flies completly out the window. I noticed it withen a day of Dan being dead, I was totally tackless and guess what? I didn't fucking give a dam.  I also started swearing, a lot. I remeber when I was in labor with Baby Girl. To say it was painful was a huge understatement, only one thing has ever been worse and I bet you can guess correctly that that would be Dan dying. Anyway I remeber being in labor and squeezing Dans hand so tight his knuckles were turnig red. The nurse said "It's ok honey you can cuss up a storm in here if you need to, everyone does it, we've heard it all." I didn't say anything (cause owe pain) Dan just patted my hand with his free one and said "thats not really her style" It just wasn't my style I didn't reall have it in me.  One more thing about me gone, Same goes for tact, although I can feel it trying to inch it's way back in and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

So one year ago I wrote about the night Dan died, if your dying to read it (see the pun) here is the link I just want to warn you, it's not pretty.  I've been thinking about that a lot lately, maybe more than I should since "it's been so long"  But the end is almost here. It's just around the corner. Thanksgiving is now, always the beginning of the end.

I went to a check up with my psychiatrist, I see her every so often on top of therapy because she controls my anti depressants which I started taking because my husband died. You have to fill out a short questionnaire every time.  Mine indicated that I haven't been sleeping well "why is that?" she asked. uh cause i'm not sleeping well cause it's almost thanksgiving. It's almost the beginning of the end and I already hate it and it's not even here yet so I'm not sleeping well. Duh, I think thats a legit answer. then she replied with a very dr like question "Well are you taking the sleeping pills I prescribed you"  uh no actually I'm not. Another dr question "why not"  Uh well, honestly I forgot I had them. (yup I forget I already have medication that helps me, blame my dead husband)  You see I was feeling so good this summer and doing so well that I stopped taking them, because I didn't need them. Isn't that great.  "Yes thats great but maybe you should take them again for awhile" Yes that is a very good plan, I will do that, I will remember I have sleeping pills when I can't sleep. I can do that, I think.

I am hosting Thanksgiving at my house this year, for my family. I'm doing it because my therapist told me I should. when I told her I decided to do it she asked what made me decide, I said "cause you told me to" Therapists have this thing where they never tell a client what they should or should not do so she said, "I told you to? really? have I ever told you to do anything?"  ok ok well you suggested I should.  she looked at me funny. ok ok you mentioned it might be a good idea and I decided for myself that I agreed with you.  Thats basicly the same as telling me to right?  She had a valid point that made me decide to do it.  Thanksgiving the last few years have sucked. It's that simple, dead husband equals sucky holidays.  We have this shinny new house that we worked so so hard on.  We want happy memories in this house (like we had in the last one before the whole death thing)  So lets have thanksgiving here to start the season off with happy memories.  Sounds logical, I have no idea if it will work, at the end of the day Dan is still dead and the happiest memories are not going to change that. But I'm willing to give it a try.

Now I'm going to take one of those fancy pills from my dr. and fall asleep. I hope.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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