Severe Trauma...hmmm
Today's the 11th. Did you get your free slurpee? I didn't. All the 11th means to me is that tomorrow is the 12th. I don't even have to wait until I wake up in the morning, I only have to wait until 12:01 am. That's the time, the official Time of Death on Dan's death certificate. 12:01 am January 12, 2015. Two and a half years in just a couple hours from now.
I've been having a rough month, This two and a half year thing has been really getting to me, like it's some kind of milestone, it's not. Like something is supposed to switch and my grief will be gone, just a smile and a nod at good memories. You know like it was supposed to happen after the first year. I think thats what I told myself, I think thats how I made it. Just hang on, just wait it out. Just survive for the first year and then you will feel better. Just give yourself a whole year to grieve and then...then...I don't really know what exactly was supposed to happen then but it didn't. Nothing happened, nothing changed, the grief didn't leave.
Ok well, we were really in love, we were soul mates, if there's a word that expresses deep love more then that we were that too. Wesley and Buttercup remember, thats us. "Not even death can stop true love" That was us, but he died anyway. Ok I'm gonna give myself a break because we were massively in love. Two years, I will feel better after two years, the grief will be better. Two years came and the same thing happend that it did at one year. A big fat nothing.
Two and a half years ago in just a few hours. hmm. The odds are nothing will happen. He's not going to magically walk through the front door, though I wish he would. This grief thing has certainly not gone away although I think I could say I'm coping, managing, surviving, dealing, whatever you want to call it better. Practice I guess.
"Cut yourself some fucking slack" it's my therapists new favorite thing to tell me. I saw her today. She was able to squeeze me in even though I showed up at the wrong time. I was an hour off. Not that big of a deal, not the end of the world. Something I never ever did in the before, I just didn't, my brain was on top of that kind of stuff, not anymore. I know that, I can remember that, my brain used to function differently and I don't know how to get it back.
Trauma, I have trauma, sometimes she has to remind me. Sometimes I try to tell myself it's been two and a half years and I should "be moving on" She calls my B.S. 'Trauma, you have trauma, not only did your soul mate die, but you stood there and watched it happen' (In case your wondering it's not like the movies). "That is a whole other level of trauma on top of just death (which is more then enough)" Yes, your right, I tell myself, I watched Dan die. I remember the first email I ever sent to my therapist, it was about a month after Dan died and I was seeing if she would take me. "My husband died extremely suddenly and unexpectedly and I basically just stood there and watched" Thats what I told her, thats what it felt like. I suppose looking back I did more then that, I tried to wake him up, I screamed, I cried, I called 911, I did everything the dispatcher said, I called my sister to come watch Baby Girl, AND I watched him die. Apparently thats some serious trauma. You don't just get over that.
"I've never seen anyone else die. I don't personally know anyone who has, people in my online grief groups I'm sure, but no one I really know... Well my dad was in the room when my grandma died, she had cancer and was in the hospital and just slowly slipped away. The same with my aunts." My therapist gave me a look, I'm not sure what kind of a look it was really "Those are what we call peaceful deaths" she said, "They are not the same thing, they are awful yes, but they are not the same level of Trauma." ohhh ok. "Dans death was not peaceful" well thats for sure.
So here I am, only an hour and a half to go until nothing remarkable happens again. Two and a half years and I still have "severe trauma" I'm starting to think it will never go away.
Ok well, we were really in love, we were soul mates, if there's a word that expresses deep love more then that we were that too. Wesley and Buttercup remember, thats us. "Not even death can stop true love" That was us, but he died anyway. Ok I'm gonna give myself a break because we were massively in love. Two years, I will feel better after two years, the grief will be better. Two years came and the same thing happend that it did at one year. A big fat nothing.
Two and a half years ago in just a few hours. hmm. The odds are nothing will happen. He's not going to magically walk through the front door, though I wish he would. This grief thing has certainly not gone away although I think I could say I'm coping, managing, surviving, dealing, whatever you want to call it better. Practice I guess.
"Cut yourself some fucking slack" it's my therapists new favorite thing to tell me. I saw her today. She was able to squeeze me in even though I showed up at the wrong time. I was an hour off. Not that big of a deal, not the end of the world. Something I never ever did in the before, I just didn't, my brain was on top of that kind of stuff, not anymore. I know that, I can remember that, my brain used to function differently and I don't know how to get it back.
Trauma, I have trauma, sometimes she has to remind me. Sometimes I try to tell myself it's been two and a half years and I should "be moving on" She calls my B.S. 'Trauma, you have trauma, not only did your soul mate die, but you stood there and watched it happen' (In case your wondering it's not like the movies). "That is a whole other level of trauma on top of just death (which is more then enough)" Yes, your right, I tell myself, I watched Dan die. I remember the first email I ever sent to my therapist, it was about a month after Dan died and I was seeing if she would take me. "My husband died extremely suddenly and unexpectedly and I basically just stood there and watched" Thats what I told her, thats what it felt like. I suppose looking back I did more then that, I tried to wake him up, I screamed, I cried, I called 911, I did everything the dispatcher said, I called my sister to come watch Baby Girl, AND I watched him die. Apparently thats some serious trauma. You don't just get over that.
"I've never seen anyone else die. I don't personally know anyone who has, people in my online grief groups I'm sure, but no one I really know... Well my dad was in the room when my grandma died, she had cancer and was in the hospital and just slowly slipped away. The same with my aunts." My therapist gave me a look, I'm not sure what kind of a look it was really "Those are what we call peaceful deaths" she said, "They are not the same thing, they are awful yes, but they are not the same level of Trauma." ohhh ok. "Dans death was not peaceful" well thats for sure.
So here I am, only an hour and a half to go until nothing remarkable happens again. Two and a half years and I still have "severe trauma" I'm starting to think it will never go away.
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