I want to puke




"Little things meant a lot to you guys, didn't they?" My therapists asks. Ya, ya they do, I mean did I guess, did to us, still do to me.

There's a list of little things I haven't dealt with yet. Little things, that to some people are no big deal, but to me they mean everything.  I told my therapist, I could do it, if I had to, I could accomplish these little things. Maybe they would help me "move on". Maybe they would help me accept that he's actually really dead, that he's not coming back. She said there was no hurry.

I still wear my wedding ring. I wear his too, I put it on the night he died. I could take it off, I could put it in a box and not wear it anymore. I could make myself do it. Then maybe every time I looked at my hand I would realize that I'm not technically married anymore. Dan picked that wedding ring out all by himself, It is stunning. He always told me he would upgrade it for me when we could afford it. I told him not to touch my ring, I loved it exactly how it was. He asked my dad if he could marry me by showing him that ring. I wore that ring constantly with a few exceptions like when I was pregnant and it didn't fit and that time it broke. I've been taking it off lately when I'm doing yard work "trying it out" they say thats what you are supposed to do. I always find myself putting it back on when I leave the house. It's a symbol that I'm married to the love of my life, but I'm not anymore.

I need to make a will. Let people know who will take care of my Baby Girl at the time of untimely demise. You would think this is something one would do as soon as possible after their spouse died. Get your ducks in a row get everything taken care of. I haven't gotten around to it yet. My best friend was appalled and made me make an appointment with a lawyer to get it done. How could you have gone through all this and not made yourself a will? she asked me. Uhhhh I dunno. But I think I do know, way down in the pit of my stomach. I imagine it's the same for everybody who doesn't have a will. I don't want to. I don't want to have a plan for if I die prematurely, I don't want someone to have to tell Baby Girl that Mommy died too. So I'm just not gonna die, see plan made, ducks in a row, no will means no dying right? Dan didn't have a will.

Taking his name off all our bills. I tried it once. The headache that ensues is not even worth it. I just let my dead husband pay the water bill every month. It's easier.

Change my facebook profile pic. Why yes that is a big one. I always had a photo of the three of us, something from our last grand adventure. I loved us and I loved showing us off. I would rotate it regularly but it was always of us. I don't have any new pictures of the three of us. Our last grand adventure was two and a half years ago. I took a photo of Baby Girl and I on fourth of July. I think it's pretty cute. I thought about making it my profile picture, it has a major flaw, no Dan. Can I do it? Can I put a family picture up that is missing a main person in our family? What does that say? That I'm ok with him not being in the picture or that I just have this cute picture. In a moment of bravery I put it up. I may take it down tomorrow.

Stop carrying around a jar of his ashes in my car. Ya no. not ready for that one. Crazy widow brain wins that one.

Memorialize his Facebook page. I haven't been able to do it. My crazy widow brain tells me that if I do that I'm admitting to the world that he's dead, that he's not coming back. They will all know for sure if it says he's dead on his facebook status. You know the fact that I tag him in everything that has to do with him and share my blog about grief on his page isn't the same as officially changing his page. Consequently that means my status will be changed to widow, cause you can't be married to a dead guy. I did it, just now, I sent in a request. I really feel the urge to puke.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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