Idaho grief

We just got back from a trip to see some of our best friends.  All kinds of significant nothing happened and I'm still trying to sort it out in my head. I guess thats one reason why I blog to get everything out of my head, usually I would talk it over with Dan but he's not here. We meet these friends while Dan and I were going to college in Idaho, it's an eight hour drive from our hometown, an eight hour drive  from where we live now. In college we drove back regularly to see our parents, probably once a month or so. After college we drove to Idaho regularly to see our friends, probably twice a year or so. So we've driven this road a lot, Dan and I together, and then with Baby Girl. I am used to the drive. But it was always Dan and I, it was never just I.

We went back to see friends about six months after Dan died, we had a bit of a memorial for him there. I took my sister with me because I was in no state to drive alone. We spread some ashes in Idaho. I loved that trip and I hated that trip. I was surrounded by friends who loved us, friends who couldn't make it to the funeral. Baby Girl and I were an absolute mess, I don't know how we were functioning, not very well for sure. My two best friends and I sat on a bench where we spread his ashes, held hands, and cried together. It was missing Dan. In college the four of us did everything together. This was the first time the four of us had been together in years, possibly since college. We never thought the four of us would never be together again, we never thought Dan would die.

 I drove to Idaho, eight hours, just baby Girl and I. I've never done that before, I always had Dan. We were both nervous about the trip, I was very nervous about being the only adult going that far. Baby Girl had a pretty good dose of anxiety about it, she has anxiety a lot since Dan died. We drove to Idaho, all on our own, we made it, It wasn't even awful.

The main reason we went is because my best friend just had her second child and we needed to go see the baby. Since there was a brand new baby around we had firm plans to do nothing, just hang out at the house, hold the baby and play with the toddler. Sounds great, I need to relax more anyway. Everyone says so at least, everyone says I'm under to much stress. Their right of course, but I have a good excuse, I have a dead husband and a 10 year old, I have a stressful life, I didn't used to. However I have been thinking in terms of the last two and a half years of my life, this summer is definitely the least stressed out I've been. In the grand scheme of life in the After, I'm doing pretty good at the moment.  It's all relative, better does not mean all better, it does not mean no stress at all. It does not mean Dan isn't dead anymore.

We pulled into their driveway, went inside and gave everybody hugs.  Her husband said, "sit down, relax, you are relaxing here, I will bring all your stuff inside."  Uh ok. I don't know how to explain this so people get it, but it was HUGE not to have to take my stuff out of my car. For two and a half years, every grocery trip, every store run, every time we went anywhere at all I have loaded and unloaded our car. Every single time. It's one of those things we take for granted, your husband helping you bring the groceries in, helping you take the suitcases out. It's only something you think about when you don't have it anymore. It was huge to me just to have that one thing not to worry about, I didn't have to get up and unpack the car.

The next morning I slept in till 10:00. Ever like her daddy, Baby Girl is a morning person and always gets up at dawn. I am not a morning person. With Dan around I could just sleep in because he was up. I knew things were getting taken care of. I rarely get the opportunity to do that anymore. This morning Baby Girl came into my room and whispered "mommy I'm going on a walk with "uncle" and the babies"  ok I mumbled, and I went back to sleep, because I knew she wouldn't need me, I knew she was fine, I knew she was great.  I slept till 10 because the stress of worrying about Baby Girl wasn't there.

The same thing happened the next morning, and then that evening when uncle took her to the park. I didn't have to worry, she was good. So I laid on my best friends couch and cried. Because I could, because I had time too.  "If I just lay here like this forever you'll take care of me right"  "Well for a little while at least" she thinks she's funny but I'm pretty confident she would never make me move. I will be the first to tell you we have absolutely amazing support with friends and family. Even so, most places I still worry about Baby Girl. What shes up too, if she needs me, if her babysitter is getting tired of her, like a million unrealistic things. There are very few people shes with that I don't have a single worry when shes with them. They are her people.

I just miss Dan. He was supposed to be there, meeting the new baby, playing with the toddler, taking the kids to the park.  Like I said earlier when we were in Idaho the summer after Dan died, we were a total mess. Like all things from the last two years I remember very little of it. I remember Baby Girl having a grief tantrum. I think that surprised everyone, they are not used to her acting that way. I remember me sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. "I can't do this, I can't do this anymore"  One friend grabbed my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye and said something very profound. I have no idea what it was. None, but I remember it helped.

Our hearts are still broken, that will never change, but I noticed a significant difference between this trip and the last one.  One could say it was just time that healed us. I'm not saying that because I think it's a bunch of shit. Time doesn't fix anything. I don't miss Dan less, it doesn't hurt less just because time has gone by. Still we were able to do it on our own, we were able to cope better, or handle it better, or something. Maybe it's the medication.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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