Just wait




 I couldn't adult today. I just couldn't. I think adulting yesterday on our anniversary was too much work and my body said stop it. I woke up wanting to go back to bed. I completely ignored my niece who I was babysitting (sorry sister). I ignored baby girl as much as possible but shes a stubborn one and wont let me ignore her too much. I put away our stuff from church camp which we got home from on Friday. It's a good thing we live with my mother in law and she offered to do our laundry or it would still be stinking up the suitcases (it's making me second guess this moving out thing, We have it good here). And I laid on the couch. I laid on the couch and waited for it to be bedtime. I didn't even watch tv. Baby girl was watching a show we've seen a million times and I had no interest in it. I laid on the couch. I tried to take a nap three different times because I was so exhausted my head hurt, but inevitably baby girl would need something just as I was drifting off. So I waited out the day so I could go to bed.


Most of the time I feel like I'm waiting out life. Waiting to turn my head and see him coming towards me. Waiting for him to walk down the hall. Waiting for his car to pull in the driveway. Waiting for him to text me. Waiting to hear baby girl sequel in delight as I hear his footsteps chasing her. Waiting to hear him snore. waiting to feel his arm around me in the middle of the night. Waiting to wake up to the sound of him in the shower. Waiting for him to hug me. Waiting for him to be here for me to cry on. Just wait. If I wait long enough Dan will come back. If I wait long enough he won't be dead anymore. If you wait long enough you will pass the test and he will come back, this awful nightmare will be over and you can stop waiting and get back to real life. I'm waiting out life.

Now I plan on living until I'm about 95. After all baby girl needs me. Dan planned on living that long too. He had this goal of making it to our 80th wedding anniversary. That would make him 100 and me 99. "Then we can rethink this marriage thing" he would say.  I'm not gonna wait those four extra years without him, thats just too long. 95 is a very long wait as it is. On my last birthday I actually thought "yay one more year down. One less year I have to wait to see Dan again" I think thats what a broken heart does to you. 

I keep moving. I keep going. I carry on. Baby girl makes me. We go on adventures. We laugh and play, though its not the same because even when we are happy we are waiting for our missing piece to come back. Waiting for his laugh to join ours so our laughter can be complete again. Waiting for his hand to hold hers so she can feel safe again. Just waiting as we carry on with life.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

Comments

  1. Carry on Castle: Living with griefAugust 17, 2016 at 10:09 PM

    I think thats how most of us feel. I'm sorry about your husband, and even as I type them I know they are useless words. But I am here with you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousJune 21, 2017 at 4:05 AM

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