AFRAID







The other day my Dad had a medical scope put down his throat to investigate some issues he has been having. I found out he was doing this the day before and immediately my brain said "Cancer, it's gonna be cancer, dads gonna have cancer, dads gonna die, crap I can't do this." Thank God it's just stomach ulcers. I'll take stomach ulcers any day over cancer.

My friend called me today. After chatting for awhile she said "so I have some news" my brain jumped "Cancer, she's gonna tell me she has cancer. shes gonna die too"  Instead she was calling to tell me she was pregnant. Wonderful news, but she knows I'm sensitive about that whole baby thing like I'm sensitive about the whole dead husband thing so she was trying to break it to me gently. I love her, shes the best. I'm so glad shes having a baby instead of cancer.

If people call me at a strange hour, or what I think is a strange hour I'm afraid they have bad news. If baby girls school calls me I'm afraid there going to tell me shes broken an arm or shes on the way to the hospital.

I never used to be afraid. Not like this. I would worry, I'm sort of a natural worrier, but not like this. I was never like this. It's because of grief, the unimaginable happened, Dan died. And now that I know that it can happen I'm afraid it will happen all the time.

Baby girl unfortunately is the same way. She is always afraid something bad is going to happen. Especially to me. She hates it when I leave the house without her. She would prefer a detailed itinerary of where I will be when and when exactly I will be back. Really she'd rather I didn't go at all. Because she is terrified that if she lets me out of her sight I will die. I know exactly where it comes from, her daddy was absolutely fine, he kissed her goodnight and said "I'll see you in the morning" and the next thing she knew I was waking her up and telling her daddy died. Just like that. He didn't keep his promise, he meant to, he wanted to, he had every intention of doing so, but he didn't and at 9 years old you don't really understand that part. what you understand is that daddy said he would see you in the morning and he lied. So why should she trust me when I say "i'll see you in a couple hours" "I'll be home for dinner" "I'll see you after school"  She doesn't believe me 100%. There is a little piece of her that says "ya daddy said that too and look what happened" I can see it in her eyes. Whats worse is theirs a little piece of me that agrees with her. As much as I tell her that I will be back I am no longer 100% sure that I will be. When Dan and I went to sleep that last night I was 100% sure I would talk to him in the morning. But I didn't. I didn't. See now we know so now we can't be sure of anything.

After Dan died baby girl slept in my bed with me for over 8 months. She was terrified if she slept in her bed something bad would happen to me. It took a lot of therapy and talking and me sleeping on the floor in her room to get her back into her own bed. Since we moved she has been sleeping in my bed again. Life changed again and it brings up all the scared feelings again.

She has mentioned about 3 times recently that she is going to sleep in her own bed and then has changed her mind at bedtime. She said this today while grandma was watching her. Grandma asked her why she didn't like sleeping in her bed and India said "It's just that I worry before bed but I guess once I'm asleep there's nothing to worry about anymore." And then grandma replied "there's nothing to worry about when your awake either" O grandma, there is so much to worry about, what if you die too?

 So we're getting ready for bed and she goes "mommy I changed my mind I don't want to sleep in my room tonight" so I say ok that's fine sleep in my bed and she says "I want to sleep in my bed its just that I'm scared. I'm scarred I will disappear. Things disappear. My old teddy bear disappeared, my favorite Jamie's disappeared. What if I disappear" so I say "yes I totally get that. I'm afraid people will disappear in the middle of the night too. Because daddy disappeared in the middle of the night when you were sleeping. Now I'm scarred other people will disappear too like me or you or grandma or grandpa" and then she changed the subject and I told her the teddy bear she thought had disappeared was actually just under her bed so we went and found him. The jammies she grew out of two years ago and I gave them away. Then when we were in bed I always tell her "daddy loves you more then anything and mommy loves you more then anything" so tonight I said "daddy loves you more then anything. Even though he disappeared he loves you more then anything. I know it for a fact. I'm 100% sure."


I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

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