It's all related




I had a conversation with my dad a couple months ago. I have no idea what it was actually about but the essence of it was he asked me to do something, something small, trivial and I said "no I can't I'm grieving" and he replied "this has nothing to do with you grieving" to which I replied "The hell it does. Everything does it's all related."

It's all related. All of it. When you lose your soul mate everything relates to that loss. EVERYTHING. Its not just a your thinking about him so your sad, or your favorite song just played on the radio. Or even that your mad at him because he's missing your life together. It is those also, but it is so much more. So I am going to list some things that perhaps other people think are random but are totally related to grief.

You walk slower. So much energy is in grieving that you actually truly walk slower. It takes energy you don't have to walk at a normal pace.

I sleep with a nightlight.  I have slept in the dark for 15 years if not longer. It never bothered me. Dan was right beside me.  I can't sleep in the dark anymore. Its too dark I guess. I can't do it. I bought 3 battery operated candles and they are on all night every night. I even take them with me when I go out of town.

I own a sound machine. If anything will make you realize how quite your house is its the lack of another human being.  Like the candles the sound machine plays all night every night.

I don't cook anymore. I just don't 1) I don't have the energy to. 2) its just not the same cooking for yourself as it is for your husband. The fun has gone out of it. There's no point. I really don't care what I eat anymore and baby girl is a firm believer in Mac and cheese and chicken nuggets and fries.  She doesn't appreciate steak and its way too much work to make just for me.

I'm pretty much done everyday by 4pm. Just done with the day, ready to go to bed, wishing it were time to go to bed. TIRED. The little energy I have is all spent by about 4pm. I actually get pretty cranky if I have to be out and about later then that. I also think it has something to do with that is about the time Dan would get home from work. Between 4 and 5. I knew he would be home and I could count on him to help me. 

You can't think, even now, even as I write this blog I have to go "what was I going to say" "what was it I was going to do." That's probably why they seem so choppy when you read them. My mind can't concentrate. It can't concentrate because it gets interrupted about every 3 seconds with a "Dan's dead, but wait Dan's dead. Dan died, what" yup about every 3 seconds. It used to be every 1 second, It's gotten better. But you don't know my mind is doing that. You just think I'm scatter brained. I'm not. At least I never used to be.

Baby girl won't do sleepovers anymore. She won't be away from mommy. I worry her friends parents are afraid I don't trust them or something. Don't worry I do. It's us not you. I wish she would do sleepovers and give me a little break, but shes scared to leave mommy. Her grief tells her if she leaves mommy at night mommy will die too.

Wandering. I wander a lot. I can go to the grocery store with a list of three things. I will wander around for an hour. I won't be able to find it because things like remembering the aisles of your local grocery store go out the window in grief. Your brain can not retain trivial information like that anymore. I won't remember what I came in for so I'll look at my list, I'll walk to the end of the aisle and by the time I get their I will have forgotten again. I think all the noise and commotion and busyness is too much for my brain to take in. It usually ends with me getting frustrated that I can't find anything and I can't remember that I leave with only two of my three things. This also results in me going to the store like every other day because I always always forget something.

This is just a little sampling of unrelated related things. There are hundreds, thousands probably. I can list more but honestly I'm tired and I can't concentrate because I'm grieving, so I'm going to stop writing now.

P.S. when one says they are grieving they do not necessarily mean they are laying on the floor crying. They mean more things like I listed above. That is what grieving looks like, Even when you are happy you are grieving, even when you are laughing you are grieving. 

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle




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