17 years
17 years ago today I was 19. Dan was 20. It was my best friends 18th birthday. And we were all in a wedding. My wedding. Against all comments of "your so young" "there's time you can wait" "young marriages don't last" and my personal favorite a co worker of my dads bet him $100 we wouldn't last 2 years. That guy still owes us money. We knew all this and we got married anyway. We were too in love not to. We knew we were going to be together forever so we didn't see why it mattered if we got married now or after college. We were so happy you could see the joy oozing out out our pores. It was a simple wedding with tons of family and friends. I accidentally hit a four year old girl in the face with my bouquet. We danced to our song, the song Dan heard on the radio after he dropped me off at my house on our first date. "It's your love" by Tim McGraw and faith Hill. "Better then I was, more then I am, and all of it happened by taking your hand. Who I am now is who I wanted to be and now that were together I'm stronger then ever I'm happy and free" Dan said that perfectly describes him. It perfectly describes me too. It was each others love that brought out the best in us.
We never made a huge deal on our anniversary. We would go out to dinner, maybe see a movie, He would always buy me roses. Every five years we tried to do something special. (We love history and old things in case you don't pick up on that in this paragraph.) For our five year anniversary we took a five day trip to eastern Oregon. We hiked and found fossils and looked at the beauty of the land. The first night we camped and their were so many bugs we ate our dinner inside the tent. We stayed in bed and breakfasts for the rest of the trip. For our 10 year anniversary We went to an old historic town called Port Townsend. It was full of old Victorian houses. We love Victorian houses and were content to walk around and look at architecture. Baby girl was 3 and it was the first time we had left her for more then one night. For our 15 year anniversary we were going to go to central California to Hurst Castle a lifelong dream of mine, but in the end we decided to save that for our 20th anniversary and we went to the historic town of Astoria instead. We went to museums and got matching tattoos (tattoos are another one of our hobbies) Dan got a red bird on his left foot and I got a purple bird on my right. That way we were always flying toward each other. They were in a vintage tattoo style and when I posted the photo on face book I said we had been married so long we were vintage. We had a fantastic anniversary.
By our 16 year anniversary Dan had been dead for 7 months. I could barley breathe and spent the weekend crying on my friends shoulder,
Today is our 17 year anniversary. I am still as in love with him as I was on our wedding day. Dan has been dead for 19 months and 2 days. The last two anniversary's I've spent without him. How does that even work? Are we still married? I still feel married. I cringe every time I have to check the widow box on forms (and when your husband dies you have to fill out a lot of forms. Still) It's even worse when they don't have a widow box and you have to check other.
I didn't make any real plans except I got a babysitter so I could do whatever I wanted. I couldn't decide what to do. If Dan were here we would have gone to the city wide garage sale and looked for treasures. We would have had a wonderful day doing that. So because I couldn't think of anything else that is what I did. Except like everything it was without Dan. I saw a million things he would have been interested in and I just gave them a passing glance. We were always interested in the same thing: antiques. We had a goal of furnishing our whole house in antiques. I don't think I have that goal anymore. I still like them, I still appreciate them for what they are, but somehow the joy has gone out of them. It's not as fun to find treasure anymore. Dan's not here to say "wow good job were did you find that?" or "why does it matter that we don't have room for it, its awesome, were buying it" So I found myself halfheartedly. perhaps nonheartedly is a better description going to garage sales. It was hot and I thought people were pretty rude. Didn't they know this was my wedding anniversary with my dead husband. Some times I wish they would bring back mourning clothes (but that is for a different blog) So I ended up tired and frustrated and going home earlier then I had expected cause I was done with today. I probably should have gone and got a pedicure instead. Dan didn't like pedicures.
In the end it's my wedding anniversary and I miss my husband. 
We never made a huge deal on our anniversary. We would go out to dinner, maybe see a movie, He would always buy me roses. Every five years we tried to do something special. (We love history and old things in case you don't pick up on that in this paragraph.) For our five year anniversary we took a five day trip to eastern Oregon. We hiked and found fossils and looked at the beauty of the land. The first night we camped and their were so many bugs we ate our dinner inside the tent. We stayed in bed and breakfasts for the rest of the trip. For our 10 year anniversary We went to an old historic town called Port Townsend. It was full of old Victorian houses. We love Victorian houses and were content to walk around and look at architecture. Baby girl was 3 and it was the first time we had left her for more then one night. For our 15 year anniversary we were going to go to central California to Hurst Castle a lifelong dream of mine, but in the end we decided to save that for our 20th anniversary and we went to the historic town of Astoria instead. We went to museums and got matching tattoos (tattoos are another one of our hobbies) Dan got a red bird on his left foot and I got a purple bird on my right. That way we were always flying toward each other. They were in a vintage tattoo style and when I posted the photo on face book I said we had been married so long we were vintage. We had a fantastic anniversary.
By our 16 year anniversary Dan had been dead for 7 months. I could barley breathe and spent the weekend crying on my friends shoulder,
Today is our 17 year anniversary. I am still as in love with him as I was on our wedding day. Dan has been dead for 19 months and 2 days. The last two anniversary's I've spent without him. How does that even work? Are we still married? I still feel married. I cringe every time I have to check the widow box on forms (and when your husband dies you have to fill out a lot of forms. Still) It's even worse when they don't have a widow box and you have to check other.
I didn't make any real plans except I got a babysitter so I could do whatever I wanted. I couldn't decide what to do. If Dan were here we would have gone to the city wide garage sale and looked for treasures. We would have had a wonderful day doing that. So because I couldn't think of anything else that is what I did. Except like everything it was without Dan. I saw a million things he would have been interested in and I just gave them a passing glance. We were always interested in the same thing: antiques. We had a goal of furnishing our whole house in antiques. I don't think I have that goal anymore. I still like them, I still appreciate them for what they are, but somehow the joy has gone out of them. It's not as fun to find treasure anymore. Dan's not here to say "wow good job were did you find that?" or "why does it matter that we don't have room for it, its awesome, were buying it" So I found myself halfheartedly. perhaps nonheartedly is a better description going to garage sales. It was hot and I thought people were pretty rude. Didn't they know this was my wedding anniversary with my dead husband. Some times I wish they would bring back mourning clothes (but that is for a different blog) So I ended up tired and frustrated and going home earlier then I had expected cause I was done with today. I probably should have gone and got a pedicure instead. Dan didn't like pedicures.
In the end it's my wedding anniversary and I miss my husband.
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