The Hard, Cold, Truth.

 So I'm reading this book about Grief.  It is one of very very few grief books I actually liked and found useful.  In fact I love it even though it's all about grief.  The book is called "It's ok that you're not ok" by Megan Devine.  You can buy it on Amazon.

There is pretty much one reason that sums up why I love this book. It tells the truth. It tells the Hard, Cold, Truth. It actually talks about grief and how awful it is, how every day is a struggle to survive. Cause it is. It doesn't try to sugar coat anything or find the silver lining. It doesn't tell you to start a foundation in your loved one's name to make you feel better about their death. Instead it says why should you feel better, your life has imploded, it's going to suck, and thats ok.

I was reading her book the other day and I came across a passage that really spoke to me.  This I said this! I have felt like this so many times. More times then I want to admit. More times then I've told anybody about (In my recollection I haven't told anybody).  Even now, two years and nine months later, sometimes I still feel this way, although I will admit it is a lot less.  I am part of her on line grief group and I posted this thought in the group and highlighted the passage I was referring to.  Every comment said something to the effect of "me too" I feel this way too... several people even said it was so taboo they were even afraid to tell there therapist (I can't remember if I've told mine or not)  My comment before I highlighted the passage said "This is what I wish the world knew, this is what I want to tell them, but I'm afraid to." I was afraid to post it on my regular feed, afraid to tell people the truth.  But then I thought  SCREW THAT. This is what the world needs to hear, this is what so many people wishes others could understand, so I'm going to write a blog about it. (Perhaps I don't have the most sound judgement in the middle of the night. Perhaps I do, I guess we will find out)

Are you ready? Do you want to hear the passage? One of the most taboo thoughts that go along with grief? The thing that nobody will talk about, not even with their therapists?

Megan Divine writes:

"For many people continuing to wake up each morning is a disappointment. Damn I'm still alive. Thoughts like that make perfect sense.

        Feeling like you'd rather not wake up in the morning is normal in grief, and it doesn't mean your suicidal. Not wanting to be alive is not the same thing as wanting to be dead. It's hard to tell non grieving people that..."

A few sentences later she writes

"Sometimes you do not care one bit whether you live or die. Not because you're actively suicidal, but because you simply do not care."

That's it. That's it exactly. I simply did not care, if I live k I guess, if I die, well at least I'll be with Dan.  It is a really complex feeling not caring. At least for me. I've said before apart from that dead husband thing I have a really good life. I have a family that loves me unconditionally and I know would take care of me. Both my family and my husbands family would do anything for me. I have the most wonderful kick ass, amazing daughter, that I do love more then life itself. I have so many friends they are coming out my ears. I have a great home. Before he died it was even better. 

But see that die thing, it's a big thing, in many ways it voids out all the other great things. He was my soul, he was my life, he meant everything to me. Then one night, out of nowhere he died. I just stood there and watched the love of my life die. Then I stopped caring whether I lived or died. I just didn't care. I knew I should care, I knew all those other great things in my life to care about were still there, I just didn't care. It made no difference to me weather I lived or died, I didn't care. Sometimes I think the only thing saving me from going from not caring to actually wanting to be dead was that I thought Baby Girl might care a little, I thought she might need her mommy.  And sometimes I still didn't care.

For months? a year? more then a year? I would wake up every day and think "Damn I'm still alive" I was continually surprised. I couldn't (really I still can't) fathom how he can be dead and I can still be alive.  I don't know how my heart is still beating when it is so completely shattered.  It doesn't make any sense. Why don't I just drift off in my sleep? Why don't I just wake up in heaven with Dan holding me? Why am I still alive?

One more time just to be clear. I DO NOT want to kill myself. I AM NOT suicidal.  I am grieving my soul mate, my prince charming, we were going to spend our whole lives together.  That is gone and it makes it really hard to care about anything else. 

But you know what helps, other people feel this way too. In fact this book helped me get that it is normal to feel this way. This is just one passage from this book, however it is full of the reality of grief. The grief that nobody wants to talk about. The grief that is scary to admit but so many people feel. I wrote this blog partly to face my own fear, partly to help people understand grief better, because frankly most people do a crappy ass job of dealing with grief whether their own or someone else's.  I think Megan Devine feels the same way, I think that may be why she wrote this book. 

P.S. I threw my baby kitty in the picture for cuteness. The book does not come with a free baby kitty. Go read it anyway.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle