I want to lay on the floor

I feel like it's a laying on the floor kind of night. I don't know why exactly, nothing big happened, nothing significant. Just the same old grief I've had for over two and a half years now.  ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh let's go lay on the floor.

I laid on the floor a lot after Dan died. Just laid on the floor. When the grief was to consuming, or life was too hard, I would just stop in my tracks and lay on the floor. If the dishes looked to huge, or I noticed his keys on the hook, If I wanted to cry, I would have this huge need to lay on the floor.  If my besties were around (which they were a lot, man I love them) they would say "do it" and they would come sit with me while I laid on the floor. If my sisters were around (which they were a lot, they know I love them) they would say "why are we on the floor" as they came and laid next to me. I usually said something like "why not" as I laid on the floor and cried. Baby Girl would just ignore her crazy momma.

I needed to lay on the floor. You know the unvacuumed, dirty, stained, rough carpet that was my floor, thats what I wanted to be on. It had to be the floor. I never really thought about why exactly until now. The couch, a bed, a chair, those were too 'up'. They were still living, they were still a part of the world. Not the floor. Nothing happens on the floor, everything stops. You are not expected to carry on a conversation on the floor. You don't have to hold in tears on the floor. You don't have to move, you don't have to do. Everything just stops when you lay on the floor. Ya it was a good place to be. 

I did this regularly after Dan died. Usually I was able to keep in my own house but sometimes I would go to the bathroom at my in-laws or my dads just so I could lay on the floor. Occasionally I ended up on the floor of a store. Oddly no one ever asked me what I was doing or if I was ok.  When I say regularly I mean several times a day. I don't remember doing it less but I supposed I did because It got less and less that I was on the floor. 


I did it a lot less when we moved out of our old house. When we were living with Dan's parents for awhile I would lay on their floor. The floor in there living room with the plush clean carpet. The floor in front of the fireplace, when we would go visit Dan would make fires just so we could sit in front of a cozy fire on a cold night. The floor where Dan and Baby Girl wrestled and wrestled and wrestled while we all sat around and laughed at the pre schooler in jammies and a tutu beating up her daddy.

Ready, here it comes, crazy widow confession time. Really, it makes me look crazy.  Someone in my grief group asked me the other night what I missed most about our old house. Guess what I said? Laying on the floor, what I miss most about our old house is laying on the floor.  Not just anywhere on the floor but 'that' spot. You see here's the thing, Dan died in that house, on that floor, in 'that' spot.  I know exactly where it was, I know exactly what angle he was laying at when they showed me. That's a memory that will never go away.  I used to lay in that spot. Lay where he last laid. I guess I was trying to feel closer to him. All his clothes in the closet wouldn't do. The bed we slept in next to each other for the last seven years wouldn't do. I had to lay in that spot. Part of me wished or hoped or thought if I could just lay in that spot maybe his body would magically appear there, maybe his arms would wrap themselves around me and he would whisper in my ear "It alright Jennifer, I'm here, I'm here" Maybe it I laid in the last spot he did, maybe, maybe something, maybe I would break the curse and we could go back to happily ever after.

Definitely makes me look crazy.

In our new house I don't lay on the floor as often. There's not a good place here. There's definitely not 'that' spot. Plus my floors are hardwood and cold. I am busy in this house, busy putting one foot in front of the other, busy being in the 'up' world. But occasionally I just want to go ehhhhhhhhhhhhh to life and go lay on the floor, just stop, just wait, just be on the floor.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle