Really grief is all about me.





"Baby Girl is getting braces tomorrow"I told my therapist when she asked how Baby Girl was doing.  "Dan's not going to be there. He's missing this huge step again. I won't be sending him a text of our kid with braces. I didn't even ask him his opinion on braces. That is a huge parental decision to just make on your own like that." I guess I know what Dan would say about braces.  His teeth were slightly crooked and his parents decided it wasn't a big enough deal to get braces. He always regretted their decision. He wanted braces.  I had braces for two and a half years, my teeth were seriously messed up. head gear, retainers, the works. I hated every single minute of it and am still not convinced it was worth it. Baby Girls teeth are pretty messed up. I'm certain Dan would have wanted her to get braces, but I didn't get to ask him. He didn't get to have a say, he didn't tell me the story of how he always wished he had gotten them. He doesn't get to deal with her sore mouth tomorrow.

"You say that a lot" my therapist explained, "Dan is missing this or Dan is missing that, Do you think Dan is sad that he's missing everything." Well thats an interesting question isn't it.  I wholeheartedly believe Dan is kicking it in Heaven with Jesus and having an awesome time at that. You know that fairly traditional heaven where there's no sadness, no pain, no suffering, no regret, no time, no missing out on things. None of those pesky problems us earth bound people have. So no, in that sense Dan isn't missing anything. Dan isn't sad that he's missing braces. Dan is partying with Jesus.

"So what do you mean when you say Dan is missing everything?" Therapists, seriously. What do I mean? I mean it's all about me. I am sad Dan is missing this. I am sad that I can't text Dan pictures of braces. I am sad that Dan won't be here to help with her sore mouth. I am sad that Dan is missing everything. Dan's not sad.

Baby Girl got in trouble the other night. It was one of those things where you know it was bad and your talking sternly and shaking your finger and telling her not to do it again. Then you run into the kitchen and cover your mouth so she doesn't hear you laughing at how ridiculous it is. Dan missed it, rather I missed doing it with Dan. We weren't in the kitchen together burying our faces in each others shoulder to muffle the laughter. I didn't role my eyes and say 'the gull of that kid, you know she gets it from you' Ok I might have done that anyway but Dan wasn't here to defend himself, there was no one saying "hu uh babe she gets that from you." I didn't get to hear his voice, I didn't get to here his smart ass remark about our smart ass kid. I miss that, Dan doesn't miss that.

"Your sad that your not doing it together?" she asks. Ding, ding ding. Exactly, I am sad that Dan is not here with me, not here with us. I am sad, I miss Dan, it's really all about me.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

Comments

  1. Emma PascaleOctober 18, 2017 at 9:47 PM

    It is always all about us... us and our egos... and our egos are fragile - especially now. I would probably like and hate your therapist in equal measure.

    ReplyDelete

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