Kicking ass (or something)





I went into therapy today pretty proud of myself.  "Baby Girl and I are kicking moving's ass" I told her. Then I elaborated. We are adjusting really well to our new house.  There were no anxiety attacks or panic attacks for either of us. So far I don't feel overwhelmed with all the 'housekeeping' duties that I had a 10 month break from. Baby Girl has even slept in her own bed. We love our house. We feel good. We are getting unpacked and settled in. We're going to get a hamster. We are kicking ass.

That was the beginning of therapy. By the middle I was in tears. By the end I was so emotionally drained I wanted to sleep forever.  So what happened? Again, nothing and everything, the same old yet continually shocking thing. Dan didn't move with us. Well I suppose technically he did since I have is ashes in an urn in my china cabinet, but it's not quite the same. 

"I don't know what to do with his stuff" I keep telling everyone. You know his stuff. When we moved out of our old house and in with his parents virtually everything went into storage. Now it's coming out of storage and I don't know where to put it. His hair ties. I wrote about that last week. you can read it here. We used to have a little dresser right when you walked in the door, On it was a blue bowl. Dan would come home and put his wallet, keys, spare change, notes on scrap paper, whatever he had in his pockets into that bowl. I have the dresser, I have the bowl, I have the wallet and keys. They don't go there anymore. Dan doesn't need a bowl to put his junk in,  he's not here. They're in a box under my bed instead. He doesn't need an entire trunk to put his papers in (Dan was a paper hoarder)  so what do I do with the trunk?  So many things like that.

Really the crux of the problem is the same as it has been for about a month. Now What? What do I do?  We are kicking ass, I miss Dan so much I don't know how I can breathe. I am happy, I am inconsolably sad. I told my therapist that in essence being happy without Dan is wrong. She thought that was funny, she seems to think it's possible to be happy without the love of your life. I don't know how to describe it, it is this weird kind of limbo. How can you be happy when your soul mate is gone and all you want in the whole world is to touch him again? How can you be sad when your Baby Girl smiles at you with freckles on her nose and her daddy's eyes and says "your the best mommy in the whole world" I don't know how either, I don't know how you can be happy and sad at the same time, but I know you can because I am all the time. 

So what do I do now? Keep living life? It feels more like life is living and I am being swept along with it. I have no choice but to move along with it or drown.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on castle

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