Boy Stuff and Buffy
Then my boy died. They never had a good chance to really get to know him. Dan being an extreme introvert was sometimes hard to get to know. After Dan died my besties were at my house almost constantly, for awhile everyone was, then people started to fade. The besties didn't fade, instead they said tings like "I'll send my husband over tomorrow to fix that for you." "Next time were here I'll make my husband look at that" I started to joke that the boys were going to start to regret that their wives ever became friends with me. Now, like so many people, they have to pic up the slack for Dan, now they have to fix broken stuff at their house and mine. My husband dying gave them a lot of extra work to do. They fix my vacuum, they put in a laminate floor, they lift heavy boxes for me, fixed my washing machine, you know boy stuff.
Somewhere in all the grief the besties decided that Saturday nights were bad nights to be alone. I think they figured that most people spend Saturdays doing family things or actually getting a baby sitter and going on a date with their husbands. I didn't have that anymore. So they decided that Saturdays were going to be bbq at Jenny's house days. This meant that they all came over, brought all the food, hung out with me (mostly while I cried) and then cleaned everything up and went home. It was a pretty good deal for me, I didn't have to do anything and I didn't have to try and figure out entertainment for me and baby Girl.
Bbq nights have been on hiatus because of my lack of house. But a couple weeks ago a shinny new bbq magically appeared in my back yard. I think it was a hint that we should have a bbq. So tonight we did, the first one in a very long time. I've gotten in the habit of just telling those boys their 'chores' to do when they come over, "ok boys, I need you to set up the new bbq and make the hamburgers." "Hey if you boys are bored the fire pit I got the other day needs to be put together" "I don't know how to set the thermostat can one of you do it." They've gotten used to just doing it for me, I wonder if the wives give them a lecture in the car "just fix whatever she asks you to, remember she doesn't have a husband anymore, you have to do it." or something like that.
Dan was what one would call an intellectual. Extremely smart, actually loved school. I'm pretty sure he would have gone to school forever, he wanted to get like four doctorates. He would have if he had had more time. Read a ton, loved having deep conversations with people, and actually really enjoyed hanging out with kids. Dan was NOT what you would call a handy man. He COULD fix things if push came to shove and he had to, but he didn't really like to and he was the best procrastinator I have ever seen. I actually kinda enjoy fixing and making things, so I mostly did it. In our 15 year marriage I did the vast majority of the 'handy man stuff' However Dan did always have more 'man muscle' then me and often I would call him into where I was working to tighten this screw or loosen that one, or hold this heavy thing. Once we got baby Girl a bed on craigslist. It was a complicated bed to put together and it took me longer then anticipated. Dan came into the room and said "you know I bet we could look up directions on the internet." "eh what fun would that be" I replied. He gave me a 'ya my wife is different look' and said "you know I actually think you believe that." Well ya.
One of my besties, knowing full well Dan was an intellectual and not a handy man asked me tonight
"How many of the man things would Dan have done tonight if he were here? Or would you have simply been in a better mindset to do it?" Good question huh.
Yes I would have absolutely positively been in a better mindset to do it. In case you don't know grieving (which yes I am still smack in the middle of after two years) sucks all your energy and all your brain power. One way to describe it is like you are just getting over the worst flew you have ever had. You've spent the last two days vomiting and now since you are 'better' you are expected to go back to work. Except your still recovering and you get tired easy, you find yourself sitting down more, taking more breaks, just feeling blah, you walk up a flight of stairs and it winds you. Grief does all these things to you, they did them all to me just today. I was helping my sister move today (dude I had a busy day) and I found myself doing all these things. I found myself searching for the lightest boxes or the smallest things to carry because I just didn't have the strength or energy to do more. It is extremely frustrating to me because once again I didn't used to be this way. Put simply I used to be able to just do more.
How many man things would Dan have done? Well, he definitely wouldn't have put the fire pit together, but at the same time I would have done it myself days ago when I bought it because going to the store and buying it didn't used to be a herculean feat for me, I would have had energy to put it together when I got it home. He absolutely would have programed the thermostat, he was always in charge of that, which is probably why I don't know how. "you would make it too warm" he would say. He wouldn't have been wrong. Starting up the bbq and cooking hamburgers, well if wasn't his favorite thing in the world, but he would have done it if I had asked him to. I might have needed to bribe him with a kiss.
I know for sure he would have done these things... He would have refereed children. He would have chased our toddler that we are supposed to have around. He would have asked me to make him a drink. He would have gotten down the paper cups for me. He would have mowed the lawn for me in preparation, even though he had terrible terrible hay fever, mowing the lawn was his job. He would have played with Baby Girl. He would have hidden out in our room for awhile. He would have ran to the store and bought ice. He would have looked at me, I would have looked at him. We would have talked in husband wife code. He would have told me to leave all the dishes, that he would take care of them when he got up in the morning (he was a morning person) He would have helped me put our kids (yes plural) to bed. But the best part is we would be sitting on the couch right now, next to each other, my head on his chest, watching Buffy.
I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle
Comments
Post a Comment