Boycotting





I'm going to write about my mother in law, Pat because it's mothers day.  I am certain she loves me enough to forgive me later.  She loves me an awful lot.

I have a video from the mothers day before Dan died. We were driving to meet Dan's parents for dinner, baby girl was bored so she was video taping herself making funny faces on daddy's phone. You can hear Dan and I talking in the background. Dan "We need to stop at the store and get something for my mom"  Me "No we don't" Dan, "Yes we do we have to at least get her a card." Me, "No we don't, I got her a card days ago, it's in my purse all you need to do is write in it." Dan "Dang your good" Me "I know."

"I'm boycotting mothers day" Pat said the first mothers day after Dan died. She didn't want flowers, or acknowledgement, or brunch out. She just wanted to pretend it didn't exist. I think thats fair. This is where family's get complicated.  Technically, Dan is her only child. Dan is the only child of his parents together. Dan has five step brothers from his dad's previous marriages.  Pat loves them dearly as if they were hers, but Dan was her only child she gave birth to and raised from the day he was born.  He was also the youngest. I don't think I'm surprising any of the family when I say he was her favorite.  They had a very special bond, I'm pretty sure they talked every day in some form or another.

This worked out very well for me when Dan and I started dating. Only having boys in the family, Pat was excited to have a girl she could buy "girly presents" for.  One of the first presents she got me was a stuffed animal, a cat, I still have it today. I remember her saying how happy she was she could buy "fun stuff now" and not boring boy stuff.  We got along really well from the beginning.

I am in a lot of grief groups these days and there is story after story from widows about how when their husband died, their in laws more or less disowned him.  My in laws don't have this in them. They wouldn't know how to disown me, They have done nothing but love and spoil me since the second I walked in their door 18 some years ago. After Dan died, Baby Girl and I had to move out of our house. The very first thing Dan's parents said to me was "Move in with us, We will take care of you." and they did. They are just as much parents to me as my own parents are.

"I'm boycotting mothers day" I get that, I sorta want to boycott mothers day too, after all my husbands not here to tell me what a great mom I am to his children. Thats bad, but it's not the same as having your only child be dead on mothers day. No doubt if he were here he would have zirpeted your cheek, written you a funny witty sentimental poem (I am telling you he was fantastic at those). Embarrassed you on face book and we would have all gone out to eat. It's not the same and I know it.

The first mothers day all the other kids went in on a present together, before we knew she wanted to boycott. So we took it over the day before mothers day and gave her a non mothers day present.  Last year we boycotted. This year we were boycotting, but we all went to their house last night for boycotting icecream.  And on the counter were presents for all the daughter in laws.  "Uhhhhhhhhhh I thought we were boycotting" we pretty much said in unison. "Ya well......" said Pat.  Uh we didn't get our mother a present for mothers day, we thought we were boycotting.

Now I'm gonna get all sentimental, even though I'm not very good at that, and not half the writer your son was. I love you Pat, I love you like you were my own mother, if you don't know that by now your not as smart as I think you are.  I have always loved you that much. The other boys  and daughter in laws love you. They are not Dan, I am not Dan, but you are very much our mother.  Your grandchildren adore you (Baby Girl is certain shes your favorite, I'm not gonna argue with her about it)

You raised such a loving, wonderful, sensitive, witty, strong, intelligent, (I could go on forever) son that I fell head over heels in love with him immediately and that hasn't changed in 15 years of marriage and two years of him being gone.  You raised a man that the world is heartbroken to have lost. The world is a lesser place without him in it, you did that, you made that, all I did was know a good thing when I saw it and snag him. (of course his Dad helped too, but today it's bout you.)  Dan was the person he was because of you.

I have known you since I was 16 years old, you practically raised me too.  I love you. You are my mother.

I wrote a book about my grief: you can read it here: Carry on Castle

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

PTSD is not for sissys

Image
Do you know what PTSD is? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I bet you think you do.  You might say something like "ya its what people that go off to war have" true. You might say "It's when people see really terrible things" true. A few really smart people might say "ya my friend watched her beloved husband die and now she has it" very true. If you are a mental health professional you might say "ya a child who all of a sudden has a dad who dies will have it" also true.  I was telling a friend once about how life is now without Dan and she said "wow it's almost like you have PTSD or something." No not almost, we do. But what exactly is it? Well it's complicated. I can't describe it for baby girl because I am not in her mind (unfortunately) but I can try and describe it for me. I am hesitant to do so; it's not an easy thing to talk about, But if we are going on a the point of this blog is to be therapeutic for me and h
Read more

The Floor

Image
I pulled him off of our bed and onto the floor. The 911 dispatcher told me to. She said it would help him breathe. I grabbed his ankles and pulled hard on his legs. He fell to the floor with a loud thump. I gasped at the loudness of it, but he didn’t move on his own at all. He didn't shake his head and say, “Ow, what’d you pull me off the bed for?” He didn't do anything. He just laid there. She told me to lift his neck up to help him breathe. I tried, but it was hard to move him, and I didn't want to hurt him.  I put my head on his chest again and again, I couldn’t tell if he was breathing, I couldn’t tell if that was his heartbeat or mine that I heard as he laid on the floor.  “Daddy! Wrestle with me!” she would shout, as she jumped into him and they landed on the floor. It was their favorite game. She would pound him and he would exaggerate the impact, clutching his stomach and lifting his legs in the air.  “You got me good, baby girl!” he would tell her. She would grin i
Read more

Milestones in grief

Image
                                                                Dan and I around 2011 I wrote this for a writing contest about milestones. Writing about every grief milestone would take a book and I had a word limit so I couldn't do that. I tried to do the really big ones. I have not had a particularly eventful life. When I was eight, my parents moved, but they took me with them. At ten, I had a pretty bad accident, but I came out of it fine. My husband and I met at sixteen, and at nineteen, we went against all good advice and got married. I gave birth to our daughter when I was 27.   I loved our boring, normal life. We were living our happily ever after. I was a stay at home mom, Dan was finishing up grad school. Everyone says this kind of thing at funerals, but Dan really was the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my life. He wanted to save the world: the people, the animals, the ecosystem. He wanted to make the world better, and he was. I loved our little family and couldn
Read more