Carry on Castle: Living with Grief

So I have these three best friends. For about four years now we have communicated with each other on a daily basis. We try to hang out often, I think we would prefer everyday but we average about once a week.  They of course all have husbands and kids. I had that once too.  We never really brought the husbands on our excursions, they were generally at work, or didn't want to hang out with a bunch of women and kids.  But occasionally we would all have a bbq together or something. I guess my point is the boys did not know each other nearly as well as the girls did, the boys were not besties. Then my boy died. They never had a good chance to really get to know him. Dan being an extreme introvert was sometimes hard to get to know. After Dan died my besties were at my house almost constantly, for awhile everyone was, then people started to fade. The besties didn't fade, instead they said tings like "I'll send my husband over tomorrow to fix that for you." "Next ...

"I don't wanna play this game anymore"  was it a scream, or a shout?  A mumble or a whisper? Just my plain everyday voice? Was it cracked and broken like I haven't talked in weeks? Like I was in the middle of the desert in desperate need of water? I don't know, I don't remember how I said it, but I remember saying it. "I don't wanna play this game anymore" It's what little kids say when the game isn't going their way, when they aren't winning, when they're losing. They say "I don't wanna play this game anymore" and they storm off in a huff. My friends and I use this phrase in adulthood when things aren't going our way. When something large and expensive breaks or we're having a really crappy day. The other friend counters with something like "ya screw this game lets go to hawaii." Nobody countered me this time.  I don't think they wanted to play this game anymore either. "I don't wa...

I did a wonderful thing today. It was so great I'm still excited about it. It took courage but I honestly believed it was in my best interest (and Baby Girls too). I went grocery shopping! I know it sounds like I'm joking but I'm not.  I haven't been grocery shopping, like real come out with a cart full of food grocery shopping in a year and a half.  For real.  We were living with my in-laws for the last ten months and my mother in law bless her golden heart did all the grocery shopping. Before that I was in a food program for people "trying to get back on their feet" for lack of a better term. I got in it because my husband died. Before that I avoided grocery shopping as much as humanly possible.  (more on that in a minute) before that (when Dan was alive) I went shopping every couple weeks at our local chain discount grocery store. A pain sure, but really no big deal, thats what everyone did, go to the store and buy groceries, like every other normal fam...

I kind of don't like the title of this post. Mostly because I don't like the word breakthrough. I think it has this connotation with it that once you've had a breakthrough everything will be fine. Life will be unicorns and rainbows, like seeing the light or coming to Jesus. (small tangent, coming to Jesus does not mean your life will be perfect. Dan and I believe very much in Jesus and look what happened.) Having a breakthrough doesn't really mean anything, if perchance you saw the light it was only for one gleaming second, a glimpse, a small air hole in a gigantic tunnel, not the end of the tunnel.  Since I actual did think I saw said small air hole in my tunnel and it rhymes with breakdown, which we have all the bloody time over here, I'm gonna go with it. Breakdown: We live about a mile away from our old house. Our old house is off of a fairly busy street which we drive down regularly. We were driving home from Doughy Center (a support group for kids who have l...

"Well I guess I need to know your definition of stable" My psychiatrist said after I laughed when she told me how stable I was and how great I was doing. I go see her for 'medication management' she gives me anti depressants and anxiety medication. I started taking them a year after Dan died because I was not feeling stable.  Whats stable? uhhhh I can tell you what it's not. It's not this. It's not waking up at 3am regularly just because. It's not being on anti depressants and anxiety medication.  "Your Husband died right in front of you and you've moved twice and you are still here thats stable"  she tells me. Ya, you have a point, thats some big stuff and I am still here. I show up, I have no choice not to. I guess to me being stable means 'having your shit together'.  I used to be the queen of 'having my shit together' of being on top of things.  I used to know about every school event, about every church event. appoi...

I'm going to write about my mother in law, Pat because it's mothers day.  I am certain she loves me enough to forgive me later.  She loves me an awful lot. I have a video from the mothers day before Dan died. We were driving to meet Dan's parents for dinner, baby girl was bored so she was video taping herself making funny faces on daddy's phone. You can hear Dan and I talking in the background. Dan "We need to stop at the store and get something for my mom"  Me "No we don't" Dan, "Yes we do we have to at least get her a card." Me, "No we don't, I got her a card days ago, it's in my purse all you need to do is write in it." Dan "Dang your good" Me "I know." "I'm boycotting mothers day" Pat said the first mothers day after Dan died. She didn't want flowers, or acknowledgement, or brunch out. She just wanted to pretend it didn't exist. I think thats fair. This is where family...

Apparently I like to Blog. I do it a lot. It's either that or I have no one to tell my random stories to so I just tell the world instead of the one person I really wish would hear them.  However some times I'm tired and I don't want to sit up and type. I just want to lay in bed in the dark and talk. I don't get to have that luxury anymore. I have no one to talk to. So I type instead.  Dan always said I wrote papers just as if I was talking to someone. Uh K. Not sure I see a lot of difference, I mean it's not as if I'm trying to write a professional scholarly article, I'm just typing. He said he liked the way I wrote because it sounded like I was just sitting there talking to him. I wish I were sitting here talking to him. I started hanging up stuff on the walls in our new house.  The picture above is a... ok well I don't know the technical name but it's one of those things life guards hold, It helps them save people like a giant floaty. I'm ...

I went into therapy today pretty proud of myself.  "Baby Girl and I are kicking moving's ass" I told her. Then I elaborated. We are adjusting really well to our new house.  There were no anxiety attacks or panic attacks for either of us. So far I don't feel overwhelmed with all the 'housekeeping' duties that I had a 10 month break from. Baby Girl has even slept in her own bed. We love our house. We feel good. We are getting unpacked and settled in. We're going to get a hamster. We are kicking ass. That was the beginning of therapy. By the middle I was in tears. By the end I was so emotionally drained I wanted to sleep forever.  So what happened? Again, nothing and everything, the same old yet continually shocking thing. Dan didn't move with us. Well I suppose technically he did since I have is ashes in an urn in my china cabinet, but it's not quite the same.  "I don't know what to do with his stuff" I keep telling everyone. You...

I went to therapy. I do that every week. It's this whole I'm still trying to deal with my husband being dead thing.  I'm starting to dislike therapy, ok thats not really true, therapy is always good. Everybody go to therapy. but the last few sessions have been pretty intense and it's hard. I can't precisely put my finger on it. It has to do with life being really good, because it is. I have a good life, I always have. The problem comes in having a good life while I miss Dan so intensely it feels unbearable. It sounds so simple, but it's so complicated. I miss Dan. "well your heartbroken"  my therapist says, Yes exactly, I say through tears, I am so heartbroken, it physically hurts everyday even two years and three months later. We were not a couple who had grown apart, we didn't fight,  we weren't mad, or angry, or bitter at each other. We were madly in love with each other, like a fairy tale. Happily ever after. And then we weren't...