This isn't working, I think it's working, It's definitely working, just not today.

Baby Girl is my Baby Girl. She is the light in my eyes. She was everything to her daddy and I. To say we adored her is an understatement. We loved her more then life itself. I still do, I would give up my life in an instant to save hers. I know her daddy feels the same way, I know he would have given his life up to save her, or me for that matter. It wouldn't have even taken any thought, he just would have done it. That's the kind of guy Dan was, the warrior poet, he would lay down his life for somebody else in a heart beat.

I honestly have to say I think when he got to heaven he was a bit dissapointed that thats not how his story went. He didn't die saving a child from a burning building, or rescuing people from a car accident, he didn't talk down a shooter a save lives at peril to his own (he would have been great at that one) He didn't give a liver or a kidney to someone. He wasn't saving the damsel in distress. I know thats how he would have wanted to die, he talked about it many times. He never said he wanted to die from a stupid siezure, that didn't help anybody.  I'm getting side tracked.

I can't really say who has taken his death harder, Baby Girl or myself. We have handled it in almost completely opposite ways. I will talk to anyone who will listen. I will tell the internet just to get it out.  Baby Girl won't talk to a soul, Baby Girl will barely mention his name. Baby Girl adored her daddy more then anyone in the world. I'm certain he would be sad to hear how his death has affected her.  I am telling everyone how hard it is. She is pretending everything is fine.  Everything is so far from fine. About two months ago I made an extremely hard  and thought out decision to put Baby Girl on anti-depressants. Shes only 9, shes depressed, because her dad is dead. You can read about that here if you want.

It takes about a month for the medication to start working. We went into the Dr. for a check up and she asked me if I noticed anything  yet.  Uh maybe, kind of, I think so. She's talking more, not about her dad of course but just more, more chatter. I think she is more engaged, she doesn't seem to be in her own little world as much.  So it's doing something.  It is not helping with her anxiety which is sky high and has been ever since it magically appeared the day her dad died. It's not helping with her depression. This is what I told the Dr. She upped the dosage.

We went back to the Dr. today and she asked me if I thought it was helping. Absolutely, It is helping a lot. She went to a slumber party with her friends, she hasn't done that in at least six months. I explained to the mom in charge how she has bad anxiety especially at night and to please just call me if Baby Girl asks to call me. Nobody called, I picked her up the next day and she had had a great time.  She told one of her little friends that she went to play therapy. Thats huge, I know it sounds ridiculous but it's huge, shes never told any of her friends that before, she goes to great lengths (and I mean great) to be normal, and according to Baby Girl play therapy doesn't fit into that.  Usually when I take her to school every morning I have to walk her into her class and let her get all settled before she reluctantly says goodbye.  The last week she has said goodbye in the hall and even said twice that I could drop her off at the curb. Thats huge.  I had parent teacher conferences and her teacher told me how great she was doing this spring, how shes active and engaged and happy. "It's like she's a whole new kid" No, no shes not a whole new kid, what you are seeing is a glimpse of the kid I used to have before her daddy died. I'm sorry you didn't know her then, I'm sorry that all you've known is the sad frightened kid that was left.  I'm sorry you didn't know me before either.

It's working, the anti- depressants are working.  They don't cure death. They don't work everyday. Sometimes it is still just too much for her little heart and brain (all biet very smart brain) to deal with.  They did not work today. Today was a hard day. I was extremely busy this last week and she didn't see a lot of mommy, which I know is a recipe for her anxiety but it couldn't be helped. We had a therapy appointment. She didn't want to go. she just wanted to stay home. Somedays are like that I get it, I do, but I still go. She is not convinced. I even did that thing where I pretended to drive away with out her, she was ok with it.  I turned around and got her in the car and took her to MTD (magic therapy dude) she refused to talk to him. at all. the end. She was also very angry that we were there and tried to leave on a number of occasions. Not the best session ever.

All morning long Baby Girl kept saying she didn't feel good, that she wanted to stay home, that her tummy hurt (thats code for I have anxiety today mommy and I don't know how to handle it) It was much more dramatic then that I even got an "I hate you" for making her go to the Dr. Then we had our appointment with the Dr. MTD actually called her up before we got there to warn her Baby Girl was having a bad day. That's how much fun we were having this morning.  At the Dr. Baby Girl also refused to talk but you could tell she was very unhappy and angry.  The Dr. is wise and it was a very short appointment.  We left the office and started walking down the hall. Baby Girl slumped against the wall, slid to the floor and started crying. Crying in public is not something Baby Girl does. "I don't want to be here, I want to be home" Ya I get it. when I say something like that it's code for life is too hard today and I want to be snuggled in a blanket watching tv next to Dan. I don't want to go to therapy, I don't want to deal with grief, I don't want to be sad but I can't make myself happy right now. That was my breaking point. Thats when I said yup Baby Girl, screw this, forget school today, lets go home and watch a movie.

Anti-depresents help but there is no cure for a dead daddy, or husband.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle