The kick ass big sister





When we "lost" Dan, you know what I kinda hate using other words to make the truth softer, they don't help me, We didn't "loose" Dan. Dan died. I actually know exactly where he is, and he's not lost. Lost holds out hope that you will that you will find it again, that it's just under your bed or in the back of your closet. I will not find Dan in either of those places. As much as I want him to he is not going to pop out at me like a game of hide and seek. Dan is dead, he is not coming back, there's no chance that he will. I have no doubt that I will see Dan again, when I am old and grey and die I will go to heaven and Dan will be there waiting for me. That is a very long time from now and honestly someways I wish it could come sooner.  I'm getting side tracked.

When Dan died, other things died too. I don't talk about it as much because although it is a huge life shattering loss for me it is nothing compared to having Dan die. There is only one thing I can imagine would hurt worse then having your husband die, thats if it were your child.  So many of our hopes and dreams died I can't even count them all. Some were minuscule and some were so huge that until Dan died I thought it meant everything.

My friend had a baby this week. We went and saw her today. She is 8 pounds of pure perfectness. Baby Girl was so excited to go see her. She insisted on holding the baby first. Baby's momma gently placed the baby in my Baby Girls arms and said "wow you already hold a baby like a pro" For the next hour all Baby Girl did was hold that sleeping perfectness and smile down at her.

We took our friends some baby clothes. A mix of Baby Girls from when she was an infant that have been passed around and added to. So we sat and looked through them. Every so often I would pull one out and say "O this one was Baby Girls. she was so cute in it" Baby Girl would smile and say "I was so little" Yes, little one you were. You were only 6 pounds when you were born. Smaller then the perfectness your holding now but every bit just as perfect. And This is all wrong.

I woke up this morning planning to go see this baby and that it was all wrong. Don't miss understand me the Baby is not wrong, she is perfection. We are wrong. Baby Girl and I, this is not what we are supposed to be doing. Or rather this is not how we are supposed to be doing it.  I have lost count of how many friends have had baby's since Dan died, there are that many of them. It hurts, going to see your friends new baby knowing you will never have another one. Taking just me and Baby Girl, instead of me, Dan, Baby Girl, and a toddler to get into mischief with her toddler. Thats what we should have done today.

I have written about this before but I don't write about it often, it's a different kind of hurt, When Dan died we were in the middle of adopting a baby. We had spent years on this adoption. We had told Baby Girl what a great big sister she was going to be. Then Dan died. Then that very same day the adoption agency called me and told me our baby was here. I know it sounds like a really bad movie but it's what happened.  We didn't end up adopting a baby/

I saved all of Baby Girls infant clothes. I saved them because I knew we were going to have more babies, we were going to need them. When that didn't happen I gave them to a different friend who was pregnant. Yesterday I went and got them to take them to this friend. I didn't pull them out of my house because I didn't have them, they didn't go on my second baby, I never got my second baby, or third, or fourth (yes I wanted four, Dan only wanted three, it was gonna be interesting to see who won).

Baby Girl never got to be a big sister. I have always said Baby Girl was meant to have siblings, she was not meant to be an only child, yet here she is. Here she is holding a baby like she'd been doing it for years, like she had had practice on her little brother or sister. She talked about the baby we were going to adopt constantly.  Breaking the news to her that she wasn't going to be a big sister after all was ... ya thats a whole other blog. We raised Baby Girl for seven years with the idea that she was going to be a big sister, she practiced with baby dolls almost non stop. Baby Girl would have been a KICK ASS BIG SISTER. It hurts that she doesn't get to now. It hurts that at 7 years old her daddy died and with it one of her biggest dreams was crushed. It was one of my biggest dreams as well to see her become a big sister.

I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle

Comments

  1. UnknownApril 2, 2017 at 5:06 AM

    Jenny, when I read your posts my heart breaks in so many ways. Mostly because on some levels I can totally relate to what you are saying. Since December 2016 there have been 2 family members die and on March 1st I had to put my beloved Jazzy down. My brother being the most important. He was my Knight! We were so incredibly close. A bond that most siblings do not get to enjoy. It was forged out of love, protectiveness and just the simple fact we had the same mom. He protected me from one of my other brothers. In essence Jenny, he saved my life more than once. So when he died just a few days before Christmas, my world got yanked right out from under me. The blow was swift and powerful and oh God it hurt. It still hurts. Like you, I'll never get over this one. I realize your loss is so much more painful than mine. You lost your soulmate. India lost her Daddy. I just want you to know I understand so much of what you write. I too have started a blog to help ease the pain. Gotta say for me, it doesn't really ease the pain.... but it does help release some of the anger. Some.
    Thank you for your boldness Jenny. For allowing us to see your pain and your sorrow. Know that I think of you and India often and pray for you both.

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