Not Sleeping
To be fair I have always taken awhile to fall asleep at night. Not like this, nothing has ever been like this. Dan could fall asleep in a matter of seconds. Dan would fall asleep in the middle of a sentence and did often. "Are you kidding me. We were just talking, WAKE UP" I would say as I nudged him. Then he would be like "what I was sleeping." ya except for 30 seconds ago you were awake and were not done talking. He could fall asleep sitting straight up in a chair. He could fall asleep anywhere.
Introvert to the core, my giant family gatherings were a bit much for him. He discovered early on that some of my uncles would sit on the couch and close their eyes and sleep. Dan decided this was a good way to get out of talking to people so he would pretend to do the same. Except more often then not he would actually fall asleep too. Also he was convinced my uncles were also faking it to get out of talking.
Like I said I had a really long week and very little sleep. I seem to go in phases like that. phases were it feels like all I do is sleep, I go to bed early, I take naps, sleep feels so good. Then I go through phases where it seems no matter how exhausted I am I can't sleep. I want to sleep and I just can't, then I get even more tired and want to sleep even more and still I can't. It's totally a grief thing. I think technically it's a depression thing, but mine of course is related to grief.
In the before (as in before my husband tragically died, long before he should have) when I couldn't sleep I had a sure fire solution. I would wake Dan up. "Dan are you awake, I can't sleep" I would say as I heard nothing but snoring. Nudge nudge nudge, "Dan I can't sleep, will you tell me a story" (Dan was a fantastic story teller, he always wanted to write children's chapter books, then he died). Sometimes it would take some effort to wake him up, but don't worry I always succeeded. Then this would happen, always the same, I would hear him sort of hurumpf, he would stick his arm out and pull me into him, wrapping his arm around me and resting his hand on my hip. He always said that God made my hip and his hand designed to perfectly fit together, one more way to know we were meant to be, his hand fit perfectly on my hip. Then he would mumble "go to sleep Jennifer" and I would close my eyes and feel his breath on my neck, his arm wrapped around me. My body could relax and drift off to sleep.
There is no relaxing now. I'm always on edge, my body is always awake even when it's asleep. I guess thats why it thinks it might as well not bother with sleeping, it's always slightly awake anyway, might as well be all the way awake. I used to be a very heavy sleeper. Dan has been known to vacuum or bedroom while I lie asleep in the bed, not even twitching at the noise. When Baby Girl was an infant I wouldn't sleep if Dan wasn't home because I was afraid I would sleep so hard that I wouldn't hear her cry. I slept great when Dan was home because I knew I didn't have to worry, I knew he would hear her, he would get up, he would take care of her. Baby Girl is long past waking up in the middle of the night for a bottle, but now we have other issues. Now we remember that daddy kissed us good night and then mommy was waking her up way before morning and told her daddy died. It's a wonder she sleeps at all. Now we have a hard time falling asleep, now weird noises make us jump. Now if she happens to wake up, if she needs me, if she has a bad dream, I have to be alert, I can't sleep heavy like I used to, a piece of me always has to be awake, just in case. Why yes it is exhausting.
I wrote a book about my grief, you can read it here: Carry on Castle
I get this. I can relate so well. My husband passed 3 months ago from a sudden heart attack. He was always the first to fall asleep. He practically just laid down and he would be sleeping. Snored a ton and loudly too! I would try to fall asleep before him but I couldn't. His snoring would start before my mind would rest and I'd have to nudge him several times to get him to stop snoring long enough for me to fall asleep.
ReplyDeleteHe also told me that his hand was made to fit on my hip as well. He called it "his" spot. Ugh. I miss him. Thanks for sharing your story.
I have two young kids, a 9 month old baby girl and a 7 year old boy. We often called our son "The boy". Where's "The boy"? What's "The boy" doing? It was just our simple way of referring to our son together.
I'm often awake at odd hours too. And I'm often exhausted. Again, I can relate.