Carry on Castle: Living with Grief

Do you ever just sit and wish things were different? You know like if your dead husband wasn't dead. Maybe thats just me. "I don't like Dan anymore, he's a stupid head" "ya he's dumb" I have conversations like this often with my sisters. It's our way of telling Dan were still mad at him for that whole dying thing. Probably the worst things I've ever heard said about Dan came out of my own mouth. They were things like "you are the best procrastinator I've ever seen" (although Baby Girl is giving him a run for his money) "seriously why do you keep so many papers" "you have to actually look for things if you expect to find them" and "ugggg it's ok to ask people for help" (apparently we are both bad at that one). "What should I do with these?"  I was unpacking the bathroom in our new house. The day before I had just packed them up at my in-laws, There they were in a drawer. The same dr...

We've started moving. Actually moving items into our house I bought  in September. It was a fixer and this whole time we've been fixing it. Now it is almost ready to live in and we have started packing up stuff at my in-laws (where we've been living since June) and unpacking at our house. My bedroom is getting empty. I haven't started on Baby Girls room yet, she claims she not going. My sister in law came over the other day and helped me unpack.  We were storing lots of stuff in the big shed in my back yard. So we emptied the shed and took all the stuff that was for the house inside and organized all the shed stuff. I kept saying "I should just get rid of this stuff, we don't need all this stuff." Then I took an old hymn reader board that Dan had procured somewhere and hung it up on the shed wall. Cause that, I need that. I came across a box that said 'baby stuff' It wasn't Baby Girls baby stuff, it was special things we had gotten for the...

Baby Girl is my Baby Girl. She is the light in my eyes. She was everything to her daddy and I. To say we adored her is an understatement. We loved her more then life itself. I still do, I would give up my life in an instant to save hers. I know her daddy feels the same way, I know he would have given his life up to save her, or me for that matter. It wouldn't have even taken any thought, he just would have done it. That's the kind of guy Dan was, the warrior poet, he would lay down his life for somebody else in a heart beat. I honestly have to say I think when he got to heaven he was a bit dissapointed that thats not how his story went. He didn't die saving a child from a burning building, or rescuing people from a car accident, he didn't talk down a shooter a save lives at peril to his own (he would have been great at that one) He didn't give a liver or a kidney to someone. He wasn't saving the damsel in distress. I know thats how he would have wanted to die,...

I'm at home. I'm in bed. I'm still functioning. Which right now is saying a lot. So I'm going to blog. I haven't blogged in about a week, which is a long time for me. I haven't blogged because my week has just been that crazy, by the time I made it to bed every night I was not capable of functioning enough to blog. I guess I would say I've had an interesting week. I'm still at this moment trying to decide if I should write a separate blog about everyday, because I totally could. . I think for know I will just write about one thing I did this week. Really it started about a month ago. I got a postcard for Jury duty. Now most people when they get those cards they check some sort of excuse why they can't go. They have small children, they will be out of town, they must work, there are any number of reasons to get you out of jury duty. I imagine "my husband died leaving me alone to take care of our small child" would have counted as a valid...

Baby Girl made a fairy door the other day.  In case you don't know a fairy door is a door you can either buy or make, you attach it to a wall in your house and then fairies come and leave you notes and presents. I love her imagination and whimsy and I love to cultivate it (I can go on a soap box forever about how important I think it is) Yet in my head I groan because basically it means more effort from me. Baby Girl wrote the fairies a note "do you have a potion that will help with my allergies?"   See heres the problem, on a scale of 1-10 the amount of energy I have to put into this is a one. or possibly less then a one. Heres another problem Two years (and almost three months) ago the amount of energy and effort I put into this kind of stuff on a scale of 1-10 was a 20.  Dan and I wholeheartedly believed in building her imagination. Thats how you get the next J.K. Rowling. The first seven years of her life were full of magic and wonder and mystery. When Baby Girl ...

I went to therapy today.  She said I sounded tired. I am. I'm tired of doing this without Dan. I am really missing Dan this week. Which is funny because I always really miss him. The difference is some weeks I really miss him and it drives me to do things, to keep going, to kick the ass out of this crappy widow job. To be on top of things, because I have to, because he's not here to help me, I have no choice but to go on without him.  I have to keep going, I have to take care of Baby Girl. Other times I really miss him and it makes me go, thats it! I can't do this another day without him. This is too hard, life is to hard. I'm so lonely for him. I want to hide under my covers for 30 years and then poke my head out and see if it's worth getting up yet. But I know if Dan's not there it won't be. Whats the point. I'm telling you those widow brains are crazy. I did something else today. I broke my chandelier, it was an accident but as far as I can tell it...

When we "lost" Dan, you know what I kinda hate using other words to make the truth softer, they don't help me, We didn't "loose" Dan. Dan died. I actually know exactly where he is, and he's not lost. Lost holds out hope that you will that you will find it again, that it's just under your bed or in the back of your closet. I will not find Dan in either of those places. As much as I want him to he is not going to pop out at me like a game of hide and seek. Dan is dead, he is not coming back, there's no chance that he will. I have no doubt that I will see Dan again, when I am old and grey and die I will go to heaven and Dan will be there waiting for me. That is a very long time from now and honestly someways I wish it could come sooner.  I'm getting side tracked. When Dan died, other things died too. I don't talk about it as much because although it is a huge life shattering loss for me it is nothing compared to having Dan die. There is on...

It's 3 AM and I'm awake. 3:21 to be exact.  I've been awake for awhile now. I can't seem to fall back asleep so I'll write I guess. Sleep is eluding me these days, I am exhausted and have had a very long week. I pretty much want to do nothing but sleep forever, and I'm awake at 3:30 am. Dan is not awake. Dan is dead. I wonder how many times I have to say that before it sounds right. Right is a bad word it will never sound right. Real? No it will never sound real either. Fact. Yup, how many times to I have to say Dan's dead before it feels like the fact that it is? Ya it never will. To be fair I have always taken awhile to fall asleep at night. Not like this, nothing has ever been like this. Dan could fall asleep in a matter of seconds. Dan would fall asleep in the middle of a sentence and did often. "Are you kidding me. We were just talking, WAKE UP" I would say as I nudged him. Then he would be like "what I was sleeping." ya except for...